#1
September 15th
Dear Diary,
i did it, i conquered fear,
my demons have left me,
for now.
but you still dont know the best part;
she said yes.

October 9th
Dear Diary,
life is fantastic. every day is the
best day. she opened up to me
completely over the last few weeks
and i finally think i understand
what people mean when they say
that people are fragile.

she showed me her favourite book,
and i read it cover to cover
it hasnt left my bedside since,
and i think its changed my life
like it did
hers.

October 28th
Dear Diary,
everything is not rosy,
everything is fucked.
her dad had hit her again
in a drunken rage, and all i could do
was open my smart damned mouth
and offer her advice.
i should have known by now
that i cant be her cure
to everything
but i can make it all
a bit more enjoyable.

November 2nd
Dear Diary,
she wasnt talking to me,
at first i was afraid
that her dad had got more serious
but then i remembered
that people are fragile
and all i had done, was take
her broken pieces, and try to
super glue them back together.
I hope my tears are a better adhesive
for the wreck of her life.

i wrote her a letter, and it went like this:
"i want you to know that im really, truly sorry, for being me.
im sorry for believing all the shit in that book
that i thought i loved, just because you did.
but now i know
love is not about honesty, honestly
like those songs have told us.
its about being there,
being a pillow to your tears
silent and understanding.

i hope that you can give me
another chance to prove myself, i swear ill try my hardest
to be more than just a pillow, but the blanket you're wrapped in
and the song you sing along to.
because love is not about being with somebody
its being there for them.
i will be there for you."

November 4th
Dear Diary,
she replied! my first post
in weeks, nobody writes anymore
"meet me at the top of the hill
at eight tomorrow evening.
you love me so i can do nothing
but forgive you"
she signed with three X's
they were the most meaningful kisses
i had ever received.

November 6th
Dear Diary,
yesterday was amazing, we sat on the grass
holding hands, as the sky
exploded with colour
like a movie.
she didnt say a thing the whole evening
the only break of silence
was my whispered apology.

November 18th
Dear Diary,
ive been going around with a
spring in my step, with
her in my head, and
love in my heart.
shes my favourite secret
that no one will ever know.

November 23rd
Dear Diary,
Happy Birthday
proclaims the hallmark card
that i slid through her letterbox this morning;
theyve been putting my exact thoughts
on paper for nearly a hundred years straight.
and im sorry for being cheesy
but doesnt it feel warm,
like home,
or what home should have been?

December 9th
Dear Diary,
the first snow fell softly
like her breathing on the back of my neck.
we were lying like that for hours
not even caring about the cold.
rooftops
are damn fine places to be
on nights like these,
the town lit up
for jolly old saint nick.

December 13th
Dear Diary,
friday the thirteenth
unlucky for some, but not for me
im invincible, complete.
she is what my life has been missing
a puzzle piece
although i still cant see
the completed picture.
i think ill blame the fog.

December 22nd
Dear Diary,
last minute shopping, got to
make this year special
unforgettable
like the night we spent
way back when
we were still madly
in love.
im afraid that, all she does now
is keep me satisfied.

December 23rd
Dear Diary,
ive got her present
sitting on my bedside
it is her favourite book
that changed her life
but ive scribbled my thoughts
onto every page
with rhymes, prose and pictures
although there are a few things there
that id like to keep
im giving everything
to her,

December 24th
Dear Diary,
another letter in the post
fell through my door this morning.
i think that you can always tell
when bad news is coming
and i didnt it like from the start
the omnipotent thump
as the paper dropped to the floor
it read
"im sorry i have to do this
but i think its for the best.
i dont think this is working out
we should really end it here.
my reasons are to be kept for me
but as you sit there reading, helplessly
i think i will tell you one of the things
which has led me to do this
you never do anything for a conversation
and the constant "how are you"s make you seem quite clingy
you really need to be more than just a doorpost
for someone to lean on
you need to be another person
and you need to make each other
complete."

I was sitting, helplessly, tears splattering the page,
and i realised that love
is not a one way street
it cant just be given and received.
it needs to be shared.
and all i had done
was pour my efforts into her
try to make her feel happy
and because this satisfied me
i had blocked her off
from doing the same.

December 25th
Dear Diary,
i gave myself her favourite book today
it was wrapped in shiny paper
with a haiku on
the label, ironically
about love, for her.
but now that ive given all mine away
im left feeling empty, and i think
ill be like this for a while.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Jan 31, 2009,
#3
Language is simple but it almost fits; it keeps the attention on the contents.
A little long.
Other then that picky mess this was absolutely gorgeous and living.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
N/m, I'm back.

