#1
This is about a girl named Amber. I'm just looking for possible line revisions as I am new to song writing.


Long sunny blonde hair
Cute face mesmerizing stare

I’m gonna hold you tight
I’m not lettin’ go without a fight

Magnetic eyes
A deeper blue than a sunny sky

Electric kiss, electric kiss
The passion and bliss that I know I will miss

Electric kiss, electric kiss
The passion and bliss that I know I will miss

Don’t ya hate it when you get betrayed
Change is what makes people become afraid

Waiting for problems to smooth themselves out
Don’t understand what the fightings about

Electric kiss, electric kiss
The passion and bliss that I know I will miss

Electric kiss, electric kiss
The passion and bliss that I know I will miss

Come on baby lets go for a ride
Set the sails and we’ll follow the tide

You’re like a drug, I can’t get enough
Saying goodbye can be awfully tough
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?
#2
There are two things that bother me about this:
1) Weird mix of eccentric and cliche lines
'Electric kiss', 'magnetic eyes', those are both interesting and different, but then you throw in 'you're like a drug' and 'let's go for a ride' and it sounds like all the stuff I've heard before. Cliches arent necessarily a bad thing at all, it just throws me off a little when you mix the two.

2) 'Saying goodbye can be awfully tough'
Come on, you can think of something more powerful than 'awfully tough'. That sounds like something a cute little boy would say. Think of rewording it.


As long as it says what you want it to though, it's all that matters. These are just suggestions and are in now way personal.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
Right on, constructive criticism was exactly what i was looking for to make it better. Thanks a lot i'll put your advice into consideration
Quote by Survivalism
Someone, somewhere, was raped today. Someone else was murdered.

Are we sill playing this "worst day ever" game?