#1
My Bus Driver was a Drunk

When did supple, perfect
kisses become replaced by
drunken piteous sex at the
back entrance of a pub on
a breaking Autumn night?
When did little Ben
decide to out shout
all the times he has let pass by?
This. Is. Justified.

When did cigarettes
die harder than the cancer, or
the failing of a heart?
When did alcohol tire
behind the wheels of a
careless child's school bus?
And the driver feel
necessary to scold the words
in the foreheads and backpacks?
This. Is. Justified.

Seated, the man once told me
after a tough day of work,
“this. is. life”,
and driving home in the October air,
pondering on this expression, I
pass the clocks and
broken down drivers;
shagging teenagers and drunken
louts, and tell myself,
this is life. He was right.
He was damn right.

This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live.


Digitally Clean
#2
I just couldn't get in step with this one sir:

I thought the writing was very bleh, a bit too much effort into trying to make it sound a certain way, maybe.

S2 was just :[.

"He was damn right.
.
This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live."
First line here was just unnecessary, I think. And the ending was incredibly weak compared to what you tried to build up preceding it.

Sorry sir, no cigar. :[
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
I'll talk to you about it later. I like it, mainly. Hmm.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by culex-knight
I just couldn't get in step with this one sir:

I thought the writing was very bleh, a bit too much effort into trying to make it sound a certain way, maybe.

S2 was just :[.

"He was damn right.
.
This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live."
First line here was just unnecessary, I think. And the ending was incredibly weak compared to what you tried to build up preceding it.

Sorry sir, no cigar. :[


As much as I hate to do this, because I'd like to think I could add more; I can't find anything but what Cory has just said to describe my feelings toward this.

It came out so forced that I could find a natural beat or idea to really get in the door with.
#5
When did supple, perfect
kisses become replaced by
drunken piteous sex at the back entrance of a pub on
a breaking Autumn night?

This first full sentence didn't work for me at all.

The emphasis goes 'when did SUPPLE PERFECT KISSES become replaced by DRUNKEN PITEOUS SEX at the back ENTRANCE OF A PUB on a BREAKING AUTUMN NIGHT'. And it just doesn't work for me as a rhythm. 'become replaced by' becomes a stumbling block b etween 'suppple perfect kisses' and 'drunken piteous sex' as opposed to just a link between the two. Same for 'at the back'. It works better at the 'autumn night bit' though.

Something simpler reads better for me. I also think you could remove 'back'. It could jsut say 'When did supple, perfect kisses become drunken piteous sex at the exist of a pub on a breaking Autumn night?' and that reads much better for me.'


When did little Ben
decide to out shout
all the times he has let pass by?
This. Is. Justified.


When did cigarettes
die harder than the cancer, or
the failing of a heart?
When did alcohol tire
behind the wheels of a
careless child's school bus?

I don't like puns.
And the driver feel
necessary to scold the words
in the foreheads and backpacks?
This. Is. Justified.
'and the driver feel necessary' doesn't make sense, that i can see.

Seated, the man once told me
after a tough day of work,
“this. is. life”,
and driving home in the October air,
pondering on this expression, I
pass the clocks and
broken down drivers;
shagging teenagers and drunken
louts, and tell myself,
this is life. He was right.
He was damn right.

This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live.

the end passes me by.

A lot of this I didn't like, certainly you've done loads i liked better. I think there's a lot of waffling and dragging out what you're saying. Also there are lot of the phrases just don't make any sense to me.

eh,
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
I really enjoyed the ideas you're trying to put across here, but the delivery I think could be improved. It almost felt too, restrained, too "safe" for me. I think there's a ton of potential in the ideas you've brought forward, but it suffers a bit by not having a hard enough impact that I'd like to see. Without that kind of attitude, I found it hard to become involved with it.
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
My Bus Driver was a Drunk

When did supple, perfect
kisses become replaced by
drunken piteous sex at the
back entrance of a pub on
a breaking Autumn night?
entire thing is wordy, loved the idea, hated the amount of syllables used to get there. use the nouns and verbs as descripters and lose the adjectives. Also, the syntax doesnt work, it's too round about. you're not giving the reader any answers, just rhetorical questions. I admire that sylisitc risk and respect it but it does not help me get into the piece at all.
When did little Ben
decide to out shout
all the times he has let pass by?
long winded and telling not showing. give an example, reify your content here, and use it as a symbol.
This. Is. Justified.
as much as I like to use the three period break between words for emphasis it really doesnt work here. You havent built up the characters for this line to have any payoff or even feel deserved.

When did cigarettes
die harder than the cancer, or
best two lines in here. the next, I would argue, is filler. Besides, cigarettes have no real link to heart failure so any sort of double meaning there is shot.
the failing of a heart?

When did alcohol tire
liked the rhyme
behind the wheels of a
careless child's school bus?
again, you're getting caught up in desciptors that you think you need. And again the syntax got to me as being unnecesarily longwinded.
And the driver feel
necessary to scold the words
in the foreheads and backpacks?
This. Is. Justified.
I just didnt know what you meant with this last part. but the this is justified read better here just because it was farther in the piece.

Seated, the man once told me
after a tough day of work,
“this. is. life”,
and driving home in the October air,
pondering on this expression, I
pass the clocks and
broken down drivers;
shagging teenagers and drunken
louts, and tell myself,
look at how long this sentence is. 45 words. break it up or get rid of some of it. this could be so pretty if it was more punchy.
this is life. He was right.
He was damn right.
Unecesary. the last line before these two implies them and makes these two redundant.

This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live.
don't know what to think of the ending. again, almost that the piece hasnt earned it. I still dont know the narrator at all.


Digitally Clean



lots of great ideas, longwinded execution, I'd want to see the revision if you're making one.


