#1
It's only the first two verses of a song I was working on, but I wanted some feedback. The flow seems weird in text


I lay across my bed so that my head hangs off the edge
as if my thoughts would pour onto the floor and let me finally rest
As I chew my fist I recognize a mark that you had left
distinctly yours, oh how I do forget, I can't get you off my head, I've tried my best


Create another wave only to break upon it's crest
and stay with me another night, with your head upon my chest
wondering whether or not to speak to you, with your secrets poorly kept
and although you are untrue I will forgive, if you forget


Here's another verse from another song I'm working on, I have a habit of leaving things unfinished.


We'll hold it down
and for the coldest winter we'll all sleep in teams
with something to protect we're not quite what we seem

But I have learned
My failure to exist means everything
now I'm yours, you've got my sympathy, but I've got you, yeah!