#1
I've never tried to write in free-verse poetry like this, so I'm not sure if its good or not. Naturally C4C, and please be brutally honest!

Out of the window of a train car,
You can see all, hear all, even smell all.
It's amazing to think,
That every city passing by has its own world inside of it.
Lamp after lamp zoom by
Leaving nothing but a trail of light behind,
And you're stuck in a moving metal box
Trapped at 60 miles per hour,
Yet secure and at peace with the outside world.
But sometimes sitting safely looking out a window
Is no longer an option.
The urge to pack up your things
And get off at the next stop is overwhelming;
To grab your coat, and suffer through the blistering cold
Of the outside world. The real world.
Not the preplanned path of childhood so many of us refuse to get off,
The immature, decisionless track that seems so easy to stay on.
The opportunities awaiting are too enticing, too eventful, too extraordinary to pass up,
And they are waiting for you right outside the sliding doors.
Last edited by cartoonydude707 at Dec 6, 2008,
#3
its alright. i like some of the ideas expressed in the words. i dont really know enough about formal songwriting to complain. but its nice
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#4
I liked this, seeing as I'm not much of a free-verse poetry guy I can't give a great crit but I can say that I enjoyed reading it.
#5
Indeed flowed well, but that was all for me. I like the concept of 'beyond the sliding doors' and the whole bus deal, but something isn't there... the thought seemed rather incomplete as written. How do I put it...

You are telling me this... but WHY? It doesn't seem to have a purpose IMO - or at least a closing. Yeah, it's outside the sliding doors... but after reading it I'm like... okay... it's outside... hope you get what I'm trying to say here.

Decent nonetheless. Have a nice day.