#1
I think I may love this piece or love a piece that this will turn into. I need your help. ginja and Dan I owe you a lot for getting to my last one and will repay with a full critique to you both. luv yous guys


the first snow

“you know
the snow
the time
coarse ground
soft sky
blue cloud
green shroud
last hope
first love
merge fast
one dove
white coat
fresh flake
world’s throat
catch quick
one fleck
feels cold
melts fast
turns warm
meets blood
beats slow
last hope
first love
the snow”

the snow
she’s close
head held
breast soft
no need
no want
her lungs
breathe in
breathe out
breathe in
the lift
the fall
coarse ground
soft sky
the snow
heart slow
too fast
you know
#4
I absolutely love experiments in style that have a massive impact on the piece/from the piece itself, that also have such an honest rhythm to them. So, it was rather pleasant to read this because it allows me to break from the normal rowing of the reading boat.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
I've never been here before, and I don't know much/anything about poetry, but that was one of the coolest pieces I've ever read.

I loved the form, the one syllable words really made it interesting.
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We assume - so we're played
We confide - so we're deceived
We trust - so we're betrayed
#7
Quote by #1 synth
I think I may love this piece or love a piece that this will turn into. I need your help. ginja and Dan I owe you a lot for getting to my last one and will repay with a full critique to you both. luv yous guys


People.... notice me?



Will not stop smiling.

Ever.

Tonight.

For a little while.

(Also, don't worry about the return, I don't have anything up, haven't in a long while. I read things here for fun, for my own enjoyment. But that said, read the freepost thread, if you have time, and if you don't anyway. There's a lot of my pieces in there that were ots, and I didn't like too much.
That's like my bin up there.)

Anyway, the piece, it was certainly intriguing. First impressions are I liked it. It flowed well. It was an interesting idea. (Actually, my first impressions were exactly this: "Ohhhh, look at the spaces between the words, it falls down the page like a snowflake... OHMYGODTHATSTHETITLE")

Maybe I should come back to this when it's not 5:03 AM.

EDIT: F*ck that, I'm sober and I love the nighttime.
I love how the form is used, two one syllable words per line, you kept to it, and it flowed well. I particularly like the "breathe in..." bit, as it felt like you were acknowledging how you were forcing us to read this with the line breaks and all.

That said, the idea was a bit circular.
Wait, I'll read it through a couple more times.

EDITAGAIN: Okay, you're right, I'm wrong, the ideas aren't circular. BUT, the words are. So on a simple first read through, I didn't like it. But, each time I re-read it, I gather more meanings, more subtleties, more of my own interpretations from each line.

And I think it will keep getting better.


So, there's me, being no help at all, yet still being able to write a screenful of text, just because you mentioned me.


I'll try to come back to this tomorrow (today, later, after sleep) to be more helpful.


EDITAGAINAGAIN: Just peeked in at the community thread. I guess it's snowing there then (and tut tut, double posting).
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 7, 2008,
#10
My level of understanding, and therefore enjoyment of this has a direct positive correlation with how many times I read it.
#11
- "the snow
she’s close
head held
breast soft
no need
no want"
- Beautiful.

I'm astonished at how well you avoided over repetition in this. It's really clever, intuitive and very well crafted.
Thanks for the nod Dylan, BTW, it's nice to know you get recognition for something, no matter how small it may be.
#12
The last line of each stanza shouldn't have worked, there wasn't enough pause for me, but changing it would screw it up and that shouldn't happen.

This was crafted like an ice sculpture. A really good ice sculpture. Or a well-crafted snowman. Metaphors and me don't mix well most of the time.

I enjoyed it completely and have read it many times.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#15
honestly man, this is the most beautiful piece ive ever read on this site. It flows perfectly and gives you a clear picture in your head. You actually feel like your the guy in the story.
amazing man, i love it.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#17
I can do this line by line, but I think you'd appreciate a more overall critique on this one. It was refreshing to read something like this from you. I think that you over complicate your writing a lot at times and though it may all work smoothly in your head, it reads a bit coarse (yay pun) sometimes. This piece was very gentle and simple (in a good way).

I thought your use of verbs could have used a bit of spicing, maybe a play on tenses, something to surprise the reader as it went, however it wasn't that major of an issue. With that, I do think that you fell in love with the beauty of the flow and rhythm of this piece and I think as the experimental writer you wish to be, you could have played with the reader much more in this piece. Just when it gets comfortable you should have changed it up, make it more intense, switch structure, turn up the heat on the alliteration... something.

It was a beautiful, serene read nonetheless, I just think that you could have taken it to the next level, which I know you always strive for.

Hope this helps.
This is not a pipe
#20
Of all the "first snows" I've read on this site, this is my favourite.

I usually hate really strange layouts, like the one you've employed, but I really enjoyed it. Quite a shift from what I'm used to reading from you, but it was good in a different way. I agree with some of Carmel's points about the "spicing" up, as it could be improved. It was still effective the way it is, so maybe just keep that stuff in mind for the next one.
#21
Trying to think of constructive things to say... something other than it was decent piece.

A little rusty on crits here... hopefully I can be more helpful as I get back into the swing of things.

Sorry Dyl.
#23
Quote by #1 synth
thank you two.

and don't worry 'bout it Troy, oh, and sorry about the heart in the community thread, I didnt mean to be gay.


suuuuuure...