#1
Waking Up From Our Dreams
________________________________________________________

You laugh, you cry, we all do what what we gotta just to get by
You live, you die, we wait until the worst is at its worst
And then we reluctantly draw the line
Keep smiling keep trying but all we ever do is keep lying
About everything to anyone else
Everything so simple til it happens to ourselves

When I'm facing you, you tilt your head and crack a smile
But when my back is turned I'm bleeding from behind
We keep telling everyone its dangerous to play with knives
It only adds to the curiosity of playing games with these lives
We get a kicks out of waving red rags infront of raging bulls
We give in so easily when someone on the other side starts to pull.

And until we deem others on the same rung as ourselves
We will continue to step on them while they scream for help
I'm just not so sure anymore if we can open these locked doors
To open up and lead our empathy from its coma that is so secure.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has been
There's a big difference in reality
So please wake up from your dreams.

The time has come and you have to choose
I can't guarantee you'll win but you definitely won't lose
So pack your bags and leave behind your ideas of fate
Together we'll wash these blood stained carpets and clean the slates.

Endless hopeless selfless wishes hanging from a star
Keep your wits close to you and hope they don't go too far
There may be a point when they're all you have in the end
Sometimes it's the only thing on which you can depend
Winters and summers leave futures fade and loved ones come and go
But you have this life so make yourself comfortable and please enjoy the show.

And until we deem others on the same rung as ourselves
We will continue to step on them while they scream for help
I'm just not so sure anymore if we can open these locked doors
To open up and lead our empathy from a coma that's so secure.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has been
There's a big difference in reality
So please wake up from your dreams.

My best wishes will follow you forever and around
Until you wither out and your resting place is found
Til that time comes pray that laughter is the only sound
And someday you'll escape from the nightmares to which you are bound.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has gone
Difference is you can shape what has come
So please stop singing that same sad song.
#2
Quote by Adam_Harrison9
Waking Up From Our Dreams
________________________________________________________

You laugh, you cry, we all do what what we gotta just to get by
You live, you die, we wait until the worst is at its worst
And then we reluctantly draw the line
Keep smiling keep trying but all we ever do is keep lying
About everything to anyone else
Everything so simple til it happens to ourselves

When I'm facing you, you tilt your head and crack a smile
But when my back is turned I'm bleeding from behind
We keep telling everyone its dangerous to play with knives
It only adds to the curiosity of playing games with these lives
We get a kicks out of waving red rags infront of raging bulls
We give in so easily when someone on the other side starts to pull.

And until we deem others on the same rung as ourselves
We will continue to step on them while they scream for help
I'm just not so sure anymore if we can open these locked doors
To open up and lead our empathy from its coma that is so secure.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has been
There's a big difference in reality
So please wake up from your dreams.

The time has come and you have to choose
I can't guarantee you'll win but you definitely won't lose
So pack your bags and leave behind your ideas of fate
Together we'll wash these blood stained carpets and clean the slates.

Endless hopeless selfless wishes hanging from a star
Keep your wits close to you and hope they don't go too far
There may be a point when they're all you have in the end
Sometimes it's the only thing on which you can depend
Winters and summers leave futures fade and loved ones come and go
But you have this life so make yourself comfortable and please enjoy the show.

And until we deem others on the same rung as ourselves
We will continue to step on them while they scream for help
I'm just not so sure anymore if we can open these locked doors
To open up and lead our empathy from a coma that's so secure.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has been
There's a big difference in reality
So please wake up from your dreams.

My best wishes will follow you forever and around
Until you wither out and your resting place is found
Til that time comes pray that laughter is the only sound
And someday you'll escape from the nightmares to which you are bound.

So get up off your knees and come clean
I can't begin to imagine the ugly sights you've seen
But between what has come and what has gone
Difference is you can shape what has come
So please stop singing that same sad song.


I actually divided this crit section by section, but the f'in comp froze up and I lost it when I submitted it.

Sum it all up though. Rhyme is forced. Words are used for the sake of rhyme and it diminishes the value of any clever ideas you have here.

Also, there are just SO many different ideas here. It's chaotic. Unorganized. Stick to one or a few and expand on it. You have some clever lines here, but they die prematurely to the next couple of lines. I would've liked to see them expanded, it would've made th piece more interesting. More focused. Focus is good.

About have way through - sorry - I just stopped reading. There wasn't enough bait for this fish to bite.

Nibble on, yes. Bite, no.

Hope this is helpful, have a nice day.