#1
not my usual style...

=-=-=-=-=-=

LISTEN!
Tick-tock...tick-tock...
as unity unravels - unwinds -
and what once was an intricate knot,
tied so neatly - completely - PERFECT
is now a smiling pile of soiled strings. (acceptance)

I am under here, you know?
Wearing our tangles so proudly.
NO - not pride... obligation? (of course)

You're here too,
I just haven't looked hard enough.
Or maybe I don't want to and
maybe these are no longer my eyes to see through?
I don't remember them being so red - wet - VULNERABLE.

But that doesn't matter because who needs eyes anyway?
I would rather hear this devastation...

Did you know?
Separation makes for a great necklace...
I just wish that I wasn't wearing it when my feet lost the chair. (oops)
But at least you can see through the window from here.
There are stars outside -
DON'T LOOK! ... listen ...

That's our song and they're singing it...
SSH! I'm swinging to the beat -
dancing above the floor to silence...
sweet...
sweet...
-SILENCE-

=-=-=-=-=-=-=
#2
Quote by kunvulshuns

-SILENCE-


I appreciate the namedrop bro. Glad to see you care!

I'll come back to this and hit ya up with a critique, I see a few things I can pick at here. On the whole this was definitely very enjoyable though.
#3
This is so vivid and connected. The sound of it is so relevant to the words that it's hard not to love it. It makes it so easy to understand - but in a good way, of course - and the intuitive stylings are so far away from gimmicks that it actually feels like a method utilized as many times as any other, standard piece of literature. It creates a picture of solitude with strong hints of creativity and adventure; the balance is really well done.

- "Or maybe I don't want to and
maybe these are no longer my eyes to see through
?" - I don't like the break of the line here. It ruins the flow; which is almost entirely fluid and really interesting.

- "devastation" - I don't like this word - being very picky.

There is very little to quibble over here. The sensation you receive from reading this is so pretty and elegant. I've used that word too many times, so much so that the word has lost it's meaning. But this has brought it back to life.

- "Did you know?
Separation makes for a great necklace...
I just wish that I wasn't wearing it when my feet lost the chair. (oops)
" - I really love the "necklace" bit, but the following line kinda ever so slightly let me down. I don't know what it is that I don't quite fully connect with; it could be any number of reasons. Maybe because of odd it is. The relation to "seperation" is not clear, but it's discernible. And then the loosing of the feet off a chair kinda turns it into the wrong thing. I don't know how to explain myself properly.

Sorry for the cheesy critique, I was in the mood for something dramatic. I

Digitally Clean
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
This is so vivid and connected. The sound of it is so relevant to the words that it's hard not to love it. It makes it so easy to understand - but in a good way, of course - and the intuitive stylings are so far away from gimmicks that it actually feels like a method utilized as many times as any other, standard piece of literature. It creates a picture of solitude with strong hints of creativity and adventure; the balance is really well done.

- "Or maybe I don't want to and
maybe these are no longer my eyes to see through
?" - I don't like the break of the line here. It ruins the flow; which is almost entirely fluid and really interesting.

- "devastation" - I don't like this word - being very picky.

There is very little to quibble over here. The sensation you receive from reading this is so pretty and elegant. I've used that word too many times, so much so that the word has lost it's meaning. But this has brought it back to life.

- "Did you know?
Separation makes for a great necklace...
I just wish that I wasn't wearing it when my feet lost the chair. (oops)
" - I really love the "necklace" bit, but the following line kinda ever so slightly let me down. I don't know what it is that I don't quite fully connect with; it could be any number of reasons. Maybe because of odd it is. The relation to "seperation" is not clear, but it's discernible. And then the loosing of the feet off a chair kinda turns it into the wrong thing. I don't know how to explain myself properly.

Sorry for the cheesy critique, I was in the mood for something dramatic. I

Digitally Clean


/likes cheese. Thank you for sifting through this piece. I see where you are coming from with the line break - agreed.

This is my first piece I actually wrote on pure emotion last midnight, not caring about technicality or all that bull****. First piece in two years now I think of it...

Good to see someone actualy enjoyed it. I'll find something else other than 'devastation'. You're right, it doesn't seem to fit in well now that I go over and over.



