#1
Not really my style anymore. Make what you will of it.


Over the years I've noticed that
the coldest winters hinge on broken homes.
One fleeing father,
Two "broke-in" daughters,
Three counts of arson
and Nat King Cole on a gramophone.
That's all I need to get my fingers snapping,
my toes tapping, and my whole family's footprints all over the suburban streets.
Though I wouldn't say that I'm old fashioned,
I just hate when my conscience starts to bitch.

Like that time at the bar when I moved a little to the left
to get closer to the broad that was anorexic from head to toe.
I didn't even need to ask, she just looked over and said,
"I'm a billboard baby, what did you expect?"
I leaned over to give her lips a peck, her leg a squeeze,
and the inside of her purse a look-see.
I didn't spot anything resembling a ring
so I retreated to the car,
with a wife on my arm.

Once back home
I must have been a joke
because she turned away to smile.
It was interesting to note
that her neck could twist that far.
She never told me how or why,
though I'd kind of made up my mind
that it must be from time spent counting
her remaining days on the notches of her spine.
A panoram of ceiling fans and she'd be in her prime.

Still it wasn't long for me to see
she wasn't even close to what I need,
so I took the rising tide
and a serrated kitchen knife
and played it off as
pure bad luck.

See what I mean?
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Dec 9, 2008,
#2
Quote by bassbeat77


Like that time at the bar when I moved a little to the left
to get closer to the broad that was wearing the cosmetics store. This doesn't work properly. I know what you're saying, but "wearing the cosmetic store" is just too...weak, i guess
I didn't even need to ask, she just looked over and said,
"I'm a billboard baby, what did you expect?"
I leaned over to give her lips a peck, her leg a squeeze,
and the inside of her purse a look-see.
I didn't see anything resembling a ring
so I retreated to the car,
with a wife on my arm. These last three lines are very weak, especially the first of the three

Once back home
I must have been a joke
because she turned away to smile.
It was interesting to note
that her neck could twist that far.
She never told me how or why,
though I'd kind of made up my mind
that it must be from time spent counting
her remaining days on the notches of her spine. This was all pretty meh until this line, especially compared with the first stanza
A panoram of ceiling fans and she'd be in her prime.

Still it wasn't long for me to see
she wasn't even close to what I need,
so I took the rising tide
and a serrated kitchen knife
and played it off as
pure bad luck. This is pretty weak writing, though it has its moments. Flows nicely though

See what I mean?


The first stanza was amazing, the rest was okay, just needed to be nitpicked
#3
I bloody love this. I have absolute admiration and respect for Kyle (kdwones) but where the hell was he going with that critique? How can you not love "I must have been a joke/because she turned away to smile?"
I've always found 'my favoured style' to be very hard to pin-point, probably due to the fact that its forever changing is as far reaching as my lifestyle will allow - and I mean that in the least pretentious way possible - but this must be very near the mark. And that is the case because it's clear.
I love clarity. I just find meandering metaphors and pale imagery to be aggravating; for the simple reason that I often fail to understand them. That's not me being ignorant, that's just me being a little uneducated. It's the way I've always been with English literature.
While you don't have to be a wizard to get into this, there are still many tributaries that you can venture down in your own time - which I will definitely do - it makes me feel like I'm reading a trilogy; like I'm waiting for the second part to come and blow me away even further from my spot. I'm left wanting more, in other words. The characters are developed to a pristine degree and are ready to be chewed on for a while and left to churn in my belly.
There's discomfort, there's pleasantries, there's all sorts of weirdness. The style and witty humour is so bleak, but uplifting as well, for the simple fact that it's funny. It's a no bull**** piece that batters you over and over and over. But, there is bull**** in there if you want there to be. Just keep reading and you might find yourself discovering it.

- "and the inside of her purse a look-see.
I didn't see anything resembling a ring" - I don't like the repetition of "see". It could be changed to 'notice' or something just as familiar, but not as repetitious.

- "Like that time at the bar when I moved a little to the left
to get closer to the broad that was wearing the cosmetics store." - Kyle is right, this doesn't hit home in the way you might want, but it still is a fine point to throw out there. I have no problem with someone doing that, as long as it fits the flow and tonality of the piece - and in this case, it does.
You could of advanced the dancing idea a little more with this line, just a little, and it would of illuminated certain themes and philosophies that the reader could of developed in their own ways. It would also of given this a more humorous touch, which is needed to compliment the slapstick nature of the ending of the line; comparing the girl to a "cosmetic store". Maybe it's that itself that is slightly off putting. I don't know. Maybe humour should of been ignored here, replacing it with something stark and depressing - completed unhindered by wit or comical cynicism.

The ending feels a little, tiny bit off the mark in terms of what you are expecting, but I like that. It gives the piece character in terms of intuitiveness, intrigued and variation. Having a surprise is good, no matter what the surprise is, if you ask me. Well, within reason, anyway.

Once again, this was fantastic writing. I apologize for spending most of my words licking your ass. I felt an urge to...

Digitally Clean
#6
i probably shouldn't bump this, but i feel i should answer your question. I think weak is too strong a word, there's just something about this that didn't click with me. I agree with Dan, don't know what i was on when i said that line was bad, but despite that, i still think this just lacks a little...something. Thre's a spark, but it's not quite a full-ledged fire. The rewrite was miles better, that line really was a downer. I'm not sure if i like "spot" though. Maybe "find" would be better?
#7
I thought this was lovely writing. I really enjoyed the word choices and the flow and the rhymes and all of it. I will say that this isn't my favorite from you content wise. It's good. It's done well but I didn't connect much. I guess that's personal though but to me the ideas just didn't seem that interesting I guess. Just worded interestingly. Now that's nothing very constructive or major. That's just all I can say that kept me from really liking this all the way. I can say that I very much enjoyed reading it.

Sorry for rambilng haha
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