#1
Remember Amsterdam? It was
December and we were wearing
nothing but long sleeved shirts to cover our
delicate, foreign skins. They could tell
we were tourists and you
lost your wallet that day
to a friendly pickpocket master.
Everyone’s friendly when you don’t understand Dutch.

We convinced ourselves it was
meant to be, so that you
wouldn’t feel bad for insisting on
going to the market place.
“Let's experience the local
human element”, you said.
The human element thanks you for your donation.

That night I took us
to Café de Klos, some word-of-mouth
hidden treasure, that a friend
drew me a map to. We carefully measured
our steps on the pavements of kerkstraat, since
I didn’t write down the exact address.

Number 41. I won’t forget next time.
Dark wooden walls, tables and stools set
between conversations, whispered
around melted candles and
the best damn ribs in all of Amsterdam.

We walked back to the hotel, stepping on
the essence of Europe; cobble stone
streets, gently raised bridges and most of all history.
You said you’d remember this walk.

We left to the airport that evening, and the hotel clerk
helped with our luggage. You didn’t tip him and
he was friendly. Good thing we didn’t speak Dutch.

Do you remember Amsterdam?
I asked you today and you smiled,

“Best damn ribs I’ve ever had.”
This is not a pipe
#2
I really enjoyed this, a great experience and made me genuinely smile.

Mais,
line four, "foreign delicate skins.", IMO, either needs to be
foreign, delicate skins.
or
delicate foreign skins.

I don't know.

An entirely pleasurable read, nonetheless
#3
I don't like "foreign delicate skins". I think it would sound better if the words were reversed. It's a small small weird problem, but I want to be constructive

I enjoyed it, you have a great way of creating a scene that feels real but at the same time I perceive it in kind of a haze, like I'm seeing a dream or something. I don't really have much else to say after that, other than it was really good per usual.

EDIT: ginja must have posted while I was reading/responding, sorry for echoing his comments, haha.
#4
I know that line is a problem. I was trying to avoid some bad connotations there... I'll think about it more. Thanks guys.
This is not a pipe
#5
this made me smile, and sometimes luagh. You've created a beautiful scene with vibrant characters and locations, a really cleverly written piece. Truly amazing
#7
Nice. I like it. I think you should add "My treat, of course", or something of that nature after the first time you say "best damn ribs in all of Amsterdam", so people aren't confused by the fact that you are getting ribs and yet their wallet was stolen, but just a minor detail. Overall, pretty good.
#8
This is another beautiful piece to add to this series. I see you in these perfectly and as a result enjoy them that bit more. As always it's such a strong picture with words.

nothing but long sleeved shirts to cover our
foreign delicate skins. They could tell
we were tourists and you
lost your wallet that day

I thought with regards to your troubled line a comma between 'foreign' and 'delicate' would sufficiently fix those lines. Also here perhaps consider moving 'and you' to the beginning of the next line, it felt slightly odd flow wise.

And to be honest that is all I can pick out, everything else was perfectly weighted, perhaps with the exception of 'carefully' in S3, I think there's a stronger word there.
I loved the final stanzas, at first I thought they detracted from the descriptions of the city but soon caught on to their detachment reflecting the differing memories of Amsterdam from the 2 protagonists.

As always a joy to read.

u
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
"foreign delicate"
Either do what Steve said or reverse these. Reasoning: Steve is always right / saying it delicate foreign skins sort of forces a pause (at least the way I'm reading it).

EDIT: Actually, reverse AND add the comma, imho.

You know what I thinks.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

Last edited by culex-knight at Dec 8, 2008,
#10
"for the airport" sits better with me, not "to". I also think you don't need "hotel night clerk", it can just be "hotel clerk", the evening/night clash imo.

I agree with Corey's reverse and comma, I think that's the better way to express it.

I think you did a really good job with this, to echo other's comments.

You have such a way with imagery, and bringing us into the location.

I'm going to nit pick your next one, though. Just so you don't think I'm going soft on ya.

#11
The human element thanks you for your donation.

That's awesome. I'd of like you to stick a "generous" in there...but either way I dig it.

Did you really go to Amsterdam, and if so did you see the Van Gogh museum? I'm sooo jealous if you did!

Haha, and the end...where the person's only recollection of a center of European history and culture was "best damn ribs I've ever had"...simply marvelous!
#12
Thanks guys, I fixed the line in the first stanza. Hope you like it better now. \
Please tell me if anything else stands out.

I'll be getting to the rest of the return critiques tonight.

This is not a pipe
#13
It actually reads a lot better now with the changes, IMO... though there was never really anything wrong for me the first time. Have a nice day.