#1
The following is a true story! It's short (as I'm sure you can figure out), but if I made it into a song, it would go with another one of my "pieces" I came up with that's basically the same thing, but more serious.


I walked into the restaurant
Saw the menu but I knew what I would want
Behind the counter, lookin' at me
The prettiest girl I would ever see
If you saw her you wouldn't look twice
But I thought she was quite nice
She started to sing a beautiful song
I turned around and sang along

Such a great day it would seem
Til I found out it was just a dream
None of this was true
But I'm determined to find you
I hate good dreams

I woke up and I didn't want to
I wasn't finished spending time with you
All the good times I just missed
Too bad you don't exist!
Right now I'm feeling quite upset
You're the best girl I never met
I want to see you again
My next dream, you better be in!

Such a great day it would seem
Til I found out it was just a dream
None if this was true
But I'm determined to find you
I hate good dreams
#3
i agree with "suppashredda", because the rhymes were just boring, and the lyrics cheesy.
#6
Quote by !@#$
The following is a true story! It's short (as I'm sure you can figure out), but if I made it into a song, it would go with another one of my "pieces" I came up with that's basically the same thing, but more serious.


I walked into the restaurant
Saw the menu but I knew what I would want
change: saw the menu; knew what i'd want. better flow
Behind the counter, lookin' at me
behind the counter, she stares at me.
The prettiest girl I would ever see
i've ever seen
If you saw her you wouldn't look twice
But I thought she was quite nice
last two lines: who are you, dr. seuss?!
She started to sing a beautiful song
I turned around and sang along
started to began would be better and instead of beautiful try lovely.

Such a great day it would seem
take out such and would to might.
Til I found out it was just a dream
None of this was true
But I'm determined to find you
I hate good dreams
i hate good dreams kind of kills it as far as reading lyrics goes, but if you incorporated it well into the song, it wouldn't be a problem.

I woke up and I didn't want to
i woke up when i didn't want to
I wasn't finished spending time with you
i wasn't done with this time with you
All the good times I just missed
Too bad you don't exist!
ugh.
Right now I'm feeling quite upset
quite upset? ;\
You're the best girl I never met
you're the best DAMN girl i never met.
I want to see you again
double ugh.
My next dream, you better be in!
;\

Such a great day it would seem
Til I found out it was just a dream
None if this was true
But I'm determined to find you
I hate good dreams


i little too sing-songy.
try rhymes with assonance as opposed to direct end rhyme.
better word choice.
it's like a rhyming book.
crit my song?
taracing my bones. (in sig)