#1
I wake up in the morning

I try to take a shower

But theres no hot water

So I just water the flowers


I walk outside in the afternoon

I notice the amber water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet


I lay my head down at night

After a big ass fight

All bruised up inside

I'll just bandage myself up


I walk outside in the morning

I notice the boiling water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet


People drowning the water

But I start to swim, So I will win

People trying to pull me down

So I won't rise to defeat


I walk outside in the evening

I notice theres no water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet


Theres no water

Thankfully


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Opinions please
#2
Quote by stubbs
I wake up in the morning

I try to take a shower

But theres no hot water

So I just water the flowers

Meh, common so far. The opening line is so overused it isn't interesting.


I walk outside in the afternoon

I notice the amber water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet

So far the flow is terrible IMO. Still just ho-hum writing.


I lay my head down at night

After a big ass fight

All bruised up inside

I'll just bandage myself up

Ass? Really? Poor word choice. The whole Bruised and Bandaged idea is just... yawn.


I walk outside in the morning

I notice the boiling water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet

So far someone is just walking in and out of their house and seeing water... there's no connections being made here in my mind. Just nonsense.


People drowning the water

But I start to swim, So I will win

People trying to pull me down

So I won't rise to defeat

"drowning -in- the water"?


I walk outside in the evening

I notice theres no water

Flowin down the street

Towards everyone's feet


Theres no water

Thankfully


------------------------------------

Opinions please


Meh. It's just so repetitive! Not that repetition is bad, it can be a good thing, but here it just drowns the reader in 'water, water, water' for no apparent reason. Yeah, maybe that's you're metaphor or symbol or whatever, but it's just not strong enough to really matter IMO... Expand more on the water, use punctuation, add some imagery - or else it's just 'another one of those', you know? Click the link in the sig if you feel like returning the favor. Have a nice day.
#4
Yea it's not great but I mean I just really started writing so.... the advice really helps