#1
On the Ink-Bed Sand I list off the words
Love, Love, Love is all that can be heard
Stuck on a sandbar,
Tidal diverse
You wore my hat like spoken words

Marble, marble
Expensive and plain
Off-white wine and our strip game
Hand me your glasses
Hand me your shame

If it smells like flowers, it must be flowers
Tell me, what’s your favorite flower?
Maktub


A4A, B4B, C4C, D4D, E4E........
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Dec 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by Ebshabutiee
On the Ink-Bed Sand I list off the words
Love, Love, Love is all that can be heard

I like the rhyme. The flow in the second line is a bit off. (too many mono-syllabic words perhaps?)

Stuck on topics,
Writing for her
I fear, she’ll never hear it

Felt dull, weak.

Marble, marble
Expensive and plain
Off-white wine and a strip (tease?) game

Clever flow. Line 3 however feels to me that it needs one more syllable. Read aloud and see if you understand. (I have a certain rhythm for this.)

Hand me your glasses
Hand me your shame

Nice.

If it smells like flowers, it must be flowers
Tell me, what’s your favorite flower?

Title! Woo!
Good.

Maktub
What?

A4A, B4B, C4C, D4D, E4E........
F4F, G4G, H4H, I4I, J4J........
K4K, L4L, M4M, N4N, O4O........
P4P, Q4Q, R4R, S4S, T4T.......
U4U, V4V, W4W, X4X, Y4Y........
ZEDFOURZED........



I really liked it.

Sorry for not being interpretive, It's 5:17 AM here.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 7, 2008,
#3
Quote by Ebshabutiee
On the Ink-Bed Sand I list off the words
Love, Love, Love is all that can be heard
Stuck on topics,
Writing for her
I fear, she’ll never hear it

First two lines: Brilliant
The rest: not so
just weak after a one-two punch at the beginning


Marble, marble
Expensive and plain
Off-white wine and a strip game
Hand me your glasses
Hand me your shame

Everything here was brilliant, but I agree with ginja - you need an extra word in the third line

If it smells like flowers, it must be flowers
Tell me, what’s your favorite flower?
Maktub

again, brilliant, but what is this Maktub?

A4A, B4B, C4C, D4D, E4E........

umm...


Solid, very solid, very enjoyable. Great piece, jsut needs a little fixing.
#4
Quick google-ing, maktub is either 1990's Seattle music group, or an Arabic word for "it is written".
#5
It says what you want it to, yes? That's all that's important. I like the second stanza.

This whole thing feels cryptic but still light. I hope that's what you were going for.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Thanks all
Maktub is an Alchemist/Arabic term that means 'it is written'
also the A4A, B4B was just a little joke i through in there since people always put C4C at the end/beginning of there pieces, its not actually part of the piece, sorry for any confusion.

Also,
The third line in the second stanza i agree could use a bit more. I am not to sure on Strip-tease game, since this is an actual personal refrenence that I would hope the people/person it is about would pick up on. It wasn't a strip-tease game more or less a game similar to strip-poker. So I was thinking something along the lines of, Instead of 'a strip game', perhaps 'our strip games'. Need some input on that part still.
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Dec 7, 2008,
#7
On the Ink-Bed Sand I list off the words
Love, Love, Love is all that can be heard
Stuck on topics,
Writing for her
I fear, she’ll never hear it

I really liked the first two lines here. But they were almost cancelled out by the poor 3 lines that followed.

Marble, marble
Expensive and plain
Off-white wine and a strip game
Hand me your glasses
Hand me your shame

Again I really liked this stanza. You could change 'a strip game' to 'our strip game. if I read this, then I would read 'our' as two syllables, which would effectively add in the other syllable that ginja and kdownes said that it needed.

If it smells like flowers, it must be flowers
Tell me, what’s your favorite flower?
Maktub

I didn't really like the second line here. Maybe I didn't understand it correctly though.

Hope this helps.
C4C?
Either 'Our Lives Worth Pursuing?' or 'In An Instant' in my sig will do
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 7, 2008,
#8
I like that Off-white line now, much better. But as for your suggested revision of the first stanza, i don't think it works any better. I don't know what you could put tough. It's just the last line, the Love, Love, Love... thing doesn't work
#9
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe theres a lot of comments
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE IS THE BEST BAND IN THE UNIVERSE AND WHOEVER DENIES THAT I WILL BE VERY ANGRY AT!!!!!!!!
#10
^oh my god, that's depressing.

Anyway, the first stanza is now brilliant, well done, that was exactly what it needed, this piece is now as close to perfection as it needs to be.
#11
Changed a bit. The meaning shifted a little. It still sounds great though.

Btw, good book
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
I thought there might've been a tad too much repetition, and the device wore itself out in my mind. That being said, the piece as a whole is well thought-out. Perhaps a bit obscure, but the context leads me to believe that this is intentional. I especially liked the "maktub", it makes sense in the context, but one has to work a bit to unlock it's meaning.

Also, regarding the A4A... bit. Back when I thought it was part of the poem, I reckon I thought it was something cryptic and neat. If I were you, I'd consider it part of the poem. It adds this element of unsolvable, opaque mystery that is o-so-alluring. I don't know. It's late and I'm also drunk, so take everything with a grain of salt.
#14
Haha thanks Kenji,
I think I will refrain from using the A4A bit in this piece... but maybe in a future piece.
this one is for you.
#15
Absolutely sick word play and flow here.

"Off-white wine and a strip game."
Although an amazing line, I would feel better if it were something like, "___ strip games," or maybe even just "strip games." That is, if this can be done within the context of the piece.

Like, I like this a lot.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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