/hides from Corey.
#5
=First off I love the title. no matter how repulsive it is. its vivid and strikes me as true.

LISTEN!
Tick-tock...tick-tock...
as unity unravels - unwinds -
and what once was an intricate knot,
tied so neatly - completely - PERFECT
is now a smiling pile of soiled strings. (acceptance)

=change the "-" to "so"
= I don't care for the (acceptance) part.


I am under here, you know?
Wearing our tangles so proudly.
NO - not pride... obligation? (of course)

=again the (of course), ehh not doing it for me
=change tangles to cord?

You're here too,
I just haven't looked hard enough.
Or maybe I don't want to and
maybe these are no longer my eyes to see through?
I don't remember them being so red - wet - VULNERABLE.

=I like how the first line implies how you killed your self over the other person (lover is what I assume) and can't bring your self to accept it.
= next you imply that you can't find yourself? that you don't know how you got to be this way? i'm not entirely sure thats what you meant but its what I took away from it.

But that doesn't matter because who needs eyes anyway?
I would rather hear this devastation...

=didn't like any of this stanza other than the word devastation. It just fits the mood.

Did you know?
Separation makes for a great necklace...
I just wish that I wasn't wearing it when my feet lost the chair. (oops)
But at least you can see through the window from here.
There are stars outside -
DON'T LOOK! ... listen ...

=regret over the act? I take it that is what you were going for?
=I love the optomistic perspective of the 4th line. even though it kind of clashes with the piece as a whole it fits here.
=don't care for the last line. seems to be to forceful.

That's our song and they're singing it...
SSH! I'm swinging to the beat -
dancing above the floor to silence...
sweet...
sweet...
-SILENCE-

=who is the they you refer to in the first line?
=second and third lines are nice. vivid picture in my mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thanks for the crit. on my piece.
#6
Quote by Jared R. Boyd
=who is the they you refer to in the first line?


The stars.Maybe it shouldn't be separated from the line before to add clarity... Thanks for having a look over, mate
I could take out the parenthesis bits. Wouldn't really change the meaning without out them.
#7
ahhh,
makes more sense now.
don't worry about it. I can see it now, I was prolly just to focused on the stanza to make the connection. no biggie.
#9
LISTEN!
Tick-tock...tick-tock...
as unity unravels - unwinds -
and what once was an intricate knot,
tied so neatly so completely - PERFECT
is now a smiling pile of soiled strings. (acceptance)

what's with the words in capitals??
I quite liked this opening stanza.
Although I don't really think the first two lines add much (maybe I don't 'get' it though).
The same with the last line.
Th rest, though, I loved


I am under here, you know?
Wearing our tangles so proudly.
NO - not pride... obligation? (of course)

To me, it feels like it shouls be either "We are under here.. // Wearing our..."
OR, "I am under here.. // Wearing my...
I think the last line was excellent save "(of course)" I like the idea, but I don't think it fits too well here.


You're here too,
I just haven't looked hard enough.
Or maybe I don't want to and
maybe these are no longer my eyes to see through?
I don't remember them being so red - wet - VULNERABLE.

I really liked this, nothing more to add here except again, what's with the capitals?? Am I missing something here??

But that doesn't matter because who needs eyes anyway?
I would rather hear this devastation...

Loved this short stanza

Did you know?
Separation makes for a great necklace...
I just wish that I wasn't wearing it when my feet lost the chair. (oops)
But at least you can see through the window from here.
There are stars outside -
DON'T LOOK! ... listen ...

Sorry I don't really understand this stanza, to me it just seems completely irrelevant to the rest of the piece.

That's our song and they're singing it...
SSH! I'm swinging to the beat -
dancing above the floor to silence...
sweet...
sweet...
-SILENCE-
I really liked this, except the first line. I don't know why, but I just don't really like these sorts of lines in songs It's purely personal preference whether you want to keep this The other lines, I thought were very nice. I had a great image in my head as I read this (which is always good )



All in all, I really liked this. there would definitely be less 'negative' crit if I understood what you were 'aiming at' with a lot of the highlighted areas here.
I know you have already had a look at it, but another quick look and a brief comment on 'Half Completed Revolutions' (formerly 'Cigarettes And Ecstasy') (sig) would be appreciated as I have basically rewritten the whole song Thanks
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 11, 2008,