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#1
So... seeing that i love reading and tend to be a bit creative, i've decided to try and write a novel. Actually, it will be a trilogy or a 4-part series. Right now i'm trying to figure out the main plot for the books and was wondering on what you think about the storyline. Also, any recommendations as to events/characters/settings are appreciated.

BTW: I'm not exactly asking whether i have the potential to get this published, but rather whether or not this appeals to you. If you don't like reading, think of it as a movie. This is an urban fantasy kind of story... part of it influenced by Constantine, The Danny Valentine Series by Lilith Saintcrow, Devil May Cry (at least my friends say so), some stuff by Stephenie Meyer hahaha.... Thanks!!!

Main Plot

Book 1
The story starts off with a human named Seth; he's 18, about to start college, lives on his own (parents passed away last summer; father was the head of a national industry and filthy rich. never was a father figure, so when he died Seth refused to take charge of the money/business). Before starting community college, he attempts suicide...

this is where the next character comes up

Dante is a demon, banished from hell and forced to live as a human for eternity. His new "host" happens to be Seth, who actually died during the incident. He wakes up as a human with Seth's mind as his own (ie: he thinks he's Seth and doesn't know who/what he is) and continues Seth's life as a human, which is not very special at all. At school he then meets...

Nora. Became an orphan as a young child and has grown up to be rebellious, anti-social, aloof, and has that "in your face" attitude. They end up becoming friends of a sort, entangled in a love/hate relationship as if magnetized to each other against their wills.

Things go on in a regular basis until one day

Damian, a new student arrives. He seems to follow Dante everywhere he goes, spying on him. One night, Dante finds Nora at the edge of the roof of a tall building, ready to jump off. He rushes and jumps after her without thinking. The fall to the ground is 12 floors high yet they survive. Nora has no injuries at all, but Dante's in critical condition at the hospital (he landed on his back, protecting Nora from a direct hit which is supposed to explain the injuries). The incident triggers some memories back to Dante, coming in the form of "nightmares." In them he sees Damian and believes they're an omen implying that he's dangerous. Somehow, the memories also trigger powers in him, which he starts experimenting with. Nora, who had been acting very strange, finds a mark over his heart. It looks like an industrial body modification type of burn/tattoo that Dante doesn't remember getting. He thinks he got it after the party before his accident. With that happening, she leaves terrified. Dante believes Damian did something to her since strange things started happening since his arrival.

Dante then goes after Damian, thinking that he can solve this problem. Unfortunately for him, Damian is not that different from him, having powers that Dante can't compete with. Just as Damian is about to kill him, an old man asian man named Draco, saves Dante. There's something comforting about Draco to Dante, as if he already knew him. Draco takes Dante into isolation now that he's badly injured. He becomes Dante's sensei in training; Draco's different though... but not like him and Damian, and for some reason he can't shake off the feeling of knowing him from before.

Dante goes back to his old apartment to look for Nora and Damian and finds a feather that Nora always wore on her hair. With it he finds a note that promises his death. Enraged, he searches for Damian but finds Nora unharmed. He's overjoyed when he finds her, which for some reason throws Nora off, making her go from secretive and calmed to troubled. Damian then appears at that moment and attacks them. Dante protects Nora, which surprises her, using his powers. Damian and Dante fight, but they're no match. Dante's overpowered, and Damian is about to kill Nora, calling Dante a "mere pathetic human in love; not any better than his mother." This unlocks something in Dante's head: a beautiful woman in pain; a long-forgotten memory. With this, Dante changes. He's infuriated, knowing that the woman was his mother during her death and becomes possessed, turning physically into a demon. Somehow, Damian disappears though Dante doesn't remember why. All he remembers is the ruffle of wings while being half-conscious and then waking up in a hospital with Nora next to him.

He knows only this: He's a demon. Damian killed his mother. And that he's in love with a human.

Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
Last edited by evening_crow at Dec 7, 2008,
#2

Dante initially asked to leave Hell but was not given permission. Due to this, he attempted to kill Lucifer, hoping to be executed as an alternative.
Damian and Dante are brothers, both sons of Lucifer. Damian killed their mother when they were young, which is why he was banished from hell (Lucifer thought that making him a mortal would be worse punishment than death itself). When Dante attempted against Lucifer, he was banished too, but out of pity.
Nora is NOT human... she's an angel, assigned to kill Lucifer's heir the throne (Dante). She can't tell what he is at first because his powers are locked. After the accident she thinks he's a minor demon, but then she sees the mark on his chest and knows it is him she needs to kill.
Nora leaves because she can't kill him. Because of that, she is punished and forced to bear Dante's same mark. She can only redeem herself by killing him. That's the reason why she appeared again at the end, to kill Dante... and why she's troubled when he embraces her, completely oblivious of her intentions.
Later at the end you find out the "mark" doesn't point Dante as being the key to making the prophesy/legend true. Nora also bears this mark, and it's her that fulfills that prophesy.
Damian never went after Nora, he was after Dante. He had been searching for him for thousands of years in order to kill him to make himself the only heir to the throne.
Draco is NOT human either, but he is no demon. He's something else, as if a combination of a dragon and a knight. He is one of Lucifer's servants, assigned to watch over Dante (which is why Dante finds him familiar. he had tried to save Dante/Damian's mother and failed. as punishment he must look over him and had his magic ripped away from him).

Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
Last edited by evening_crow at Dec 7, 2008,
#3
*reserved too*
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#4
So...what's the significance of Seth? Is he just there to get possessed?

And to answer your question, no, I wouldn't read it. Sounds too much like it's just trying to cash in on the supernatural thing that Twilight is a part of.
#6
it's creative, but why would he be going to community college if he's dad was filthy rich? I think it would be better as like a comic series. Seems a bit too obvious for a book. I
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#7
All I had to see was the word "Demon".
Sorry, no chance in the Hell your demon probably came from.
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If you resist change, you will be here forever.
#8
Lots of "D" names, which is fine, especially if you're trying to stress the relationship between them. The only thing I would do with them is make sure you know the connotations behind the names. "Dante" is rife with hell imagery, but not directly demonic, "Draco" was an Eastern European who had a blood-thirsty son (Dracula literally means "son of Draco"), which might reflect on the one he is mentoring, ie. Dante. Damien is relatively safe, but if I recall, its one associated with notions of the anti-Christ, which given his antagonistic role in the story might suit you just fine.

As far as the plot, you probably won't win a Pulitzer, but its ok. What would be particularly intriguing is how you work the dual-nature of Dante. Don't forget that you have two people up there who have a very good reason to be in conflict. Also, be prepared to flesh out exactly what all these demons are doing running around. Dante was banished from Hell, fighting another demon, probably to end up as some sort of messianic anti-hero, right? I guess that I'll see when you repost...

EDIT:
Ok...remember that demons are immortal. You are going to have to explain why they have a royal line if they can't die of old age, and have no precedence for the throne changing hands (Lucifer was the original).

Other than that, and please don't let this discourage you because the world needs every writer it can get, it seems a little trite. The Dante/Damien brother story is as old as Cain and Abel, and if Nora falls in love with Dante its about as overworked a plot device as I can think of. Why is this different from any other angel-demon romance?
Last edited by DasFishy at Dec 7, 2008,
#9
Quote by Flying Couch
So...what's the significance of Seth? Is he just there to get possessed?

And to answer your question, no, I wouldn't read it. Sounds too much like it's just trying to cash in on the supernatural thing that Twilight is a part of.

He thinks he's Seth up until the end when he becomes possessed, at which he calls himself by his actual name: Dante. Seth, the human, is just a new host in his line of endless hosts/lives. However, something about his good nature shapes Dante into being good... or to say, appreciate life, something that he had never done in his previous lives.

Quote by Trickycindy
it's creative, but why would he be going to community college if he's dad was filthy rich? I think it would be better as like a comic series. Seems a bit too obvious for a book. I

Seth was... well, the typical "good guy." He gave away his inheritance because he knew his dad had accumulated it illegally (forgot to mention). Also, he always hated being the center of attention, which is why he's where he is.

Also, at first i wanted to make it a comic, but i suck at drawing lol... if i could i would prefer to make it one though.


Quote by DasFishy
Lots of "D" names, which is fine, especially if you're trying to stress the relationship between them. The only thing I would do with them is make sure you know the connotations behind the names. "Dante" is rife with hell imagery, but not directly demonic, "Draco" was an Eastern European who had a blood-thirsty son (Dracula literally means "son of Draco"), which might reflect on the one he is mentoring, ie. Dante. Damien is relatively safe, but if I recall, its one associated with notions of the anti-Christ, which given his antagonistic role in the story might suit you just fine.

As far as the plot, you probably won't win a Pulitzer, but its ok. What would be particularly intriguing is how you work the dual-nature of Dante. Don't forget that you have two people up there who have a very good reason to be in conflict. Also, be prepared to flesh out exactly what all these demons are doing running around. Dante was banished from Hell, fighting another demon, probably to end up as some sort of messianic anti-hero, right? I guess that I'll see when you repost...

Thanks, i appreciate the input.

Like you said, "Dante" brings an image of hell but not evil. He's a demon, yes, but not by choice. Notice that he falls for his assassin (Nora) and throughout the story i'll show him as being reserved but generous and content.

Draco in a way acts as Dante's father.

Damien is pretty much a greedy asshole that wants to take over hell by killing his father and Dante.

I put up the main pointers to kinda explain certain things... maybe that helps?
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
Last edited by evening_crow at Dec 7, 2008,
#12
Quote by evening_crow
He thinks he's Seth up until the end when he becomes possessed, at which he calls himself by his actual name: Dante. Seth, the human, is just a new host in his line of endless hosts/lives. However, something about his good nature shapes Dante into being good... or to say, appreciate life, something that he had never done in his previous lives.

So... after Dante takes his body, we don't really hear anything from Seth himself? That's rather dull, not to mention a waste of some perfectly good character development opportunities.
#13
I probably WOULD read it...but um, plot sounds like twilight. Yeah, it really depends on how you execute it and how well the characters are.

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#14
Quote by Flying Couch
So... after Dante takes his body, we don't really hear anything from Seth himself? That's rather dull, not to mention a waste of some perfectly good character development opportunities.

We do but mainly in the next part. Dante refuses to think of himself as a demon (he doesn't know/find out exactly WHO he is and who Damian/Lucifer are to him). In the second part he struggles to stay as Seth, thinking that being human is better than being a demon and as a form of redemption.
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#15
Some other things to think about:

How old are Dante and Damien exactly? I get that their bodies are twenty-something, but they should have a history that's longer than that. That Dante and Damien are both the same age is kinda coincidental, given that they both have potentially been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

Is there a reason that they're doing any of this? There should be a super-objective beyond one person trying to kill another. Why did Damien kill his own mother, how couldn't Lucifer prevent him? Why was Dante trying to escape Hell, and what prompted him, beyond teen-age angst, to think being executed was better staying? Why did Heaven send an assassin, particularly one who seems to be doing a rather bad job at it, and who isn't sure exactly what she's looking for, to kill one of the D's but not the other?
#16
I think sounds alright. I'd read it. Although, I didn't know people could still be heirs to the throne after they've been banished.

But yeah, I'd read it.
XIAOXI
#17
No, I would not.

Way too cheesy and as someone said, just cashign in on the crappy Twilight ideas.
Member of the 7-String + ERG Legion.
#18
Ok...remember that demons are immortal. You are going to have to explain why they have a royal line if they can't die of old age, and have no precedence for the throne changing hands (Lucifer was the original).

Other than that, and please don't let this discourage you because the world needs every writer it can get, it seems a little trite. The Dante/Damien brother story is as old as Cain and Abel, and if Nora falls in love with Dante its about as overworked a plot device as I can think of. Why is this different from any other angel-demon romance?


It's a fiction a novel which means i'll go ahead and kinda... disregard religion. I guess i should've mentioned that this is after a long depression era in a not that distant future (also how Seth's dad got rich and a "religious scandal" that destroys ppl's belief in religion). There is no "god" or "devil." I'm writing of the demons/angels as if they were a supernatural species that because of their powers humans feared/adored them and immortalized them through religion. Also, this helps me push around the boundaries of good/evil in the story.

The part about Lucifer having a blood line is a bit tricky... I'm making it seem as if he's the only demon capable of reproducing by himself, hence making every demon his son/daughter. The problem with Damian/Dante is that they were conceived with a human woman (that's me kinda poking fun at the bible's story about fallen angels that got it on with humans)
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#19
I get the whole, "it's a fiction" thing, but with the background that you're giving the story, you can't disregard what's come before you. If you put Lucifer et al into the story, then be prepared to deal with everything that goes with it, or chose less loaded names and create your own mythology, otherwise it comes across as someone who didn't Dante, Paradise Lost, or any of the other things that you would be referencing in the eyes of serious readers who pay attention to this kind of thing.

Or this could just be a work of easy fiction that some people will read but nobody will ever really care about. That's fine too.
#20
Quote by DasFishy
Some other things to think about:

How old are Dante and Damien exactly? I get that their bodies are twenty-something, but they should have a history that's longer than that. That Dante and Damien are both the same age is kinda coincidental, given that they both have potentially been around for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

Is there a reason that they're doing any of this? There should be a super-objective beyond one person trying to kill another. Why did Damien kill his own mother, how couldn't Lucifer prevent him? Why was Dante trying to escape Hell, and what prompted him, beyond teen-age angst, to think being executed was better staying? Why did Heaven send an assassin, particularly one who seems to be doing a rather bad job at it, and who isn't sure exactly what she's looking for, to kill one of the D's but not the other?

Sadly to say, Damien/Dante are twins, both being thousands of years old. They're Lucifer's secret sons since they were conceived with a human, which to any other demon would've meant immediate death. Damian hated that, which is why he kills his mother as payback to his father who refuses to acknowledge them as sons. Dante however, was ok with hiding with is mother in Earth (i'm making hell/earth different dimensions per say) since he LOVED her. When her mother was killed by a demon, he was repulsed at what he was, which is why he tried to escape into isolation. Damian has his original body (or at least what it looks like when he's in his "human" form... remember, he's half and half), but Dante is forced to go from one to the other, always having his memory removed in order to protect him. That way he can't be recognized... Lucifer didn't want him dead and used this as an alternative to execution.

Nora, the assassin... is just part of a never-ending war between demons/angels that humans aren't aware of. She must kill Lucifer's son in order to prevent an old legend from coming truth (i have to work on that part yet). What sets her off though is when she sees the mark on Dante which has been described in that legend. However, all the time she had though that Damian was THE son that she had to kill, which is why she happens to be in the same town as him... she had already been looking for him.
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
#21
Quote by DasFishy
I get the whole, "it's a fiction" thing, but with the background that you're giving the story, you can't disregard what's come before you. If you put Lucifer et al into the story, then be prepared to deal with everything that goes with it, or chose less loaded names and create your own mythology, otherwise it comes across as someone who didn't Dante, Paradise Lost, or any of the other things that you would be referencing in the eyes of serious readers who pay attention to this kind of thing.

Or this could just be a work of easy fiction that some people will read but nobody will ever really care about. That's fine too.

I was aware of that. I'm kinda throwing away religion in the story... saying that in the future, it is found to be a scam and that the only reason why angels/demons ARE in the bible is because they once roamed the earth with humans and that because of what their species was like they were viewed as higher beings.


I have to admit that you're a tough person lol. Thanks though... this is really helpful.

If you were wondering why i'm writing about all this is cuz: i kinda see organized religion as a scam and i want to play around with the whole good vs evil mindset.
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
Last edited by evening_crow at Dec 7, 2008,
#22
Alright. I think I see kinda where you're going with all this. I don't think that my advice is going to be what you're looking for, but I wish you the best of luck, and maybe I'll see it at the bookstore sometime.
#23
Quote by DasFishy
Alright. I think I see kinda where you're going with all this. I don't think that my advice is going to be what you're looking for, but I wish you the best of luck, and maybe I'll see it at the bookstore sometime.

Thanks, you've actually been very helpful so i wouldn't mind some more criticism.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that Dante's a guitarist btw hahaha... Guess ppl in here will like that, eh?
Originally Posted by evening_crow
Quoting yourself is cool.


