#1
The Big Boned Beanbag with a Bad Ticker


I visit the social welfare office
for the last time this week.
I had said farewell to the heavy set lady
cushioned behind the cracked screen,
three holes punctured at the bottom,
and slouched my way through
thoughts of her large, shoddy ticker and
overhanging clock, a reminder
that it's soon time to begin the starvation.

The guilt from her polite smiles
and my ignorant stares, left me
in no state of imagination;
just the thought of her
wedding ring and pendant
clutched in tight to her chest,
or crushed in sodden layers of forbearance,
a picture of a husband -
old, muddy and important -
kept close to her big heart.
She kept me thinking,
what would someone have to look like
to marry a woman as big as this?

I feel like I owe her - and the world -
everything, and
all that I own.
I only ever moaned,
unable to admit what it really
meant to be selfish.
Getting up once a month,
just to sign my name,
- it seemed so terrible at the time -
and being paid more than I do now,
just reiterates my promises
of laziness and poverty.
I work four days a week and they
pay me less than if I was doing nothing.

You gotta love the Irish government.

You gotta love that woman more, though.
She is the government.
She is the trampoline, that
bounces families from one end of the
flat world to the other;

she is their beanbag, and
I sit safely on her.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 6, 2008,
#2
Beautiful, there's no more the say. I really liked the transition from the second to last stanza to the final two lines, with the sem-colon. Worked well.
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#3
"or crushed in fat layers of flab"
Could you possibly have a thin layer of flab?

Anyway, very clever, nice metaphors, brilliant descriptions.
I wish I had more to say.

Oh!

One last thing...
"Big Boned"
Large Penis?

I kid, I kid...
#4
This was enjoyable, but i think it took a little long to find it's feet. Also, i think perhaps it should be a bit shorter. After a while it just seems to wear a bit, because basically you're just describing a person in intricate detail and hyopthesising about her life. I didn't get anything out of this, except that there is a fat woman who works at the social welfare office, and that you need welfare. I'm not sure if i liked this one or not.
#5
No offense Kyle, but you didn't get the main point of the piece. I'm comparing myself to the government in that they, and myself rely on here for money. But, she's fat. So I'm also kinda saying, hey, fat people are cool too! Which is a kinda gay thing to say, but it meant a lot to me, so I left it in. The little things count, in a large way, in her case.
It's not just about my dependence on the social welfare, it's about everyones dependency on the backbones of the government. The few people that provide services to the general public - particularly to those who struggle with illness's.
I should of mentioned that this is a song, hence the length. The song is going to be altered slightly, so I will have to crop sections to accommodate the new layout coming soon.

Thank you all very much.
#6
This just took too long to get going. There was some gold in here, some crass ideas and lines (what does someone have to look like...) but by the time I got to the end, I was just glad to finally get through it. It felt like the first half was dragging by, not even really attempting to jog... and by the end it was skipping along. That discontinuity gave the whole piece a bad feel. I like the pace at the end better... it gives us more to work with.

Just needs a pick me up at the beginning. I can't tell if I like it or not, because that discontinuity was just such a large problem, but the content was good.
#7
idk, i really enjoyed this from beginning to end. the end is definitely my favorite part but i thought the beginning was pretty ace too.

my one complaint

fat layers of flab,

^ thats just such ugly wording to me, i kind of winced when i read it. otherwise i was quite impressed as i am usually by your work.
#8
Thanks to you both, very much. I see what you are saying Zach and I'll try and be more assertive and refined the next time I write something like this.

I made a little alteration, according to two people's recommendations.
#10
Where do you live, mate?

BTW, I can't remember your name. I feel like I should stand before I firing squad for it, but there you go.
#12
ask Jamie in a PM to critique this and see if he will. He could probably phrase some of the things I'm thinking about this better than I can.

regardless,
I have a fair amount to say about this as well, but I'm tired and writing an essay on a friday night so i'll get to this tomorrow.
#13
This really worked for me. There are a few nitpicks that didn't sit perfectly with me (ignorant stares for one), but it wasn't anything that bothered me enough to detract me from enjoying it. I like the point you're getting across here, and I think you do it pretty clearly. I also like the honesty of the second stanza, maybe because I think the same thing a lot of the time...

Anyway, I don't really have much to complain about. It seems like I have been just praising the last few days, but oh well. Maybe I'm just in a good mood. Either way, thanks for the comments on mine, and I will read your next post for sure.

