#1
My first song so be easygoing please. It was structured for a screamo/ sing song and the * means that bit is screamed. I'm not sure if that is frowned upon here.

Dead like you
Verse 1- Well *We've seen you*,
Giving it all you got,
Living precariously,
*Living your friends to rot.

Chorus- We won't know,
*We won't care*,
Living your life,
Without a care.
You should have gone,
*Before we cared*
Living you life,
*Thats so unfair*

Verse 2- Now you're dead like you,
When we laugh *at you*,
You're still giving us those same old stares,
* Beyond our view*.

Chorus2- We won't know,
*We won't care*,
Living your life,
Without a care.
You should have gone,
*Before we cared*
Living you life,
*Thats so unfair*
End.

Tell me what you think, comments will be appreciated.


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.
#3
could you give me some suggestions/corrections please.


Quote by Spoonman69
Rap is music,far better than metal for example. id much rather hear about hoes and anal sex than dragons and supressed homosexuality.
#4
Quote by hugh20



Well we've seen you,
Giving it all you got,
Living precariously,
Leaving your friends to rot.
Should this not be "leaving"?
Anyway, that last line needs a lot of work. The rhyme was forced, so the "rot" didn't work. It was also far too gruesome for this kind of song, and only shows more obviously that it's forced.


We won't know,
We won't care,
Living your life,
Without a care.
No complaints.
You should have gone,
Before we cared
Living you life,
That's so unfair
Last line needs rethinking. The rhyme and the rhythm were forced, and it forced you to step out of the narrators voice for that one line, and so detached it from the rest.

Now you're dead like you,
Wait... What?
When we laugh at you,
You're still giving us those same old stares,
Beyond our view.

We won't know,
We won't care,
Living your life,
Without a care.
You should have gone,
Before we cared
Living you life,
Thats so unfair


The rhymes were forced, and added to that is was a pretty boring piece.

It was also very, very short; a chorus and eight lines of a verse.

Take what Emily said, you really need to look back over this.