Hrm. I can't really critique this. It's a personal diary entry. All I can say is that I read it, but didn't connect with it - I rarely do connect with personal pieces anyways... have a nice day.
#6
Wow, this was really long, yet you don't want it to really end.
It's very personal, which I like a lot.
As said before, the language is really simple, but it's good.
The context gets straight to the point, but using the iceberg theory, it flows so well.
Overall, great job.
#7
Dylan, read that and had to remind myself to f*cking breathe afterwords.
F*ck!


Please, help me out on this, I'm new to the whole game and need somebody to hold my hand and guide me. I understand if you don't want to do all of it, but bits and bobs can help it overall greatly, favourite parts, least, bad lines, grammar, point sh*t out.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 9, 2008,
#8
well that's disappointing as shit
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
This for me, was on the fence. There were bright spots that I enjoyed, specifically the Dec. 24th spot. It had character and it felt good. On the other hand, I feel like this is quite a waste of material, in a sense. I can see two or three really good pieces in the ideas you've talked about here. Perhaps that's what you have planned, and it's still possible to do that. Like you said, it's ots so I'm not going to be overly critical, but keep in mind what I said about the content. I can really see some good things coming out of this, but they just need some spacing out I think.
#10
i think you need to make sure that u keep a steady tone throughout this. There a places were the character seems to shift, at one moment cold, at the other caring. You present conflicting images every now and then. "every day is the newest best day" - that's just really bad writing. There's a few more, but i don't have time to nitpick this properly yet.
#11
content is a little strange for me

but... I was totally hooked. youre wording, and layout really appealed to me, and it flowed and flowed as if each line was starting before id finished the last.

i really like it, just steady on the content a little
#13
Really need some nitpicking done on this.
I'm a bit clueless you see, like a pre-pubescent child standing in the middle of the high school playground.
#15
i had actually read this last night. it was very interesting to say the least. you really brought this story to life. i couldn't say much to improve on this piece. it's pretty excellent.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#16
Quote by ginjaninja
Really need some nitpicking done on this.
I'm a bit clueless you see, like a pre-pubescent child standing in the middle of the high school playground.


Since when do high schools have playgrounds?

Anyway, when i first looked at it i was like "F*ck. This is wayy too long, i'll read the first couple stanzas, give a ****ty critique, and be done with it." Then i started reading it. I couldn't stop. It was really good. I loved how the language was simple yet elegant at the same time. Really easy to connect with. I love personal pieces like these. Couple conflicting images here and there, but that's not always a bad thing. Overall, great piece. Little long, but it was still great. Nice job.
#17
Quote by grevhead221
Since when do high schools have playgrounds?
Here in England they do, I was trying trying to connect with you Americans.

Couple conflicting images here and there, but that's not always a bad thing.
WHEREWHEREWHERE?

Overall, great piece. Little long, but it was still great.
Well it's about a relationship, and covers the time span of four months, so I'm hardly surprised it's lengthy.

Thanks for reading, glad you (and others) like it.



More crits please, I promise to return them.
#18
first glance seemd long and I was reluctant to read it but I did. Shortl after starting I became engaged and read it through twice. I'm not one good with grammar or anything so as for corrections I can make none. reading it the second time I looked for what could be erases to save paper but again I have nothing, every piece tastes as good as the rest of the cake. Sorry I have no real input for you except that it told a great story in a unique way that I really enjoyed and was easy to follow and connect with. nice work, congrats.
#19
Quote by ginjaninja
My newest experiment.
This is a long one, need help improving.
C4C, if you leave a link.
Rip it apart.
Edited 10/Dec, grammar, tenses, consistency.


September 15th
Dear Diary,
i did it, i conquered fear,
my demons have left me, for now.
Break the line at "for now".
but you still dont know the best part;
she said yes.
This is very honest, touching and humbling. It has a childish quality to it that is impossible to resist.

October 9th
Dear Diary,
life is fantastic. every day is
the newest best day. she opened up to me
I don't like "newest best day". I can see what you are trying to achieve, but you don't need to be so forceful with the diction. Let the subtleties and character take the piece into the territories that you wish it to venture down.
I also don't like the way it's laid out very much. The line break is not poor, but it could of been better. Recommendations are not my forte, I'm afraid.

completely over the last few weeks
and i finally think i understand
what people mean when they say
that people are fragile.
Great. Nothing to change here.

she showed me her favourite book,
and i read it cover to cover
it hasnt left my bedside since,
and i think its changed my life
like it did hers.
Break "hers" onto a separate line. Might lend this a more complicated edge, moving away from the childish atmosphere into more adult details. This is also very nice.

