#1
Written OTS like everything I post here. It's not great, but I wanted to write a basic song rather than a poem (lyrical or not) or prose. C4C, and points if you can guess what inspired this.


Don't you dare tell me I should have half a clue
how many tears are on that crumpled I.O.U.
How the hell am I supposed to know
what you want from me
or what I'm supposed to be
when you change your mind more often than your clothes?

Just take those dreams and burn them
before they take my freedom
Just take your dreams and burn them
because they don't fit in my head
Just take those dreams and burn them
before somebody gets hurt
Just take those dreams and burn them
But for God's sake don't inhale

Forgive me Father for my grevious sins but I'd
rather not squander the small seconds of my life
planning its end. I tried that once before
but it tasted bittersweet
and I can't quite leave
this tattered life behind, however hard I try.

I took those dreams and burnt them
before they took my freedom
I took those dreams and burnt them
before they took your mind
I took those dreams and burnt them
but I guess we still got hurt
Watching ashes to ashes
Breathe deep, I know I will
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#2
Second "verse", I didn't find myself too keen on the repetition of "life".

"Watching ashes to ashes"
I felt was a rather weak line, especially leading up to that ending.

F*ck this, I'll give you more, I've got the time and I really have been neglecting my duties here as of late.


Don't you dare tell me I should have half a clue
how many tears are on that crumpled I.O.U.
Nice, very clever, hard opening.

How the hell am I supposed to know
what you want from me
or what I'm supposed to be
Weak in comparison, rather a cliche nowadays. (However the "how the hell" was nice, made it a little stronger, less weak.)

when you change your mind more often than your clothes?
Felt quite long, yet was still a clever idea. I'd probably understand the length if I heard it as a song, but as a piece written, I'd recommend a line break somewhere.


I like how the chorus kinda contains it's own verse, the way it changes on the second run.
(I hope there are two vocalists if this is a song, because I think the repetition could get tedious if not planned well.)



Forgive me Father for my SOMETHING sins but I'd
I'd recommend a different word for "grievous" (note the spelling, too) here. Perhaps carry on with the illiteration theme in this line, so maybe a word beginning with S?

rather not squander the small seconds of my life
planning its end. I tried that once before
but it tasted bittersweet
and I can't quite leave
this tattered life behind, however hard I try.
What I said above about the word life here. Maybe say "and it tasted..." instead of "but", to me it makes more sense that way.


I Really like it actually, and would love to hear a recording... hint hint.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 5, 2008,
#3
Thanks, anything of yours you want me to crit?

Yeah, I felt that most of it was a little cliche actually, but thanks for the nice comments. You are your own harshest critic, I guess.

2 vocalists? Well, in an ideal world.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Quote by break-me-in
Thanks, anything of yours you want me to crit?

Yeah, I felt that most of it was a little cliche actually, but thanks for the nice comments. You are your own harshest critic, I guess.

2 vocalists? Well, in an ideal world.


Nothing yet, just remember you owe me
Nah, I'm kidding. I actually enjoy doing this.

Anyway, I'd like to hear this recorded (if that's what you intend to do with it).
Interesting stuff.
#5
I do intend to, but not anytime soon. I'll try to remember to drop you a line when I do though.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#6
Quote by break-me-in
Written OTS like everything I post here. It's not great, but I wanted to write a basic song rather than a poem (lyrical or not) or prose. C4C, and points if you can guess what inspired this.


Don't you dare tell me I should have half a clue
how many tears are on that crumpled I.O.U.
How the hell am I supposed to know
what you want from me
or what I'm supposed to be
when you change your mind more often than your clothes?

The start is perfect, strong and concise, grabs you right away. The third line is good as well, but the next two aren't fantastic. Thankfully the last line is great, so it nullifies the rest

Just take those dreams and burn them
before they take my freedom
Just take your dreams and burn them
because they don't fit in my head
Just take those dreams and burn them
before somebody gets hurt
Just take those dreams and burn them
But for God's sake don't inhale

Good chorus, strong and gets its point across. I'm not sure if i like the fact that the rhyming scheme is gone, however

Forgive me Father for my grevious sins but I'd
rather not squander the small seconds of my life
planning its end. I tried that once before
but it tasted bittersweet
and I can't quite leave
this tattered life behind, however hard I try.

This feels like a different song. The rhyming scheme is gone, the structure is gone, and it reads more like poetry than a song. I also think this is very "filler"y

I took those dreams and burnt them
before they took my freedom
I took those dreams and burnt them
before they took your mind
I took those dreams and burnt them
but I guess we still got hurt
Watching ashes to ashes
Breathe deep, I know I will


This is a rather good pece, but i think it lets itself down towards the end. The second verse just really didn't seem to work, but maybe that's just me.
#7
Thanks, anything you want me to crit for you?

The rhyme scheme is still there in the second verse, I've just used a bit of creative license. For example, "bittersweet" and "leave". I fully acknowledge it's not too strong though.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT