#1
apologies to those still waiting out for the next part of "what we have here...", fear not, i will finish it soon. However, i feel i need to post this piece here. I probably won't change it. Compeltely ots. This is a very, very personal poem. But anyway, enjoy. y'know.

so sue me

all the pain in the world
all the starving children
all the endless suffering
all the witty remarks,
smart-ass comebacks,
and sharp-pointed repose
all the empty words
all the heartbreak
All the tears I’ve cried,
over empty hearts
and spilt milk,
all the years of ignorance
and pain
all the insults
on injury
all the straws on camels backs
all the world around me
the people I’ve met
those I’d rather forget
it all fades
when you look into my eyes
and tell me that you love me
my life is a cliché
full of love
and happiness
“you are so beautiful to me”
why should I live
in deep metaphors
and rolling streams
of images and words
when all I’ve ever wanted,
all I’ll ever need,
is lying beside me
and holding my hand?
#2
I liked it, however you did tend to choke yourself a little with the sort of forced rhyming but dont look too into that because I did get into it and enjoy it. Next time remember to have to some breathing space, other than that good job buddy
#4
Sorry to say this isn't my favourite from you Kyle.

This general idea is pretty cliched and although it had it's moments, you could really escape it. And admitting that it's a cliche doesn't make it any less so (seemed to be what you were trying to do here:
"when you look into my eyes
and tell me that you love me
my life is a cliché
full of love
and happiness"

However, you are quite clearly a good write, but I feel that you're limiting yourself somehow.

I really liked:
"all the witty remarks,
smart-ass comebacks,"
right after talking about world poverty etc, made me think.

crying over spilt milk

"why should I live
in deep metaphors
and rolling streams
of images and words"

I'm really at a loss here. Maybe someone will come and open my eyes?
#5
I'm gonna say, writing wise, this was nothing special. You know that. However, you did a decent job with a common idea. This was nothing amazing but by the end, I think it's safe to say it was pretty moving. I love this but at the same time just think 'meh' (although it's not my favorite word). If I get a chance, I'll come back and nitpick if you want me to but it probably won't be too much

see ya around
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
ginjaninja: that last part simply means that i don't see why i should constantly have to write in flashy metaphors and images when really, my life is nothing like that.I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it ask much.

Andre: thank you very much, i await your return
#7
This was very touching.
Although, the idea of talking about how writing in cliches in a cliched but real way, is ironically enough, becoming cliched itself. I remember reading quite a few pieces recently about how being cliched is sometimes the only way to express yourself in the most accurate manner. And I am starting to feel the circle turning on itself. Like the intelligence and obvious simplicity is actually becoming a little tiresome.
That said, this is still an emotional read.
#8
I haven't had time to read this yet; but allow me to make a comment you've needed for a while (and pass down some knowledge handed to me from Dylan):

Stop posting explanations at the top that say things like "OTS I dunno, this is personal, you may not get it, I know I suck, my left hand got caught in a door and I'm sad so this may not be good" and the like. Have some fucking confidence and let the piece speak its own message without tainting our view of the piece, the message, you, and how we feel about the subject at hand. If you feel your piece needs and intro like that (everytime... occasionally it does make sense to do it); your piece isn't ready to be out here yet.

Back to talk about hte piece later.
#9
@ Zc:
That should be in the rules, not as a rule, but in the guide to posting.

I agree with you (and am very glad that somebody else has finally mentioned it, because I was beginning to think I was the only one with that opinion).
#10
Zach: I completely agree, been trying to break the habit for a while now.
Dan: I'm glad you found it touching, that's what i was going for.
#11
it seems like everyone has to write a piece like this. so, as a "piece about cliches" this was very well done. The flow was cool and the ending was well built up to. However, the topic, as personal as it is to you and how true it is, is nothing special anymore. Take the form you have here, change it to engaging content, and this will be a great piece as of now it's just, as my old adage goes

"great for what it is, but what it is isnt much."

I owe you a bunch and will surely give you a full crit on your next.
#12
Thanks Dylan, I think this is the first piece of mine that you've actually liked. The funny thing is is that this just started as a train-of-thought kinda thing, i was talking with my girlfriend and she said something really nice, and all of a sudden this poem just started forming ni my head. So i opened up word and just started writing. This was never intended as a piece on cliches or anything really, just a poem about how much i loved her. But this is what it ended up as and i think it works, but i agree that there has been a ****load of stuff like it. I'm mucking around with this form, however, so there might be something like what you said on the way one day
#13
This is sort of a double edged sword in that it is written so it could be seen as personal to everyone. It's good thing and a bad thing at the same time...for the same reasons.

i think the one line should be "insult TO injury"...but maybe they say it different in Australia.

nothing all that new or special...but a solid piece nonetheless.
keep on writing.
#14
yes it should be, but i deliberately avoided that for two reasons. One, because it ties in with "straws on camels backs", and two, because i don't want to be too boring. Glad you liked it. Let me know when you post a new piece.
#15
Thanks for critting my piece. Without further ado, I return the favour:

all the pain in the world
all the starving children
all the endless suffering
all the witty remarks,
smart-ass comebacks,
and sharp-pointed repose
all the empty words
The last 4 lines are great, but they need to lead onto something, rather than more "all the..." lines. They need to link to the following bit more.
all the heartbreak
All the tears I’ve cried,
Ok, now you're repeating yourself and getting cliched.
over empty hearts
and spilt milk,
all the years of ignorance
and pain
all the insults
on injury
all the straws on camels backs Nice line.
all the world around me
the people I’ve met
those I’d rather forget Nice line.
it all fades
And you finally get to the point. That took too long.
when you look into my eyes
and tell me that you love me
my life is a cliché
So is the rest meant to be cliche to tie in? I'm honestly not sure. If that was the point, I think you're better off without the irony.
full of love
and happiness
“you are so beautiful to me”
why should I live
in deep metaphors
and rolling streams
of images and words
Those last 4 were good.
when all I’ve ever wanted,
all I’ll ever need,
is lying beside me
and holding my hand?
Kinda predictable as an ending, but only because it's identifiable, so obviously it's not too bad.

Considering it was OTS, it had some nice lines and I wasn't expecting too much, but I really feel the "all the..." went on too long and built to an anti-climax.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


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#16
The beginning, was pretty good. The listing off of stuff seems a bit played out, I know I've seen similar things before, but it works with the piece. As cliche as the ending was I think you meant for that (hell you even said it), it was really sweet.

Also, I am waiting for part 3 of your short story!

Sorry I don't have much of a critique, short to the point pieces like this have there purpose and most of the time really don't need any changes.
this one is for you.
#17
Quote by kdownes

so sue me

all the pain in the world
all the starving children
all the endless suffering
all the witty remarks,
smart-ass comebacks,
and sharp-pointed repose
all the empty words
all the heartbreak
All the tears I’ve cried,
over empty hearts
and spilt milk,
all the years of ignorance
and pain
^ Make these two only one line
all the insults
on injury
^ Same here
all the straws on camels backs
all the world around me
the people I’ve met
those I’d rather forget
it all fades
when you look into my eyes
and tell me that you love me

You should break here; make this two stanzas instead of one.
my life is a cliché
full of love
and happiness
“you are so beautiful to me”
why should I live
in deep metaphors
and rolling streams
of images and words
when all I’ve ever wanted,
all I’ll ever need,
is lying beside me
and holding my hand?


As you know, I think this is beautiful; all of this is only my opinion; you may follow it or not. It's just that I wanted to know some of the little things that bothered me.

Everything here is a bit cliché, especially the way you say things, but after all, they turn out to be quite touching; and as you said, your life's a cliché so...

Keep going, mate !
#19
I haven't had time to read this yet; but allow me to make a comment you've needed for a while (and pass down some knowledge handed to me from Dylan):

Stop posting explanations at the top that say things like "OTS I dunno, this is personal, you may not get it, I know I suck, my left hand got caught in a door and I'm sad so this may not be good" and the like. Have some fucking confidence and let the piece speak its own message without tainting our view of the piece, the message, you, and how we feel about the subject at hand. If you feel your piece needs and intro like that (everytime... occasionally it does make sense to do it); your piece isn't ready to be out here yet.

Back to talk about hte piece later.

Hmm this is harsh mate. Some people have deep rooted confidence issues that won't be frightened off by a quick scolding. I consider myself to be one of these people.. but.. with age I'm getting better, I wouldn't sound so insecure but I am deep down. I'm sure we should take whatever criticism here with a pinch of salt but there's a tiny bit too much this is wrong, this is too much and this is not enough..maybe you think that but well, I'm not sure good artists were told how to write.. telling someone something is contrived and telling them to do something else, isn't that ironically more contrived? I'm being a little.. pedantic for lack of a better word but you see what I mean?

Ultimately I agree with you.. I'm trying to find the guts to post something of mine but for one I have a little fear of people stealing ideas.. **** they're welcome to try steal it if I was ever singing on the radio but yeh..that's not arrogance it's..personal.. something very personal that's hard to share and the thought of losing is.. very hard to accept.

Back onto subject this wasn't my thing, like was said it is a little cliche sadly, if you like it however don't let us tell you otherwise.

Accidents waiting to happen
#20
^ I've been reading him for a while; and I feel like it definitely applies in his case. And while I don't know him personally; I knew he wouldn't take that and then go cry in the dark and write in a notebook. All I'm saying is that he is tainting his work by trying to convince us it sucks before we read it. And doing that isn't going to help his writing at all.


Kyle:


I really don't have anything to add. This was what it was. I finished it, I said "yup." and then I moved on.

It was ok... but I won't remember it tomorrow. it just files in with all the other pieces I've read similar to this. It didn't stand out.
#21
^no, i just made a Zach voodoo-doll and stuck pins in it

but seriously, i should stop doing it, and i will. This piece was never intended to stand out or be anything special, i just wrote it to cheer my gf up, and it did its job. I just posted ithere to show a different side of my stuff, and it seems to ahve worked. And Eb, have no fear, part three is only a day or two away. thanks everyone for the comments
#22
Fairplay. Not saying what you can and can't say.. offering my take from the stance of someone afraid to post. Deep down I do like some of my stuff, but posting it on a public internet forum seems harder for me then showing someone in person. What's to stop people copying pasting and claiming it themselves..I think I'd like some advise from people who hope to one day take themselves 'seriously'.. how do you safely post your work online?
Accidents waiting to happen
#23
I mostly agree with everything Zach and Dylan have said here. God knows I've written things that I felt I just needed to get out: popular opinion be damned, and there's no reason not to do this every once in a while. In fact, I think it's necessary to keep your writer's mind sane.

If you like it, and it did it's job, then there's nothing really to criticize here. I do hope you'll take a few more chances thematically with your next poem/lyrics, but this is enjoyable, cute, simple and effective. Nothing more to say.
#24
Yeah, disclaimers are a turn off. But anyways.

Simple. Common. Not bad, but not good. It's personal. It's a piece for you, but to an audience it's just "another one of those."

Have a nice day.
#25
It just kind of poured out. Not sure there was much to it other than fueled thought. But it was ok, like Zack said "yup". appreciate all the comments on my pieces, sorry its taken me a bit to get back.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror