#1
c4c




My fiance told me today that I don't have a soul.
By sheer coincidence, I decided earlier today that
I might not go to hell, because my soul isn't quite
as black as I'd originally thought.

Then I realized God probably isn't real.
Which just fucks up her premise that since
she thinks God is in the snow and
I think snow is a pain the ass;
I just don't have a soul...
or I sold it to the devil.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle.

Still,
the point was made.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about the statement.
Does thinking snow is ugly mean I don't have a soul?
If I don't have a soul, does that mean I can never play the blues?
Is Jimi Hendrix still considered a blues guitarist?

You know, the important questions.
#2
title was gay. (not in a homosexual sense as much as a purely derogatory sense)

ending was redundant I felt.

I think it should have ended at "you know, the important questions" or maybe had one other line after that.

I'm exhausted. I'll be back hun.
#3
what was that about explanations at the top of a piece, Zach?:P

But seriously, how this piece works, i don't know, but it does. It's rambly, but in a good way, and talks about religion in a cynical way (which always wins me over), and it has a message. But more than anything, it a really fun read. I should nitpick, but i can't be bothered
#4
Oh fine. point out my hypocrisy.

Thanks mate. Title changed for you Dyl. I just put something on because I saw two thread titled something about first snow or something. And after finally re-reading this, I'm taking your advice on the last lines too Dyl. Good call, schmexy.
#5
"obviously, I think God is a pain in the ass and" has no purpose the way I see it. It would be better to just get rid of that and add an "I" or "and" in the next line. Fits your more snappy, witty style.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
I agree with Jake. That line (and several others, such as the Hendrix line) are very unsnappy and too rambly. There are alot of lines that can be thrown out, but your left with a good premise and some solid punches.

EDIT: I think the intro is waaaay too slow (for your standards) into starting the scene. I don't like-ums.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Dec 9, 2008,
#8
c4c




My fiance told me today that I don't have a soul.
By sheer coincidence, I decided earlier today that
I might not go to hell, because my soul isn't quite
as black as I'd originally thought.

Interesting enough. I like it. Not much to comment on here.

Then I realized God probably isn't real.
Which just fucks up her premise that since
she thinks God is in the snow and
I think snow is a pain the ass;
and therefore don't have a soul...
or I just sold it to the devil.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle.

You lose me in your sentence structure here. The two lines before the Aristotle line don't make sense together, and don't make sense with the first half of the sentence. I'd revise it for clarity. I mean, I get the gist of what you're saying, but it made me stumble mentally and lose the stream-of-consciousness flow of it. Oh, and for the record, I've always hated the phrase "put that in your pipe and smoke it."

Still,
the point was made.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about the statement.
Does thinking snow is ugly mean I don't have a soul?
If I don't have a soul, does that mean I can never play the blues?
Is Jimi Hendrix still considered a blues guitarist?

I like the dash of humor, but I don't. It gets your point across, but I think it could've been done with a bit more.. finesse. I don't know.

You know, the important questions.




Not my favorite from you, but still very true to your form (that made me like your writing in the first place). Hope this helps.
#10
Great stuff. I might be back - I might be not... - and I will see what else I can say about this. It's most likely going to be a few compliments followed by a few bitching points, you know, the normal jizz.
#11
to be honest, i wasn't feeling this. i think you can do so much better. the first stanza was okay in creating a scene and setting. it made me expect one of your usual fun witty pieces. however, i thought that the second and third stanzas were weak. I dont know. they made me go "wait, what? where did this come from?", especially the second stanza. you seemed to draw conclusions from nothing, and your transitions weren't very smooth. i don't know if im missing something, but that's my opinion. i'm not sure how i feel about the aristotle line either, i dont think its bad bad, but i dont quite like it. i actually think the ending and overal concept shows potential, it has your usual humour. i just think it could shine a lot more with a more organized build up. overal, this could be nice, the middle section just need some work in my opinion.
thanks for checking out my piece(s), sorry for getting back to you this late.
#12
the rambling all-over-the-place-ness was the best bit. if it wasn't so out there i would have a hard time digesting it, but you managed to make this work.

My fiance told me today that I don't have a soul.
By sheer coincidence, I decided earlier today that
I might not go to hell, because my soul isn't quite
as black as I'd originally thought.


was probably the best stanza... a sort of hopeless self-torture in the face of failure (or it sounded like that at least : P)
⚑⚑⚑⚑⚑
#13
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c




My fiance told me today that I don't have a soul.
By sheer coincidence, I decided earlier today that
I don't think the word sheer has any added meaning here. It's one of those things that I think you throw in their hoping to make it more natural and colloquial but sacrifice a more poetic voice for. This is probably one of the few recurring things that bothers me about your stuff. (sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not supposed to).

I might not go to hell, because my soul isn't quite
as black as I'd originally thought.
opener was pretty good. How does it feel to use the word fiance

Then I realized God probably isn't real.
Which just fucks up her premise that since
she thinks God is in the snow and
I think snow is a pain the ass;
pain in the ass i hope
I just don't have a soul...
or I sold it to the devil.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Aristotle.
humorous, alright in terms of development but it seems like the same thing i mentioned earlier. I don't get very much out of reading this with the exception of lines 1,3,4,5

Still,
the point was made.
I spent the rest of the day thinking about the statement.
thinking about the statement is sort of an ugly phrasing here
Does thinking snow is ugly mean I don't have a soul?
If I don't have a soul, does that mean I can never play the blues?
Is Jimi Hendrix still considered a blues guitarist?

You know, the important questions.
solid ending. Jimi hendrix line was awkward though.


I liked this but you can do better. You seem to write more for what your saying and lose sight of how you're saying it. You have very pretty ideas with less than pretty phrasing very often. This statement is terribly overgeneralized and probably sounds worse than i intend it to. Sorry about that. I just mean that I like where your going but sometimes it lets me down in writing (not referring to the ending of this piece or any other. just your ideas sometimes).


see you around
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#15
I really liked it
I has a nice sort of rambling flow to it. IMO it's also not very serious and is fun to read, which is always good
It sounds like someone has just written their thoughts down on a scrap of paper w/o really paying too much attention to detail and structure (don't take this the wrong way ) so it has that almost impromptu quality to it, altough impromptu may not be the right word for it.
Sorry I don't have anything else to say
A quick look at 'Half Completed Revolutions' (sig) would be appreciated, only a few words need to be said though as I didn't exactly say much here.
thanks
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#16
For lack of intelligent things to say... it made me smile in the end.

Agreed, I have nothing negative to really say about the piece, it caught my attention right away, made me grin the more I read on and I thought ended on a good note. I don't know, I'll have to make an attempt to nitpick at it later.
#17
You're scoring points with my liking your pieces.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching