#1
My first song I have written, please tell me what you think.


"Grey Haze"

The hand strikes twelve
They awaken in pain
No one knows they are out
They have broken their chains

Including the hated,
The loners, the freaks
Including the ones
Whose fates were so bleak

A spark in the sky, lights the black night
Signaling those to surrender the fight

On top of the hill
They stand distant and still
Or are they fooling you with their crystal gaze?
Time begins to seize
Are you able to speak?
Or are you stunned from the thick grey haze?

They roam the empty streets
They're clawing at the doors
They feel so incomplete
They're lusting for some gore

Including the wasted,
The recluse, the creeps
Include everyone who was
awaken from their sleep

The sound of bells tolling, strikes the morning air
Telling those that they shouldn't be there

On top of the hill
They stand distant and still
Or are they fooling you with their crystal gaze?
Time begins to seize
Are you able to speak?
Or are you stunned from the thick grey haze?

Or are you stunned from that misty grey haze?
#3
"They're lusting for some gore"

Forced rhyme, didn't fit with the tone (It's rare that "gore" ever fits with the tone of a piece, and if it does, it's probably not a good one).


Didn't like the repetition of including here:

Including the hated,
The loners, the freaks
Including the ones
Whose fates were so bleak

Either re-write both of these sections so as to not use including twice in each, or change this one to "include the ones..."


Final line, decide whether this haze is thick or misty, don't contradict yourself.

It's good. I like the imagery.
#4
Quote by ginjaninja
"They're lusting for some gore"

Forced rhyme, didn't fit with the tone (It's rare that "gore" ever fits with the tone of a piece, and if it does, it's probably not a good one).


Didn't like the repetition of including here:

Including the hated,
The loners, the freaks
Including the ones
Whose fates were so bleak

Either re-write both of these sections so as to not use including twice in each, or change this one to "include the ones..."


Final line, decide whether this haze is thick or misty, don't contradict yourself.

It's good. I like the imagery.


Thanks for the comment. I'll try and edit the "including" parts so it sounds less redundant. But I want to the leave the final line in simply because it IS the final line. The grey haze is the focus of the song. And since the grey haze is starting to clear, that is also signaling the end of the song, you know?

And I'll think of a better line for the gore part. Thanks again for commenting.