October 28th
Dear Diary,
everything is not rosy,
everything is fucked.
her dad had hit her again,
Remove the comma.
in a drunken rage, and all i could do
was open my smart damned mouth
and offer her advice.
i should have known by now
that i cant be her cure
to everything
but i can make it all
a bit more enjoyable.
This is a perfectly placed change in story. I didn't want anymore of how you opened it. I wanted something bad to happen, and you gave it. You also added in a new theme which I'm hoping you will keep working with. BTW, I'm actually critiquing this as I go along. I haven't read this piece in it's entirety in one sitting, yet.
I love what you are saying here and it shows a lot of character and honesty to your writing.


November 2nd
Dear Diary,
she wasnt talking to me,
at first i was afraid
that her dad had got more serious
but then i remembered
that people are fragile
and all i had done, was take
her broken pieces, and try to
super glue them back together.
I hope my tears are a better adhesive
for the wreck of her life.

i wrote her a letter, and it went like this:
"i want you to know that im really, truly sorry, for being me.
im sorry for believing all the shit in that book
that i thought i loved, just because you did
but now i know
love is not about honesty, honestly
like those songs have told us
its about being there,
being a pillow to your tears
silent and understanding.
Punctuate this better. Beautiful.

i hope that you can give me
another chance to prove myself, i swear ill try my hardest
to be more than just a pillow, but the blanket you're wrapped in
and the song you sing along to.
because love is not about being with somebody
its being there for them.
i will be there for you."
Hemm, this goes a bit too long. Maybe all this needed is a quick 'I hope you can forgive me'. Don't overdo things.

November 4th
Dear Diary,
she replied! my first post
in weeks, nobody writes anymore
"meet me at the top of the hill
at eight tomorrow evening.
you love me so i can do nothing
but forgive you"
she signed with three X's
they were the most meaningful kisses
i had ever received.
I really liked the way you wrote the conversational style with mistakes; it adds even more honesty and reality to it. Also, the relation to text form kisses is very good. I've always wanted to apply those into my own writing but never found the appropriate time to do it. You did it with a lot of character and humbleness. It's something I should look up to.
If you are looking for a serious critique in terms of ripping this apart, don't come to me. I don't want to. I'm thoroughly enjoying this and I think the best thing I've read from you so far. Let me read on.


November 6th
Dear Diary,
yesterday was amazing, we sat on the grass
holding hands
as the sky exploded with colour
Poor line breaks. Rearrange them for something else. The best thing to do is experiment and use your gut, not your head.
like a movie.
she didnt say a thing the whole evening
the only break of silence
was my whispered apology.

November 18th
Dear Diary,
ive been going around
with a spring in my step
with her in my head
and love in my heart
shes my favourite secret
that no one will ever know.
This turns too abruptly into a vocal style verse. It's too rhythmical.

November 23rd
Dear Diary,
Happy Birthday
proclaims the hallmark card
that i slid through her letterbox this morning;
theyve been putting my exact thoughts
on paper for nearly a hundred years straight.
and im sorry for being cheesy
but doesnt it feel warm,
like home,
or what home should have been?
Very pretty, once again.

December 9th
Dear Diary,
the first snow
fell softly
Put this line on the one preceding it. You're trying to be too poetic... don't do it.
like her breathing
on the back of my neck
Maybe these lines don't need to broke either?
we were lying like that for hours
not even caring about the cold.
rooftops
are damn fine places to be
on nights like these,
the town lit up
for jolly old saint nick.
This gets better and better.

December 13th
Dear Diary,
friday the thirteenth
unlucky for some, but not for me
im invincible, complete.
she is what my life has been missing
a puzzle piece
although i still cant see
the completed picture.
i think ill blame the fog.
Humour - great stuff!

December 22nd
Dear Diary,
last minute shopping, got to
make this year special
unforgettable
like the night we spent
way back when
we were still madly
in love.
im afraid that, all she does now
is keep me satisfied.
Oh, the story changes perfectly again...

December 23rd
Dear Diary,
ive got her present
sitting on my bedside
it is her favourite book
that changed her life
but ive scribbled my thoughts
onto every page
with rhymes, prose and pictures
although there are a few things there
that id like to keep
im giving them all to her
quite selflessly
Don't like the way you adding yourself into this. Don't tell me that your selfless, I hate people doing that.

