#1
EDIT - Check update vvvv

Heres my first set of lyrics ever, so maybe not too good - also its unfinished.
I was a bit hesitant to post this but decided i was better posting to get good critique.
Thanks for any help

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Constructed Images

All of these images i'v constructed
Obscure on the canvas
All of these pictures i'v created
Converse into madness

The depiction of the scene
Different to the life setting
Our impression of the event
Opposite from the true view

Blurred vision
Becomes our villain
Blurred vision
Becomes our villain
Last edited by Guitar-God-Elf at Dec 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by Guitar-God-Elf



All of these images i'v constructed
Obscure on the canvas
All of these pictures i'v created
Converse into madness
I'v? I'v?
Two times cannot be a mistake....
I want to kill you.


The depiction of the scene
Different to the life setting
Our impression of the event
Opposite from the true view
Didn't flow very well. Read it through a couple of times aloud and see if you can think of things to change (grammar somewhere maybe, or more/less syllables, I don't know).

Blurred vision
Becomes our villain
Blurred vision
Becomes our villain
Fine.


It was alright. It needs a lot of work done content wise.

But it's fine.
#3
Quote by ginjaninja
All of these images i'v constructed
Obscure on the canvas
All of these pictures i'v created
Converse into madness

I'v? I'v?
Two times cannot be a mistake....
I want to kill you.


I knew something was odd with that part :L

Thanks

Edit - Doesnt matter iv had a complete revamp, maybe for the better, or for wrose.
I will let you decide.

-----------------

Constructed Imagination

Obscured on the canvas
Conversed into madness
Depicting the notions
Speeding up the motions

Blurred vision
Becomes our villain
Blurred vision
Becomes our villain

Theres no need to run away
But we all do someday
The fear of the unknown
In these images that we own
Last edited by Guitar-God-Elf at Dec 7, 2008,
#4
I tried critting this earlier and quoted it but the page froze when I tried to post so I'll just do a brief post saying what I intended to say.

I honestly liked the original way better, but I'll go with new editted version.

Stanza 1: I'd use 'converted' instead of 'conversed' as conversing is talking, unless that's what you meant, either way, the rhyming in the last two lines seems pretty forced, but on the bright side the flow was pretty decent and this isn't too bad for a first post.

Stanza 2: I really didn't like this part at all, I'd personally scrap it and try to come up with something else, maybe something that doesn't repeat.

Stanza 3: Again, the rhyming seems awefully forced, and I just wasn't too keen on this part. I honestly liked the second stanza of the first version, I'd try throwing that into the final version.

Overall, this isn't bad for a first piece, much better than mine was and there is some potential to make this pretty good, just try and remember that rhyming isn't necessary for lyrics and if you're just beginning you'll probably force damn near every rhyme, if it doesn't come naturally just try to avoid it. You did pretty well with the flow and such, but yeah, sorry I probably didn't help too much, but I'll try keeping up on these forums and I'll try following you if you continue posting. Keep writing, and good job.