Dylan
#8
Apart from a small amount, and i mean SMALL amount, of trimming, this piece is really solid, and just reeks of you. This is the Dan that i like, the hard, hitting, no bull**** Dan. I really, really dug this, man, really did. I'll let you pick whatever trimming u want from all the above posts, just don't change this too much. The end hit as hard as it needed to. The wording just needs to be fixed up a little here and there. This needs to be rough and dirty and harsh, you can't write about this prettily
#9
Dylan - best critique I've had in a long long time. The last awesome one like that was by Zach and SYK about three or four months ago.

I'm going to edit this, but only after I get Katherine's thoughts on it.

Thanks for everyones opinions, you already know how much I appreciate it. CUGGLES!
Alex (I think I should keep calling you that, just because it's funny) Kyle, I'm glad someone liked this.
#10
Quote by AngryGoldfish
My Bus Driver was a Drunk

When did supple, perfect
kisses become replaced by
drunken piteous sex at the
back entrance of a pub on
a breaking Autumn night?

Hrm... become replaced didn't read well IMO. Kinda felt like this section should have been reversed, eliminating 'become'. Dunno. Lotsa description to sift through.

When did little Ben
decide to out shout
all the times he has let pass by?
This. Is. Justified.

Hrm... I'm left wondering -when?-. Will these questions be answered? -Why- is this justified? Just not making any sense to me at this point.

When did cigarettes
die harder than the cancer, or
the failing of a heart?

Personally liked this bit, but the heart line didn't fit well with the cigarette idea. Still more unanswered questions, maybe that's what you were going for, but it's not working for me. Maybe I just hate wondering why... maybe it's just pointless questions? I feel a piece, if containing questions, should sooner or later answer them.

When did alcohol tire
behind the wheels of a
careless child's school bus?

Liked the play on words here with 'tire' and 'wheels'.

And the driver feel
necessary to scold the words
in the foreheads and backpacks?
This. Is. Justified.

Honestly didn't get this bit... "in the foreheads and backpacks" didn't click in my mind. Still - what - is justified and -what- is justifying it?

Seated, the man once told me
after a tough day of work,
“this. is. life”,
and driving home in the October air,
pondering on this expression, I
pass the clocks and
broken down drivers;
shagging teenagers and drunken
louts, and tell myself,
this is life. He was right.
He was damn right.

Whew, Had to take a breath after this section. LOOONG. Crowded words here. Couldn't wrap my mind around the answer of THIS IS LIFE. Dun think it built up enough ground, if you know what I'm saying. Can't find a reason why the person would just accept that 'this is life.' Could be just me...

This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live.

I'm confused here... he=bus driver? Hmm...


Digitally Clean


All in all - I like some of the ideas, but it seemed a bit chaotic. Wordy in places. Could definitely be polished IMO. Have a nice day. Looking forward to other pieces.
#11
Hey, havn't critt'd anything of yours for a while, so here goes...

My Bus Driver was a Drunk

When did supple, perfect
kisses become replaced by
drunken piteous sex at the
back entrance of a pub on
a breaking Autumn night?
When did little Ben
decide to out shout
all the times he has let pass by?
This. Is. Justified.

Hm, could've been better, some awkward imagery stalls it a bit I think... e.g. he let times pass by?[/B

Thought the last line would've been more effective w/out the full stops.

When did cigarettes
die harder than the cancer, or
the failing of a heart?
When did alcohol tire
behind the wheels of a
careless child's school bus?
And the driver feel
necessary to scold the words
in the foreheads and backpacks?
This. Is. Justified.

Yeah, this one is cool, loved it, don't change a thing, apart from maybe the full stops again.

Seated, the man once told me
after a tough day of work,
“this. is. life”, - I think the full stop detract from the simplicity of what you're saying
and driving home in the October air,
pondering on this expression, I
pass the clocks and
broken down drivers;
shagging teenagers and drunken
louts, and tell myself,
this is life. He was right.
He was damn right.

Finished much stronger than it started, esp. liked the last two lines

This is the life
that he has given me;
this is the life
that he has made me live.

Thought this last bit was a bit redundant tbh

Digitally Clean

Overall I thought it was very good, just a few minor kinks really, got great potential, love to see more of this kinda style, you're improving on it.
O O O O O O O O O O
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RED MILITIA FACTION
#12
I feel like you revised this after you wrote it, but not in a good way. I could be wrong. The flow just didnt seem right; it was choppy and I couldn't buy into your thoughts like I usually can. I dont like the periods added in to add emphasis; I feel like the line standing by itself is enough emphasis and just sounds less forced really, but whatever suits you.

I dunno, man. I didn't see your soul in this one. =/
It's not bad writing, anyway.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
Quote by AngryGoldfish

I'm going to edit this, but only after I get Katherine's thoughts on it.


I'm all pressurised now

Talk on MSN later, m'dear
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
This is something I feel has too many mistakes, inaccuracies, and inconsistencies to be worth revising. There are sections that I will certailny keep and themes that I will separate and work with individually, but in general, I've tried making more of this in it's present state and it doesn't feel right.

Thanks for all the help, it really helped define what this needed.
This doesn't need anything more.
#15
my mother is a drunk. correlation? yes. life has consequences, and those consequences are dictated by how you act in the life you were given. thats what i got from this.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#16
Yeah, basically. Except it's more about this one thing a guy once said to the bassist in my band who came in to a jam session upset. So, I said, what up dude? - as you would
And he explained how a guy at work berated him for something insignificant and bitched at him for practically nothing, and then proceeded to add more pudding to the plate by stating that "this is life".
I said to my mate, you should of replied to him, NO, this is the life you have made for me! Stop making this ****ty life even more ****ty be being a dick!