December 24th
Dear Diary,
another letter in the post
fell through my door this morning.
i think that you can always tell
when bad news is coming
and i didnt like from the start
"and I didn't like it from the start"
the omnipotent thump
as the paper dropped to the floor
it read
"im sorry i have to do this
but i think its for the best.
i dont think this is working out
we should really end it here.
my reasons are to be kept for me
but as you sit there reading, helplessly
i think i will tell you one of the things
which has led me to do this
you never do anything for a conversation
and the constant "how are you"s make you seem quite clingy
you really need to be more than just a doorpost
for someone to lean on
you need to be another person
and you need to make each other
complete."
This is just fantastic writing.

I was sitting, helplessly, tears splattering the page,
and i realised that love
is not a one way street
it cant just be given and received.
it needs to be shared.
and all i had done
was pour my efforts into her
try to make her feel happy
and because this satisfied me
i had blocked her off
from doing the same.
Meh, this didn't really do anything for me. I see what you are saying and agree, but that's it. There was no panache to something that I already know and feel. Just because something is relatable and intelligent, doesn't mean it's good writing. Don't tell me straight away how you came to terms with what love really means, because, for me anyway, there is no rational thinking when this kind of thing happens. You could of lengthened the piece slightly, giving room for another day of confusion, disorientation and bitter distrust for everyone and anything. And then you could of brought yourself to a better understanding. What you did is not very real. This is just my perspective.

December 25th
Dear Diary,
i gave myself her favourite book today
it was wrapped in shiny paper
with a haiku on
the label, ironically
about love, for her.
but now that ive given all mine away
im left feeling empty, and i think
ill be like this for a while.
Perfect perfect ending. It's so anti climatic, and for that, it's brilliant. Suddenly I see ever more deeper into your head; the sense of being beaten and downtrodden. The sense of failure and blind recognition is just wonderful to see.


One of the best pieces I've read in a long time. This needs very little changes, it's nigh on perfect.

As a whole, I think it flows from one entry to the next very well, with a few exceptions and it's very comendable. Maybe someone else can give something useful for you. I hope I helped just a little.

Digitally Clean
#20
Dan, you are the f*cking greatest.

Will edit now.

Edited. Some of the things you said Dan, you were right, but this piece as a whole is personal to me. Not the story, but certain bits. It's like a notebook from my life over the last few years.

And to the explaining love part, that's not me. I just felt it was necessary for the character to come to a conclusion about it. You know, that was kind of the point, how a relationship can change perspective on things, and it was the "climax".

Also, in regards to length, this is longer than what people are used to on here, and length tends to scare people away. Also, even if I wanted to write more on this, it just wouldn't fit, and I couldn't anyway. Don't have the mindset anymore.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Dec 12, 2008,
#21
This seems incredibly personal. Is it??
So on that reason, I'm not really going to say what's wrong with it, as it seems like a diary entry.
Although, if it isn't, then just say and I'll have another look at it
I really liked it, the imagery, to me, was great as I had all these vivid pictures in my head whilst I was reading it.
Also, some of the lines, moreso about love than anything else, were very meaningful and deep.

Sorry I havn't really given much crit here,
But another quick look at 'Half Completed Revolutions' (formerly 'Cigarettes And Ecstasy') would appreciated as I have changed it a LOT
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#22
I didn't like the "dear diary" theme. To be honest I found it completely unnecessary. The dates would have been sufficient, as the title suggested it was a diary anyway. It came to the point I was saying, "fine, I get it, stop saying it already". You have to remember that as a writer, every word you put in has weight and this weighed the piece down.

I've been reading a lot of film reviews lately and if there's one thing that applies here as well is that it's "slow". The progression of the story is very slow. I think the point that you have made in these ~200 lines could have been made in about half that many, if not less.
To me it's as if you forgot this is a piece of writing and treated it as a real diary. I guess it's something that you might have done on purpose, but I really did get to a point that I couldn't keep focus anymore, as you were repeating the same points and ideas over and over again. The story was moving, I know, but your feelings were a constant until the very end. Emotionally, to me this was boring other than very few places here and there.

I don't think working in such a long format suits you. I haven't read many pieces from you, but this gives me a very clean and unbiased look at this piece and I still think you need to write a lot shorter pieces before you delve into trying to keep a reader going for 200 lines.
This is not a pipe
#23
I like it, personal, simple and interesting, kept me with it the whole time, not at any stage did I think of skipping sections, well done, loving every bit of it my friend nice work! and thanks for the crit on "twelve walls" should help to make it better cheers, and F*cking awesome!
#26
Carmel, everything you said is completely true, I cannot argue with that. However, I don't quite think you get the point. All of these things you picked up on are purposeful. No disrespect, sorry for being a defensive b*tch.

Although, I will take your advice on no more long things.
But not on the repetition of "Dear Diary". That's another one of my anecdotal things.

And Dylan, yes please. But no rush. Papers are important (apparently).

After that, I think I'll finally let this die.
#27
what i read here so far is great, i'll read the rest later on, way too long for my attention span but nice job and thanks for the crit on mine- Matlock
#28
"I've been reading a lot of film reviews lately and if there's one thing that applies here as well is that it's "slow". The progression of the story is very slow. I think the point that you have made in these ~200 lines could have been made in about half that many, if not less"
ok carmel, tbh the piece would loose alot of character and personality if he would have shortened it as you said, and it would have become more or less boring, it's long, yes, but when I read it, I couldn't stop, and that is a great acomplishment right there. I love the way the piece goes from one emotion to the next, and I love the somewhat easy language, it flows really nice for me. personally I think this is one of the best pieces I've read, instead of getting hung up in clishe quotes, u told it straight, and that was really good. all in all a REALLY good piece.

crit my piece? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1024559
#29
September 15th
Dear Diary,
i did it, i conquered fear,
my demons have left me,
for now.
but you still dont know the best part;
she said yes.

October 9th
Dear Diary,
life is fantastic. every day is the
best day. she opened up to me
completely over the last few weeks
and i finally think i understand
what people mean when they say
that people are fragile.

-so far very enjoyable, although at the end, I did not enjoy the repition of the word 'people'. I feel it ruins the flow from the first stanza

she showed me her favourite book,
and i read it cover to cover
it hasnt left my bedside since,
and i think its changed my life
like it did
hers.

October 28th
Dear Diary,
everything is not rosy,
everything is fucked.
her dad had hit her again
in a drunken rage, and all i could do
was open my smart damned mouth
and offer her advice.
i should have known by now
that i cant be her cure
to everything
but i can make it all
a bit more enjoyable.

-I liked the realistic feel I got from this. It really felt like true thoughts.

November 2nd
Dear Diary,
she wasnt talking to me,
at first i was afraid
that her dad had got more serious
but then i remembered
that people are fragile
-(really liked the tie-back)
and all i had done, was take
her broken pieces, and try to
super glue them back together.
I hope my tears are a better adhesive
for the wreck of her life.

i wrote her a letter, and it went like this:
"i want you to know that im really, truly sorry, for being me.
im sorry for believing all the shit in that book
that i thought i loved, just because you did.
but now i know
love is not about honesty, honestly
like those songs have told us.
its about being there,
being a pillow to your tears
silent and understanding.

i hope that you can give me
another chance to prove myself, i swear ill try my hardest
to be more than just a pillow, but the blanket you're wrapped in
and the song you sing along to.
because love is not about being with somebody
its being there for them.
i will be there for you."

-I feel like you took this letter (and the letter later on) has a very poetic approach. Much more then the actual text of the rest of the literature. I really like what it adds to the entire thing. It really does make it beautiful.

November 4th
Dear Diary,
she replied! my first post
in weeks, nobody writes anymore
"meet me at the top of the hill
at eight tomorrow evening.
you love me so i can do nothing
but forgive you"
she signed with three X's
they were the most meaningful kisses
i had ever received.

November 6th
Dear Diary,
yesterday was amazing, we sat on the grass
holding hands, as the sky
exploded with colour
like a movie.
she didnt say a thing the whole evening
the only break of silence
was my whispered apology.

-didn't really feel the 'like a movie' part, but I loved the last three lines a whole lot.

November 18th
Dear Diary,
ive been going around with a
spring in my step, with
her in my head, and
love in my heart.
shes my favourite secret
that no one will ever know.

-I kinda feel like the last two lines are kinda unnecessary in the context of the rest of the poem. Just don't know where it's coming from really.

November 23rd
Dear Diary,
Happy Birthday
proclaims the hallmark card
that i slid through her letterbox this morning;
theyve been putting my exact thoughts
on paper for nearly a hundred years straight.
and im sorry for being cheesy
but doesnt it feel warm,
like home,
or what home should have been?

