#1
I don't want to be a regular anywhere,

but in the last two years
I've had the same soup and sandwich
two days a week
and seen the same female students
I've never conversed with
the other three.

but now, I'm at the airport
migrating north for the winter.
and present my ticket
to the beauty
behind the desk
in the concourse --
check my luggage,
check my watch,
and empty my wallet.

I hold both my arms at my sides,
extended as far as they can reach,
and I start flapping them
to the beeps,
and metal on metal clanging.

I pass the test --
white, blonde,
obviously not a terrorist.
I walk to my gate,
and board the plane.

outside the window,
I rise above the palm trees
and watch the lights of the city
fall down.
I run to the lavatory,
puke out my guts
and peanuts,
take an uncomfortable nap,
head on the fold-down tray,
when I return to my seat.

waking up,
I buckle my seatbelt,
anxiously prepare for landing --

and when I step off the plane,
every snowflake looks exactly the same.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Dec 8, 2008,
#4
I did indeed like this.. does it have music? Because it's not the most.. poetic, so it's hard to imagine music at the moment but.. I liked it.
Accidents waiting to happen
#5
i love how the tone flows in this, at one moment introverted, then cynical, then hopeful. This piece explores a lot of emotion, and is a great read. i'll come back and give this a full crit later
#6
"take an uncomfortable nap,
head on the fold-down tray,
when I return to my seat."

Wanted line 3 to be on top. I thought you took a nap in the bathroom.

This was ok. Some solid content, but seemingly not enough from my PoV to make it worth all the stanzas. I think this could be trimmed up just a bit. Maybe one stanza worth, and it won't feel so long.
#8
Dylan, what are you talking about?

Thanks though -- especially for looking at my DA, means a lot

Blake, I have a lot of family up in New York, but it looks like the trip ain't happening until February now. So it'll probably be snowing even more then, right?

I haven't left Florida in like four years so I have no idea.

BrightEyesGuy, no it doesn't have music. I can't imagine putting this to music. Maybe a fragment of it, but definitely not the entire thing. Much appreciated.

Alex, as always, thank you! I'm glad you caught the tonal shifts.

Zach, you know what, you're right. Line 3 there should definitely be the first line. I don't normally do **** like that, I dunno what I was thinking when I organized my thoughts last night.

I'm not sure how I could shorten it without ruining what I'm going for, but I'll keep it in mind. Actually, I suppose the nightclub stanza could be removed and the progression from entering the airport to disembarking from the plane could be shortened a bit. I'll look into doing that after my next final.

Troy, you have a nice day as well, d-bag. <3
#10
Zach, you know what, you're right. Line 3 there should definitely be the first line. I don't normally do **** like that, I dunno what I was thinking when I organized my thoughts last night.


Yah, you do.

--

I liked this a lot. A lots.
I feel out of place with all these naysayers.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote by RazorTheAwesome
you sir, are the master of UG because of your ability to post while at the same time riding a unicycle and drinking beer.
#12
The entire first section was just very medicore writing. A little boring, but not bad. The last three verses kick in and I start to enjoy it, then it ends.

The line breaks are a little low on standard and expertise and the smutty nature doesn't suit the piece at all.

- "I've never conversed with
the other three
." - I'm sorry, but this line is utterly dull.

I reckon this whole thing could be condensed into one scenario at the airport. Eating soup, vomiting, not talking to anyone, terrorists, peanuts, and so on. The whole college thing and student interaction is just plain and uninteresting.
I know I'm downgrading what you have written and I hate to do it, but I feel nothing memerable for this in it's present state.

I really don't know what to say that is worth anything or is in any way constructive. I just didn't really sense anything solid or consistent. The only means of coming to the understanding that you even feel anything for this yourself is because you actually mentioned it and stood up for the piece when one or two people didn't connect with it. Otherwise, I would of been under the clear impression that you didn't care for the piece at all. And I know that because of the way you wrote the piece. It felt a little lazy, to be honest. I don't want that to seem harsh, mate.

Sorry for the brief and pathetic critique.
#13
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The entire first section was just very medicore writing. A little boring, but not bad. The last three verses kick in and I start to enjoy it, then it ends.

The line breaks are a little low on standard and expertise and the smutty nature doesn't suit the piece at all.

- "I've never conversed with
the other three
." - I'm sorry, but this line is utterly dull.

I reckon this whole thing could be condensed into one scenario at the airport. Eating soup, vomiting, not talking to anyone, terrorists, peanuts, and so on. The whole college thing and student interaction is just plain and uninteresting.
I know I'm downgrading what you have written and I hate to do it, but I feel nothing memerable for this in it's present state.

I really don't know what to say that is worth anything or is in any way constructive. I just didn't really sense anything solid or consistent. The only means of coming to the understanding that you even feel anything for this yourself is because you actually mentioned it and stood up for the piece when one or two people didn't connect with it. Otherwise, I would of been under the clear impression that you didn't care for the piece at all. And I know that because of the way you wrote the piece. It felt a little lazy, to be honest. I don't want that to seem harsh, mate.

Sorry for the brief and pathetic critique.


no, that wasn't a pathetic critique at all.

I guess what I don't understand is how this would work while cutting out the beginning stanzas. I don't dispute that they are the worst of the bunch, as the only line with any pre-thought to it in that entire part was the "I don't want to be a regular anywhere".

I could slice it up and make two distinct poems with similar themes in them, I suppose, but I'm not sure if the end will have any punch at all without either an explanation of why I'm leaving or how my life is going.

How does the flapping the wings image have any effect without the previous stanza? How would you know why I'm in such a hurry to leave?

I don't mean to be argumentative, but I don't think it works without the part people are complaining about. If y'all think it will though, I'd be glad to chop it up, though. I've decided to start revising my poems into the best they can be.

Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it and will get to your latest when I'm not braindead (maybe the reason I'm confused) from six hours of math examinations today.

edit: Thanks everyone else by the way, sorry I forgot about you!

Also, I looked at it and decided the nightclub stanza can definitely be cut without a doubt so it's gone. Thanks again