WARNING: I kill threads.
Last edited by evening_crow at Dec 7, 2008,
#25
To be frank, no. I wouldn't.

How much do you read anyway? If you want to write something good, there's only one way to do it. Read until your eyes bleed. Also, don't run into the full thing; big mistake that. Take it simple and take small steps. Short stories and more short stories onto short novellas. If you don't, you're not going to get much done.
#26
Doesn't appeal to me. Sounds pretty juvenile and wank. By all means write it though. If you've really got a good book in you then you'll probably write this, learn from the process and then write something good.
#27
For me, it would really depend on the writing style. If you wrote it like a kid's book, I'd probably stop reading in the book store. I also really like First-person narration,so, if you're narrating from Seth's point of view, maybe once he figures out he's possessed, he might start referring to himself as "we". I dunno, maybe that's a stupid idea, but, the main idea of my post is, write to your audience. If it's gonna be for teenagers, write it like Twilight, if it's gonna be for adults, maybe write it like They Hunger or Odd Thomas..

Maybe it seems obvious, but a lot of authors don't write for their audience.

EDIT:

Quote by evening_crow
Thanks, you've actually been very helpful so i wouldn't mind some more criticism.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that Dante's a guitarist btw hahaha... Guess ppl in here will like that, eh?



Also, don't write it too much like a guitarist, If you start talking about how Dante's turning on the amp, scooping the mids and throwing on the wah wah pedal, most people are gonna get confused. It's not a bad idea, but don't overuse it. I dunno if you know what I mean, or think I'm dumb, for once again posting something painfully obvious, but, you're looking for feedback, and, if it's written right, I'd buy it.


Oh, also, don't make it too much a love story, I mean, it's good to have it as a side story, but don't make it like Twilight (I haven't actually read Twilight, but most people sum it up as a "vampire love story", so don't do that, especially if it's for teenagers.
Last edited by 20cdndollars at Dec 7, 2008,
#28
I'm not sure but I think the main character in DMC is also named Dante, and he's a demon too. I'd look it up if I were you because some people might see the words Dante and demon and think "el plagerismo!"
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#30
Quote by Demonology
I'm not sure but I think the main character in DMC is also named Dante, and he's a demon too. I'd look it up if I were you because some people might see the words Dante and demon and think "el plagerismo!"
#31
Quote by Demonology
I'm not sure but I think the main character in DMC is also named Dante, and he's a demon too. I'd look it up if I were you because some people might see the words Dante and demon and think "el plagerismo!"


Also the fact that Dante's brother is also a demon, and their mother is dead, and that one wants to kill the other, and there's a bint sent to spy on Dante and try and kill Dante.

It's basically an embellished DMC.
#32
surprised this is lacking in tldr


but yeh thats the situation for me as i dont read books
#34
Quote by Deliriumbassist
Also the fact that Dante's brother is also a demon, and their mother is dead, and that one wants to kill the other, and there's a bint sent to spy on Dante and try and kill Dante.

It's basically an embellished DMC.


Exactly what I was thinking.

You gonna get sued. Hard.
#35
Ok my thoughts. A decent idea, but you have to be careful here. For example, dont reveal at all in the first book these people are major demons or whatever. Make it seem like he was a minor demon, keep anything to do with hell very unspecific, save the suprise for the 3rd book, or at least 2nd. Another thing, id like to know what you are thinking for powers? Please dont make it anything too stupid, and try to make them fairly original.
Im not sure if id read it as it sounds a little cliche in some bits, but im sure it would appeal to a fairly wide audience as the books/movies etc you mentioned it being like have.
#36
I would definitely not. It's ridiculously cliche. Make Dante the one to kill his mom accidentally while trying to save her from Damian or something.
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#37
Quote by Psychedelico
I would definitely not. It's ridiculously cliche. Make Dante the one to kill his mom accidentally while trying to save her from Damian or something.


And that would make Dante blame himnself for his mother's de... wait a second... what's that I hear? A whisper on the wind... It sounds like...

cliche...cliche...
#38
Make your charecters interesting enough and any plot will be passable.
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