-But doesn't what feel warm and like home? don't know exactly what you are referring to.

December 9th
Dear Diary,
the first snow fell softly
like her breathing on the back of my neck.
we were lying like that for hours
not even caring about the cold.
rooftops
are damn fine places to be
on nights like these,
the town lit up
for jolly old saint nick.

-really liked the first half of this. Thought it captivated the exact physical experience. but, the "jolly old saint nick' part kinda felt like you just threw it in there for the flow, and felt really forced.

December 13th
Dear Diary,
friday the thirteenth
unlucky for some, but not for me
im invincible, complete.
she is what my life has been missing
a puzzle piece
although i still cant see
the completed picture.
i think ill blame the fog.

December 22nd
Dear Diary,
last minute shopping, got to
make this year special
unforgettable
like the night we spent
way back when
we were still madly
in love.
im afraid that, all she does now
is keep me satisfied.

-really liked every part of this. Not much else I can say.

December 23rd
Dear Diary,
ive got her present
sitting on my bedside
it is her favourite book
that changed her life
but ive scribbled my thoughts
onto every page
with rhymes, prose and pictures
although there are a few things there
that id like to keep
im giving everything
to her,

December 24th
Dear Diary,
another letter in the post
fell through my door this morning.
i think that you can always tell
when bad news is coming
and i didnt it like from the start
the omnipotent thump
as the paper dropped to the floor
it read
"im sorry i have to do this
but i think its for the best.
i dont think this is working out
we should really end it here.
my reasons are to be kept for me
but as you sit there reading, helplessly
i think i will tell you one of the things
which has led me to do this
you never do anything for a conversation
and the constant "how are you"s make you seem quite clingy
you really need to be more than just a doorpost
for someone to lean on
you need to be another person
and you need to make each other
complete."

I was sitting, helplessly, tears splattering the page,
and i realised that love
is not a one way street
it cant just be given and received.
it needs to be shared.
and all i had done
was pour my efforts into her
try to make her feel happy
and because this satisfied me
i had blocked her off
from doing the same.

December 25th
Dear Diary,
i gave myself her favourite book today
it was wrapped in shiny paper
with a haiku on
the label, ironically
about love, for her.
but now that ive given all mine away
im left feeling empty, and i think
ill be like this for a while.



I really thought this was great. I felt like I was able to truly connect to the character, and have a very nice insight not only in his 'Diary' but also, and even more so, in his mind.
eyes Bright?
#30
Amazing flowing language
I don't like the whole diary thing to be honest
Try and spill you're emotions on a song about life and the ups and downs, the product will be lifechanging.
You have the talent and the ideas
Comment on my profile if you decide to do that
#31
After reading this four or five times it grew on me
Especially the letter on november 2nd
That could make it big time if you make lyrics for the rest of the song
Check out Good Charlotte - Predictable (letter sounds like the break in the middle)
Great lyrics and that song really shows emotion
#32
Not a song!
Hahaaaa.

Also, lrn2edit.


Seeing as Dylan isn't going to get to this after all, let's leave this to die.
#33
wow, this piece is just brilliant. i dont really feel like i could do much help criting it line by line, because i see how personal it is to you and i dont wanna give you any ideas that might change that. i think apart from just a few parts that "AngryGoldfisg" did a great job of pointing out, this is just perfect.


my favorite lines were :
"love is not about honesty, honestly
like those songs have told us.
its about being there,
being a pillow to your tears
silent and understanding."

Those words are so well put together and just say so much about the true aspect of love that it just put a lump in my throat thinking about it.

The length of this is also great, its like a great but long book, despite the length i just wanted to keep reading. and the ending, so abrupt but at the same time straight to the point of everything you were trying to say before, is just amazing.


this is by far the best piece ive read on UG.com, and ive read a lot. keep up the beautiful writing!
Quote by chamill4u
Also, start inconspicuously humping the nearest immobile object while darting your eyes back and forth suspiciously. Works best if the nearest immobile object is also the nearest person.



Bend (newest)

Seven To Forever

We've All Seen
#34
love is not about honesty, honestly
like those songs have told us.
its about being there,
being a pillow to your tears
silent and understanding.

this was especially beautiful. i liked the whole thing actually, i can't say much only having read it once but those 5 lines touched me. i think I'm going to write them down somewhere. that whole story with the book was an idea I loved.
and this is very true:
it cant just be given and received.
it needs to be shared.

it's what my life is right now. you're great.