#1
This is ugly, but intentionally so. Kind of a departure from the last two I posted. Hope it works, if not, back to the lab for more experimentation.

Also, I know I've probably not gotten back to people I owe, but I'm going to try best I can today to dish out a lot of comments, so I will try to get back to you.


complaints.

"you never use names"
she says, frowning again.
"how do you expect
me to relate?"
I put down the pen,
shaking my head

do you really care,
or are you just afraid?
that all of these lines
are for Jenny or Kate?
Or Kelly or Heather
or Tracy again?
to tell you the truth
I don't give a damn.

(then why do you remember them?)

names mean shit to me
a word is a word
and that's all that I see
not some hang-up on exes
or old fantasy

if you want the truth
then just shut up and read
Last edited by rush4life at Dec 7, 2008,
#2
You said exactly what you wanted to, without any frill, which was very characteristic of the point of the poem. Style matches purpose, and what a good purpose it is.
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#3
customer?
purposeful?


I liked it.


You don't need all the sh*t at the top though, stop hiding, stop making excuses.
We don't need to know any of the things you say before "complaints".
#4
i agree, this piece served its purpose perfectly, well written, to the point, and enjoyable
#5
Oh god, I just realized what you meant. I made a spelling mistake in the thread title. D'oh.

Sorry about the preamble. I'm just deeply insecure.

Thanks both of you.
#6
complaints.

"you never use names"
she says, frowning again.
"how do you expect
me to relate?"
I put down the pen,
shaking my head
I thought the opening was a bit clumsy, but I mainly think it's the structure. Conceptually it actually worked well and I liked the rough pitching of idea. It was rather fitting.

do you really care,
or are you just afraid?
that all of these lines
are for Jenny or Kate?
Or Kelly or Heather
or Tracy again?
to tell you the truth
I don't give a damn.
yeah... didn't like this much. It started out interesting, but I didn't like the name throwing and I thought it was rather tasteless and poorly performed. I get what you're trying to say, but there must be a more elegant way to say it. The disclaimer about this being ugly doesn't justify boring repetition.

(then why do you remember them?)

names mean shit to me
a word is a word
and that's all that I see
not some hang-up on exes
or old fantasy

if you want the truth
then just shut up and read
I like how you made it a bit more violent, a bit over the top, it got more intense towards the end, but I actually thought you could have taken it beyond that. I know you have it in you and if you're experimenting it's only right you'll do it all the way.

I think this is an interesting style for you. I think it's something you can develop and actually make very interesting and a good read. I still think it needs a lot of work though and you're far from mastering it. It's a good start though. I was interested.
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#7
this is nice and i really like the unusual structure. it almost has a humourous feel to it while still getting its points across.
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#8
Disclaimers everywhere.

Rough piece? Seems like it can be polished out a bit, though I like the idea you have here. Even if it's a bit jagged around the edges, I thought it was decent.

I also had a problem with the names, but the single line after made it fit for me. (then why do you remember them?)

Have a nice day.
#9
Brilliant.

- "do you really care,
or are you just afraid?
that all of these lines
are for Jenny or Kate?
Or Kelly or Heather
or Tracy again?
to tell you the truth
I don't give a damn.
" - Just fantastic writing.

Although this could of been more, it's still full enough for my belly.
#10
I didn't think the first stanza was so hot, tbh.

I liked the rest.

I liked the last part the most.
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