#1
I posted this in the free post thread, but this is just an ots crap piece that I came up with in two minutes last night. I figured I haven't posted anything or written anything in forever so feel free to rip this apart, I need to try getting back into writing again. Leave links, I owe a couple hundred crits but someday I'll get to them.

[untitled twenty-two]

we stand in dimly lit bedrooms with bent cigarettes in hand; a touch of whiskey on our breath, holding our heads at all attempts of seductive conversation. our hands mimic the conduction of an orchestra as they sway through the smoke as we choke out 'i love you's and 'i can't believe i'm doing this': a kiss, a lie; we start everything off with our arms to our sides. our eyes close during a passionate embrace as we dream and regret and attempt to think of the others face; our true loves, the ones we've known for years, the ones we've become so accustomed to that we yearned for the touch of strangers. soon the night stand began to shake as the dim lamps began to fall and break and that dark room became the grave of everything we've left back at home, and hell, the worst part about all of this is thinking about how much worse the damn hangover will be in the damn morning.
#2
not bad
the last line felt kind of flat to me idk why

srry that this isn't an amazing critique I'm feeling slow this moring
"I is another." - Rimbaud
#3
Quote by Final

[untitled twenty-two]

we stand in dimly lit bedrooms with bent cigarettes in hand; a touch of whiskey on our breath, holding our heads at all attempts of seductive conversation. our hands mimic the conduction of an orchestra as they sway through the smoke as we choke out 'i love you's and 'i can't believe i'm doing this': a kiss, a lie; we start everything off with our arms to our sides.
Very nicely described, one part i didn't like was 'holding our heads at all attempts of seductive conversation' but this is only a minor thing. Up to now its all good.

our eyes close during a passionate embrace as we dream and regret and attempt to think of the others face; our true loves, the ones we've known for years, the ones we've become so accustomed to that we yearned for the touch of strangers.
I love this part, the description is perfect again and it may be the way im reading it, but the last line doesn't seem to flow, obviously it could be how im reading it though.

soon the night stand began to shake as the dim lamps began to fall and break and that dark room became the grave of everything we've left back at home, and hell, the worst part about all of this is thinking about how much worse the damn hangover will be in the damn morning.
Again, great description, one thing im not so sure on is the repetition of damn, but its your piece, if it feels right - keep it.


Overall very enjoyable to read, only minor flaws that I could see. Although others may not even consider them flaws.

Link if you ever have the time.

Edit - BTW ginjaninja, hope you don't mind me nicking your lay out thing with the different colour for my comments ^ ^
Saw you used it in my thread and liked it.
Last edited by Guitar-God-Elf at Dec 7, 2008,
#5
I've always like your writings. This is no exception.

Maybe because I can connect with this piece.

And yeah, last line is the only thing that really killed it for me... but then again it's the end of the piece so who gives a ****.