#1
idk how i wrote this.
okay.


it was sometime, sometime spring 2004.
2 am, or was it 3 am? i'm too lazy to recall correctly but,
lydia had just broken out of her rehab center,
she was pounding at my door with her forearm, wrists, and fists,
the knock was muffled by the wristband she was still wearing and couldn't pry off.
out of breath, sweat dripping from everywhere that sweat drips,
she looked terrible, even worse than what she did when she was admitted winter 2003.
poor lydia i thought as she threw her arms around me,
she looked so ugly in that hospital gown,
her chicken legs and chicken feet,
a flourescent black beneath her eyes,
a hint of blue in her cheeks,
poor lydia.
her mother had tried so hard to get her to quit,
her father had time and time again cited his indifference,
a drunkard, pot head, coke head,
he didn't care so long as her yolk wasn't seeping out her ears.
oh lydia,
my first love, my first kiss, first fu.ck.
i remember 4th grade, or was it 3rd? i don't know,
but we kissed after mrs. sullivans class
hidden in the maze of tunnels on the playground jungle gym.
anna callahan saw us and told her mom who told our parents who scolded us together in your front lawn while we were playing hula hoop.
we didn't care then, i don't care now.
8th grade,
we smoked our first joint in the woods behind my house,
we thought our ears were bleeding and she said she was seeing double.
belly laughs and cheap giggles,
she was wearing that marmalade dress of hers that was cut well above her knees, i slid my hand up her thigh and we made what we thought was love in a pile of dead leaves and bark and twigs.
oh lydia smyth,
i'm sorry for what your parents did,
i'm sorry about the addictions and the listless men you've been with since,
just tell me you still love me now,
like you did when we were kids.
#2
I like it, it flows nicely and its got somewhat an unconventional rhyme scheme which I like. But I'll give the few criticisms that I do have.


Quote by rushmore


poor lydia.
her mother had tried so hard to get her to quit,
her father had time and time again cited his indifference,
a drunkard, pot head, coke head,
he didn't care so long as her yolk wasn't seeping out her ears.
oh lydia,
my first love, my first kiss, first fu.ck.
i remember 4th grade, or was it 3rd? i don't know,
but we kissed after mrs. sullivans class
hidden in the maze of tunnels on the playground jungle gym.
anna callahan saw us and told her mom who told our parents who scolded us together in your front lawn while we were playing hula hoop.


It sounds abit forced, other than that its great. Reads like something state radio might write.
Last edited by sakura'sdarkest at Dec 5, 2008,
#4
if i ask you to stop writing and psoting stuff, will you be offended? Seriously, man, the stuff you write is just leagues ahead of the majority of writer in this forum. You have an unbelievable talent for crafting believable and connectable characters and making the reader feel a part of the piece. THis was magic
#5
I didn't like the use of the years, (2004, 2003) as I felt it kind of halted that magic flow that you always seem to have in your writing. It's a small complaint, but I feel guilty for just saying good job all the time, That being said, I'll just enjoy the rest.

Quote by rushmore

oh lydia smyth,
i'm sorry for what your parents did,
i'm sorry about the addictions and the listless men you've been with since,
just tell me you still love me now,
like you did when we were kids.


I loved this part.
#6
Personal piece, or just fiction?

*shrug*

Not really any complaints here from me... though I personally think that in writing there shouldn't be much numbers really. If anything write it out. In the case of the years, I thought the piece could do without them.

Good stuff.
#7
i see what youre saying about the numbers and such, ill see what i can do about that. kdownes (name?) you're always too kind, i appreciate you.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 6, 2008,
#9
It's Kyle, and I'm not kind, i just can never find anything to **** on in your work. YOu wait, one day i'm gonna rip you a new one
#10
remember that time when you introduced me to (the band) lydia like 4 years ago? I do, they're still one of my favorite bands...

I'll read this sometime soon menry and then give you some feed...back
No Recent Activity
#11
^^i dont want to make you cry.

and yes derek right? i think i remember. i havent given them a listen in so long. im glad youre back.