#14
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The Big Boned Beanbag with a Bad Ticker


I visit the social welfare office
for the last time this week.
I had said farewell to the heavy set lady
cushioned behind the cracked screen,
three holes punctured at the bottom,
and slouched my way through
thoughts of her large, shoddy ticker and
overhanging clock, a reminder
that it's soon time to begin the starvation.

Is it just me or is there a clash of tenses in the first few lines? "Visit" and "had"... shouldn't it be -visited-? Oh well. Good description here, but it seems a bit messy. The flow I mean. The way the lines are broken up read a little jagged IMO. The last line also didn't read well and seemed kinda clumped. All the -t- sounds make it a bit crowded I think.

The guilt from her polite smiles
and my ignorant stares left me
in no state of imagination;
just the thought of her
wedding ring and pendant
clutched in tight to her chest,
or crushed in sodden layers of forbearance,
a picture of a husband -
old, muddy and important -
kept close to her big heart.
She kept me thinking,
what would someone have to look like
to marry a woman as big as this?

Heh... dun know what to say about this. Flowed alright. Buncha description again. Dun have any problems with this section.

I feel like I owe her - and the world -
everything, and
all that I own.
I only ever moaned,
unable to admit what it really
meant to be selfish.
Getting up once a month,
just to sign my name,
- it seemed so terrible at the time -
and being paid more than I do now,
just reiterates my promises
of laziness and poverty.
I work four days a week and they
pay me less than if I was doing nothing.

You gotta love the Irish government.

Nicely written, though the way it's broken up makes it a bit difficult for me to read through.

You gotta love that woman more, though.
She is the government.
She is the trampoline, that
bounces families from one end of the
flat world to the other;

she is their beanbag, and
I sit safely on her.

Digitally Clean

Haha, I love the ending. It's entertaining and clever IMO. Good stuff here.


All in all a well written piece. I like the concept, good imagery... well, the image is sad, but... ah hell, you know what I mean. Take a peek at the piece I wrote (Revival: A Memory Once Lost) if it so pleases you.
#15
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The Big Boned Beanbag with a Bad Ticker


I visit the social welfare office
for the last time this week.
I had said farewell to the heavy set lady
cushioned behind the cracked screen,
three holes punctured at the bottom,
and slouched my way through
thoughts of her large, shoddy ticker and
overhanging clock, a reminder
that it's soon time to begin the starvation.
You make a good description in here, but the problem is that it turns out to be too long. The last line was wonderful.

The guilt from her polite smiles
and my ignorant stares left me
I think you should put a comma between stares and left
in no state of imagination;
just the thought of her
wedding ring and pendant
clutched in tight to her chest,
or crushed in sodden layers of forbearance,
a picture of a husband -
old, muddy and important -
kept close to her big heart.
She kept me thinking,
what would someone have to look like
to marry a woman as big as this?
Very, very well written Dan, congratulations; but again, it takes too long for you to get your point across

I feel like I owe her - and the world -
everything, and
all that I own.
I only ever moaned,
unable to admit what it really
meant to be selfish.
Getting up once a month,
just to sign my name,
- it seemed so terrible at the time -
and being paid more than I do now,
just reiterates my promises
of laziness and poverty.
I work four days a week and they
pay me less than if I was doing nothing.
This kind of lost me. I feel like I don't understand this piece now

You gotta love the Irish government.

You gotta love that woman more, though.
She is the government.
She is the trampoline, that
bounces families from one end of the
flat world to the other;

she is their beanbag, and
I sit safely on her.

Great. I think I got it now. Great ending also.

Digitally Clean


This was clever Dan, but I think the beginning is too long, even for a song. You grabbed the concept intelligently and written it in a wonderful way.

Good job.
#17
Wow, I didn't expect this many people to comment, I truly appreciate it. Dylan, in particular, I really love hearing what you have to say on my pieces, because you have a serious talent behind your words, and I therefore have high expectations as to what you are going to help me with.

SeeEmilyPlay - you hav always commented on my pieces and you are a fan of Deftones, so I take your commendation really well. Thank you.

Andre (one of my best friends just married the nicest guy you'll ever meet, called Andre) - this is too long, like you say. When the song is finished, I will definitely condense this and find the more intricate or solid points and stick with them, removing excess ****.

rush4life - thank you sincerely. I hope you will look at more of my stuff in future. I'm taking your words to heart and memory!

kunvulushuns - I've never been very good at line breaks. I'm new to it, really. I'll have a look at your piece when I can. Thanks a lot.