#1
Alright, I hadn't posted here in a while and put two peices in one post because I had forgot the rules of the board. Here's the first one again, I apologize.


It's only the first two verses of a song I was working on, but I wanted some feedback. The flow seems weird in text


I lay across my bed so that my head hangs off the edge
as if my thoughts would pour onto the floor and let me finally rest
As I chew my fist I recognize a mark that you had left
distinctly yours, oh how I do forget, I can't get you off my head, I've tried my best


Create another wave only to break upon it's crest
and stay with me another night, with your head upon my chest
wondering whether or not to speak to you, with your secrets poorly kept
and although you are untrue I will forgive, if you forget
#2
Quote by stringmagician



I lay across my bed so that my head hangs off the edge
as if my thoughts would pour onto the floor and let me finally rest
I like the pour/floor assonance. Flows well, nice imagery, good idea.
As I chew my fist I recognize a mark that you had left
Someone who leaves marks on your fist?
That's just weird man....

distinctly yours, oh how I do forget, I can't get you off my head, I've tried my best
Ehh... okay... I guess.

Create another wave only to break upon it's crest
and stay with me another night, with your head upon my chest
I like the wave line, but the rhyme scheme has suddenly changed!
Also on the topic of rhymes, you've got the "-est" here AGAIN. That's just bad.

wondering whether or not to speak to you, with your secrets poorly kept
and although you are untrue I will forgive, if you forget
Is fine, it flowed well.


A little ciched, but well written things (flow wise). Only complaints here are the rhymes. I'd like to see this finished, anyhow.


EDIT: Read the rules on how many things you can post/time.
And on titles for this thread.

EDITAGAIN: I'm in a good mood tonight. Have a crit on the other one (no discussing or sh*t about it in this thread though).


Quote by stringmagician
We'll hold it down
and for the coldest winter we'll all sleep in teams
with something to protect we're not quite what we seem
Sleeping in teams is a horribly forced rhyme. Why would anyone sleep in a team?

But I have learned
My failure to exist means everything
now I'm yours, you've got my sympathy, but I've got you, yeah!
Cheese on the last line here! "I've got you, yeah" Is horrible. The rest isn't bad. Not great, but not bad.


Rules. Now.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 6, 2008,