#1
Clouds Trap Heat

As I walk from this place
I get soaked and I cry
As tears fall from the Sun
Covered by clouds that blought it out
The sun is the only eye still watching me
watching me watching me
watching you

I'm stuck in theis place
dying to get out
I'm drowning here
The Sun's tears won't let me move
I'm stuck here watching you

Hold tight, memories
As I'm watching you
Sun in my eye
they fade away

If only the clouds would move
they consume all the warmth
though then I might drown quicker
at least I would move
as for now
I'm stuck watching you

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Its not done yet, flow and wording might change up a bit. Just started this one and would like opinions on. C4C as always, just leave a link.

-Ryan
#3
Sorry man.

I think the rules might have changed since the last time I posted here.
or I jacked it then too. hmmm... if so sorry for past times too. lol

won't happen again.

-Ryan
#4
Quote by Jared R. Boyd
Clouds Trap Heat

As I walk from this place
I get soaked and I cry
As tears fall from the Sun
Covered by clouds that blought it out
The sun is the only eye still watching me
watching me watching me
watching you

I'm an asshole about punctuation... Because I think it's necessary for flow... and pieces should flow or suffer being mediocre. Blought=blot? Repetition in this stanza isn't working for me. Nothing justifies it.

I'm stuck in theis place
dying to get out
I'm drowning here
The Sun's tears won't let me move
I'm stuck here watching you

Sun and drowning idea doesn't sit well with me - stick to one. Theis=this?

Hold tight, memories
As I'm watching you
Sun in my eye

they fade away

This honestly made me laugh a bit. The bolded portion is just... no this stanza does NOT work for me.

If only the clouds would move
they consume all the warmth
though then I might drown quicker
at least I would move
as for now
I'm stuck watching you

Clash of the Sun and Drowning ideas again.

-------------------------------------------

Its not done yet, flow and wording might change up a bit. Just started this one and would like opinions on. C4C as always, just leave a link.

-Ryan


It's repetitive without needing to be so, diminishing it's value IMO. Nothing really intriguing here. Could be better. Link in sig to mine if you care. Have a nice day.
#5
The drowning is from the sun's tears.

however, I can see how that could be taken as conflicting ideas.

thanks for the crit. man.