#1
Fear is the most elegant weapon
your hands are never messy
Threatening bodily harm is crude
Work instead on minds and beliefs

play insecurities like a piano
Be creative in approach
Force anxiety to excruciating levels
or gently undermine the public confidence

Panic drives human herds over cliffs
terror induced immobilization
Fear feeds on fear
Put this efficient process in motion

It will be demonstrated that nothing is safe
sacred
sane

there is no respite from horror
Absolutes are quicksilver
results are spectacular

my first lyrics!
good? bad? geez this took me for goddamn ever.
#2
divide em.. chorus, riffs and stuff... and use a thesaurus to improve it furthur...
quite good i'd say..
cheers!
#3
I read this as just a collection of commands and statements about an obscure topic. I couldn't find any reason in them, and the ending didn't wrap anything up IMO. It's very underdeveloped, and ideas need to expanded. Have a nice day.
#4
Quote by exylum
Fear is the most elegant weapon
your hands are never messy
Nice idea, Really like this.
Threatening bodily harm is crude
Crazy number of syllables in this line, and although its not too different from the other lines (9, 7, 9, 8) because of the polysyllabic "threatening" and "bodily" it feels messy to read.
Work instead on minds and beliefs
Fine.

play insecurities like a piano
Be creative in approach
Brilliant.
Force anxiety to excruciating levels
or gently undermine the public confidence
Never heard of the phrase "public confidence". (I assume this is the same as self-esteem, right?)

Panic drives human herds over cliffs
I like h/h, and the idea here, and the connotation of herd, making people into animals.
terror induced immobilization
Contradictory. Are the people jumping off of cliffs, or are they immobilized?
Fear feeds on fear
As much as I enjoy the alliteration, I'm afraid I wasn't too keen on the repetition of fear.
Put this efficient process in motion

It will be demonstrated that nothing is safe
sacred
sane
Good, but the line breaks annoyed me. Personal opinion on that one though.

there is no respite from horror
Absolutes are quicksilver
results are spectacular
I smiled.


They're very good, especially for a first timer. Remember to keep your capitalization consistent throughout, a quick once over from you will do the trick.

however, although you communicated your ideas well, I felt you didn't linger enough on certain ideas. It seemed that you put a separate idea on each pair of lines for th four line stanzas, and then you went to the strange three liners, which I'll get onto later.
For example, in the first stanza, first pair, you say that fear is a weapon, a substitute for something "messier", for example a knife. But then suddenly you leap from that weapon idea, to another in the next two lines. These have abandoned the "weapon" idea, it tells us that instead of hurting people physically, we should do it mentally, intangibly.
I guess what I'm trying to say is each stanza seems to contain two separate ideas, and although linked together, you jump between them too quickly. I want to hear more about how fear is a weapon, how you creatively manipulate insecurities "like a piano". That was the best wasted idea, IMO, the piano. It could have led onto many more musical related analogies/similes/metaphors etc, but that's all it was, one line.

The two stanza's at the end, well the second last one was really just one line. The line breaks, although used for effect, didn't really work on me. It may have, if it was: "lengthy line
word
lengthy line"
Or something like that.
The final stanza was quite easily the strangest. It was an excellent example of your writing abilities, this quicksilver bit (maybe because I'm a sucker for one liners at the end). The flow of the structure from the first three stanzas to the next and to the next wasn't great.

Lot's of potential here.


Longest crit I've ever done.

C4C? Link in sig, Dear Diary.