#1
i know the form is really weird, but when played, it doesn't sound as weird as it looks. and i know the syllables probably seem weird, too, but if i typed it out the way it was sung, it would look stupid.
it's called taracing because it's about a girl named tara...
the best friend, before some **** happened.

taracing my bones

i never thought you would **** me up;
but in the end, it all crumbles
to the dark depths of this unwanted truth.

no one wants to know it,
but it's inescapable;
you can't deny it.
it's hanging from your nose.
it's riding on the tip of everybody's tongue.
you can't close those "virgin" ears forever.

so, listen up.
is it better to accept it,
or move on and ignore it,
burning holes in the back of my skull?
do i let it go
until my brain is burning up?
memories are screaming bloody murder,
as the flames cleanse it all.

well, it's in my bones now.
can i let it go now?
with my hands shoved in my pockets, the rain's not letting up.
i can't stop the downpour.

'cause it's in my bones now;
i can't let it go now.
i got my hand shoved in my pocket; the rain's not letting up.
i can't stop this downpour.

well, you're in my bones now;
i can't let you go now.
i've got the marrow talking to me, says, "the pain's not letting up"
i can't stop my downfall
#2
btw, thanks for the criticism, when I show my friends they usually just give positive, I like to hear constructive criticism becasue it's really helpful


but, like you said about mine, this is pretty much pain the whole time, not that it's bad. Kinda reminds me of the fall of troy in a sense (laces out dan).

It's pretty good, not amazing good, but probably a 7.5 out of 10.

The only real weak stanza is the 3rd one. Not sure why, but something about it needs editing
#3
when i said that it was pretty much about pain the whole time in yours, it's just blatantly talking about pain, unlike in my piece where i talk about the different aspects and the emotions attached to it rather than focusing in on the same thing again and again, if that makes sense (also, i am not trying to sound arrogant or bitchy).
#4
Quote by radiocure


taracing my bones
Wordplay for inside jokes... :/

i never thought you would **** me up;
Get rid of the profanity. Replace it with something stronger (Or re-write the line).
but in the end, it all crumbles
Crumble is a nice word here. Do something similar for line one.
to the dark depths of this unwanted truth.
Dark depths, nice. (Sucker for alliteration here.)

Not really much to say on this so far. I hope it gets stronger...


no one wants to know it,
but it's inescapable;
you can't deny it.
Good, no complaints.
it's hanging from your nose.
A Booger? Weird imagery, from a weird line. If that's your intentions, sure, but if not, and I doubt it was, then change this up.
it's riding on the tip of everybody's tongue.
you can't close those "virgin" ears forever.
You need to get rid of the " 's around virgin. Either just get rid of them, or re-write it so it's obvious that the ears are those of a virgin.

so, listen up.
is it better to accept it,
or move on and ignore it,
Nice flow. It/it worked.
burning holes in the back of my skull?
Question mark? Not really necessary IMO.
do i let it go
until my brain is burning up?
memories are screaming bloody murder,
as the flames cleanse it all.
Flames... here is a weak line. You really need to scrap and replace it, as memories screaming... is brilliant.

well, it's in my bones now.
can i let it go now?
Fine. The now/now is a bit hit and miss. Worked for me.
with my hands shoved in my pockets, the rain's not letting up.
i can't stop the downpour.
Good. Weird line lengths, but that;s up to you.

'cause it's in my bones now;
i can't let it go now.
Good.
i got my hand shoved in my pocket; the rain's not letting up.
Strange, how you changed it so slightly. I'd recommend keeping this the same as the stanza before, or changing that one to match this.
i can't stop this downpour.
Same as above comment. This downpour or the downpour? This one needs changing more than the other, as the other you could get away with, but this is perspective, and you can't.


well, you're in my bones now;
i can't let you go now.
Well done.
i've got the marrow talking to me, says, "the pain's not letting up"
Marrow? Pointlessly strange, I think.
i can't stop my downfall
Brilliant, relating yourself to rain. Very very nicely done ending.



You've been working your face off on here to get some return crits, so here I am.

"(also, i am not trying to sound arrogant or bitchy)."
Well, you did.
#5
Not bad, could sound neat as a song. I never really cared for having **** in a song, but since it wasn't overused, and it very well could be the only word used to describe how you feel, it may work.

I also agree with the post above, "memories are screaming bloody murder" = awesome line, "as the flames cleanse it all." = well.....

"well it's in my bones now"..etc, I really like the stanza, and the next one which is practically the same. I sounds really good, although in the second one, you say "I got my hand...", now, personally I think it should be changed to what the previous stanza says, which is "with my hands...". With my hands just sounds better, and "I got" isn't exactly good grammar. I'm not being a grammar nazi here, but "I got" never really did sound good. Even "I have my hand..." would be better.

Also, thanks for critting my cheese fest of a song!
#6
you're in my bones now and proceeding to talk of bone marrow, i personally think it fits quite well.
it's not all that strange, considering it relates, but thanks!

when i record this (today), i'll put the link up and you guys can give it a listen and see if anything you've mentioned is different once you've heard the song.
#8
I wasn't too impressed by the lyrics, and by that I wasn't like OMG! but recorded it sounds very wonderful. Normally I dislike female artisits but you are an exception.