#1
Crit 4 crit...

Face to face with a friend
All I see is the negative space
The shape of the landscape at their back
And the horizon interrupted by black
Symmetrical on both sides, like a backwards vase
A deranged maze all covered in snow
It could be one, or it could be more than one layer
Foreground and background and everything in between
But the hole in the middle I cannot relate to
The positive life right in front of me
Like a mirror tiled over that gives no reflection
Face to face with my friend
We share no affection
Last edited by wolfat the door at Dec 8, 2008,
#2
Quote by wolfat the door
Crit 4 crit...

Face to face with a friend
All I see is the negative space around their body
in not sure you need 'around their body'
The shape of the landscape at their back
And the horizon interrupted by black
nice imagery
Symmetrical on both sides, like a backwards vase
An inside out and deranged maze all covered in snow
i think if you change it to just 'a deranged maze all convered in snow' it flows more smoothly, and makes the rhyme more apparent
It could be one, or it could be more than one layer
Foreground and background and everything in between
But the hole in the middle I cannot relate to
The positive life right in front of me
the phrase 'positive life' is both awkward and cool
Like a mirror tiled over that gives no reflection
VERY nice imagery
Face to face with my friend
We share no affection
solid ending. it really sends it home



this is very very good. its short, but this piece feels like it doesnt need length. its to the point but still artful. i think with a little clean up in terms of flow this will be excellent.

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460

~b
#4
The concept is phenomenal. The wording is a little underdeveloped though.
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#5
Quote by wolfat the door
Crit 4 crit...

Face to face with a friend
All I see is the negative space
The shape of the landscape at their back
And the horizon interrupted by black

Lack of punctuation! Argh! The last line is a bit.. odd. Interrupted by black? Black what? Seems like an incomplete thought as there is nothing for 'black' to contrast with - to 'interrupt' IMO.

Symmetrical on both sides, like a backwards vase
A deranged maze all covered in snow

The first line is very repetitive to me. No need to say 'on both sides' since it's just repeating the definition of 'symmetrical'... and the backwards vase bit didn't make any sense... if it's symmetrical I don't see why it matters if it's backwards or not... the maze doesn't fit well with the symmetry idea IMO. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of a symmetrical maze.

It could be one, or it could be more than one layer
Foreground and background and everything in between
But the hole in the middle I cannot relate to
The positive life right in front of me
Like a mirror tiled over that gives no reflection

Didn't like the first line. See where you're going with the layers though. Nothing else I really didn't like in this part. It's alright.

Face to face with my friend
We share no affection

Ending wraps it up well, I think.



All in all, I like the concept. Could've been delivered a little stronger or whatever.

Punctuation is your friend. Have a nice day.