#1
picture this as an ironically poppy, fast song.

i see you in your astrovan in the park late at night
i wonder if you can make the sparks ignite
when your lady friend approaches for her rendevouz
unbeknownst to her, but it's so clear to you

when she tells you no, know she really means yes
don't listen to her cries when you grab at her chest
betwixt the two of you lies a unique bond
unbroken by the few who remain so fond

she's wearing a jumpskirt, you find it quite convenient
to moan "i love you, darling" and she knows you really mean it
you pull on her hair and mess up her pretty makeup
at her tears you start to crack up, does this precede the breakup?

the paralyzed look about her face
it's really just a loving gaze
the cries for her mommy and her daddy
reversion to childhood ... she almost had me!

her face shows remorse and you know about these whores
changing minds everyday, in a minefield their hearts play
so you know what is best for this unrequited love
send the sweet soul first class to the skies up above

when she told you no, you knew she really meant yes
didn't listen to her cries when you stabbed at her chest
betwixt the two of you, you had a typical sham
of boy meets girl hates boy rapes girl dies at the boy's hand
#DTWD
Last edited by primusfan at Dec 5, 2008,
#2
creepy
Warning: The above post may contain lethal levels of radiation, sharp objects and sexiness.
Proceed with extreme caution!
#3
I immediately thought of "To The End" by "My Chemical Romance" it had that kind of overall tune and other than that. It was pretty creepy. Morbid, Edgar Allen Poe, ish.
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#4
Disgusting.
Brilliantly, amazingly, disgusting.

I love the language, the vocabulary you use here.
I think you know where I mean, just all the new and unusual words.

"... she almost had me!"
Felt pretty bad. The ellipsis and exclamation mark make this really disjointed from the rest of the piece. I can understand that was the point, but it just didn't fit the character. Sure, in a longer piece (short story?) you can mess with inside layers and all that of characters, but here it just doesn't fit. Your character is a rapist. That is all.


I love the flow, the rhymes, internal and halfs, worked very well.
I would quote some but I'm quite tired, and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about here.


It's great

I love the irony of the way that you manipulated language in such a beautiful way so you can describe rape. It's just fantastic.


Oh God... here come nightmares from your brilliant imagery...
/Compliment.