#1
I'm done with you
With all your selfish games
With the way you twist and play
Whatever we've had is gone
It's just so hard to move on

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
So I won't wait for you to stay
What was once, is dead today

Enough of your little games
The way you'd make me laugh
While we talked for night and day
I thought that it would last
But good things never stay
(Why can't we just stay?)

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
So I won't wait for you to stay
What once was, is dead today

Now I'm just running away
I can't take this pain
Because it's all true what they say
How the grass is never any greener
Remember what we had
It's something I won't forget
Is that what "best friends" means?
A label something, that's set up
To make you fall hardest in the end.
#2
Quote by kylepianoman
I'm done with you
With all your selfish games
With the way you twist and play
with all your games of selfishness, how you play and how you twist.
Whatever we've had is gone
It's just so hard to move on
yawn! it's just so hard to move on? sucks.

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
don't like those lines.
So I won't wait for you to stay
i won't wait for you to stay is better than so...
What was once, is dead today
what once was is dead today.

Enough of your little games
The way you'd make me laugh
While we talked for night and day
I thought that it would last
But good things never stay
(Why can't we just stay?)
re-write this whole verse.

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
So I won't wait for you to stay
What once was, is dead today

Now I'm just running away
I can't take this pain
Because it's all true what they say
How the grass is never any greener
Remember what we had
It's something I won't forget
Is that what "best friends" means?
A label something, that's set up
To make you fall hardest in the end.

meh. too much talk of all your pain. pain pain pain pain pain. i mean, it's good to hint at the pain you're feeling, but to go on about how much **** hurts and how you can't get over someone is just making the song cliche and boring and emo and just not very good.
not that it's a bad song or piece, but it could definitely use a world of work.
crite mine? taracing my bones (link in sig).
-an²a
#3
man, this is exactly how im feeling now - i can connect to it so i like it the posts above have some good advice, take it into consideration and rework some of the elements and this will be one fantastic song.
#4
Quote by kylepianoman
I'm done with you
With all your selfish games
With the way you twist and play
Whatever we've had is gone flow seems disrupted here
It's just so hard to move on
not a fan of the closing line seems to boring

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
So I won't wait for you to stay
What was once, is dead today
better than the first stanza, but is kinda boring

Enough of your little games
The way you'd make me laugh
While we talked for night and day
I thought that it would last
But good things never stay
(Why can't we just stay?)
this thing really goes downhill. the flow is lost in the fourth line, and you've already used the games metaphor

Everything I thought was true
Turns out, it wasn't you
So I won't wait for you to stay
What once was, is dead today

Now I'm just running away
I can't take this pain
Because it's all true what they say this line hurts it i thnk
How the grass is never any greener cliche
Remember what we had
It's something I won't forget
Is that what "best friends" means?
A label something, that's set up
To make you fall hardest in the end.



this piece could be much better with some heft editing
it sounds like you have potential, you just need to refine your writing a bit.

c4c?
"I is another." - Rimbaud