#1
Ode to a Pondering Swan


Sex, Coffee, and Conversation,
My mind figured – to my elation,
Action, chitty chat,
And an a-hundred foot flat,
Separated me from you,

Talk as small as my ego,
Every answer is “I believe so”.
We flounder around each other,
Like daughter and mother,
That dam between me and you,

Ode to a pondering swan,
I need to spread my wings,
I just cannot help,
Getting caught up in things,

Ode to a pondering swan,
I need to spread my wings,
I just cannot help,
Getting caught up in things,

You make my life an un-mess,
You make me seem un-unrespectable,
I now feel un-unpopular,
Just another step un-backwards,
And we’re there.

There there swan,
She’s not the only one,
There’s another chance,
If you sing and dance,
But you’ll never have the balls.
#2
Quote by Leo_Watkins
Ode to a Pondering Swan


Sex, Coffee, and Conversation,
My mind figured – to my elation,
Action, chitty chat,
And an a-hundred foot flat,
Separated me from you,

Commas everywhere - periods have gone on vacation. Not too bad of an opening.

Talk as small as my ego,
Every answer is “I believe so”.
We flounder around each other,
Like daughter and mother,
That dam between me and you,

Ho-hum. I like the idea of the last two lines.

Ode to a pondering swan,
I need to spread my wings,
I just cannot help,
Getting caught up in things,

Ode to a pondering swan,
I need to spread my wings,
I just cannot help,
Getting caught up in things,

Honestly, didn't dig the 'pondering swan' idea at all... could just be me but...

You make my life an un-mess,
You make me seem un-unrespectable,
I now feel un-unpopular,
Just another step un-backwards,
And we’re there.

All the 'un' prefixes COULD be clever, but here it's just sounds horrible.

There there swan,
She’s not the only one,
There’s another chance,
If you sing and dance,
But you’ll never have the balls.

Pondering swans and BALLS... lovely. The last line just totally bombs and doesn't fit well with the rest of the piece IMO.


Periods are you friends... have a nice day.
#3
Quote by Leo_Watkins
Ode to a Pondering Swan

And an a-hundred foot flat,
this an/a annoyed me. I can see why it's necessary, but at first it felt like you had said something like "an a tree".


Ode to a pondering swan,
Pondering is such a weird adjective. Especially for a swan.
OH! It's pond-ering! clever pun (but I still don't like it).


You make my life an un-mess,
You make me seem un-unrespectable,
I now feel un-unpopular,
Just another step un-backwards,
Hated the "un"s.


But you’ll never have the balls.
I'm not sure if I like this COMPLETE change in tone.


Those were the only bad points, for me.
I loved the flow, the rhymes really worked.


C4C? Link in sig, Dear Diary.