#1
Don't crit this, SCROLL DOWN TO POST #4

As they sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’s decided to flee
This earth and all the things it’s faking
They’re so angry, they’re constantly quaking

(They only want a chance worth taking)

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities,
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality


I forget my hands are only serving me
There are people in this world who can only dream
They drink from buckets filled not with water but with tears
They tend a land so dry, so barren it hasn’t rained in years

Only two things grow;
Their hope
And their increasing fear

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality

We know what’s going on
But we choose not to act.
We know if we do it will cost us
We’d rather keep our money to ourselves.
I’m perfectly able to help you out,
But I don’t want to.
I just happen to forget the inconvenient truth

My life revolves around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in my pocket,
And what’s on TV
I devote my time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a perfect copy of me.



C4C if I have time, which I probably will just leave a link
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by jon93971
As they sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’s decided to flee
This really should be future tense too; "and who will decide to flee"
This earth and all the things it’s faking
They’re so angry, they’re constantly quaking
Forced rhythm and rhyme are horrible. Also, this is a complete jump from this wonderful image I had of these people around a fire, waiting to be developed.

(They only want a chance worth taking)
Nice.

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
I really like these three lines.
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities,
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality
Not so much these. The TV culture reference didn't go down well for me. Also didn't like the repetition of money and TV.
The last two lines felt like they had far too many syllables.


I forget my hands are only serving me
There are people in this world who can only dream
They drink from buckets filled not with water but with tears
"buckets not filled with water but tears"? Reversed sentence structure felt like more forced rhythm.
They tend a land so dry, so baron it hasn’t rained in years
Barren I think it's spelled.

Only two things grow;
Their hope
And their increasing fear
Didn't like the line breaks, significant lack of flow.

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality


We know what’s going on
But we choose not to act.
We know if we do it will cost us
We’d rather keep our money to ourselves.
I’m perfectly able to help you out,
But I don’t want to.
L5+6 are just a repetition of L4, spoken a different way, and are so rendered pointless.
I just happen to forget the inconvenient truth
Good.

My life revolves around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in my pocket,
And what’s on TV
I devote my time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a perfect copy of me.


C4C if I have time, which I probably will just leave a link


I liked some of the things in here, but not so much the poverty and Tv culture ideas. Poverty was talked about so weakly here, mainly due to the irrelevance of the other verses. TV culture... just not my kinda thing.

You leaped from idea to idea too much, there was no singular clear message.


C4C?
Dear Diary,
Link Below.
#3
Quote by jon93971
As they sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’s decided to flee

Third line clashes... what is it... tense I think. Will/has. Yeah.

This earth and all the things it’s faking
They’re so angry, they’re constantly quaking

(They only want a chance worth taking)

-what- is so angry isn't clear, and this doesn't fit with the first idea... killed the opening image prematurely IMO.

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities,
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality


Doesn't fit well... they they they they and then all of a sudden -OUR-... maybe this should be moved or removed. I don't feel it belongs here this early in the piece.

I forget my hands are only serving me
There are people in this world who can only dream
They drink from buckets filled not with water but with tears
They tend a land so dry, so baron it hasn’t rained in years

Change in perspective is rather annoying and confusing. Is this about them? Is this about YOU? Us? Baron=barren? Other than the forced rhyme due to sentence reversal I like the idea here.

Only two things grow;
Their hope
And their increasing fear

Line breaks don't work for me here.

Our lives revolve around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in our pockets,
And what’s on TV
We devote our time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a TV personality

Ah, it's a chorus... seems a bit more fitting here. I like cigarettes - I don't like this chorus. The way you delivered the idea is too common... true but common.

We know what’s going on
But we choose not to act.
We know if we do it will cost us
We’d rather keep our money to ourselves.
I’m perfectly able to help you out,
But I don’t want to.
I just happen to forget the inconvenient truth

Line break at 'but I don't want to' doesn't seem necessary. Last line strikes me as odd for some reason I can't put my finger on at the moment... hrm. You say it's because you don't want to help, and then you say you're forgetting. It doesn't make much sense IMO.


My life revolves around
These cigarettes and ecstasy,
How much money’s in my pocket,
And what’s on TV
I devote my time and interests to celebrities.
Money, fame and greed make for a perfect copy of me.



C4C if I have time, which I probably will just leave a link


The thing with polemics is they are most times just... plain and uninteresting, and this piece falls in line with the others. You have some good ideas here, don't get me wrong. You're delivery just needs to be polished up. Trim some syllables in the lines to help it flow better, stop trying to force in rhymes - little things like that. Link in sig if you care. Have a nice day.
#4
hey, first of all thanks for all the crit probably the soonest i'll have enough time to have a look at your pieces will by at the weekend.
Anyways, I have virtually rewritten the whole song, changed the rythm/melody etc...
I hope it's better, i think it is
Also a new name (although it may not stand).
*=not keen/not sure about word
**=not keen/not sure about line

-I abbreviated a few words to make it flow more like it would be sung

EDIT: bridge changed

Half Completed Revolutions

As we sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’ll decide to flee
Guitars softly drift out into the night,
Along with comforting words that we’re gripping tight

(We only want a chance worth taking)

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,
In your direction we march

Intentions in your thoughts
As violent as the sea you sail upon
Constant threats from all directions like persistent falling rain
Close tight my eyes and think of better things,
Visions of home,
Peaceful days I can't remember
Those memories I disowned

To make space for these nightmares

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,
In your direction we march

Peaceful protests fail again,
Violent means reign ‘till the end
A half completed revolution,
Halfway there, still half to go
I will endure years spent oppressed,**
A heart shaped fist pounds in my chest
Repeated signs of life I hold,
In weathered hands,
To death exposed

The inconvenient truth passes you by,
Reality hits hard,
Even you cannot deny
The inconvenient truth passes you by,
Ignored cries for help subside
Our fate in your control
As you contemplate genocide


We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
We'll surface from the shadows by your feet
'Cause today,
Half completed revolutions will see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

Last edited by jon93971 at Dec 13, 2008,
#5
Title changed mate.


The thing I find with this is that it had some lovely subtle images stretched across behind a landscape of over-production. Its just trying so hard to be poetic that nothing feels particularly smooth or natural. The italics was ok, because it sat there as a "sing-a-long" of types... but the rest just seemed too overly-dramatic or over the top to sit right with me. I hope that makes sense. I'd say on your next piece, just write naturally. Don't worry about being poetic and what not; just write what flows. Develop your personal "writing tone" and then let that tone carry your pieces. When you try to force what you're saying into a standardized poetic tone, it comes out with no personality and fairly lifeless.

#6
first of all, thanks for changing the title
Could you give some specific examples of the over-dramatic lines??
To me, this doesn't feel like it's trying too hard. I didn't try to make it poetic, just wrote what I thought.
However, that is your opinion, and I'm grateful that you took the time to crit this
Jon
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#7
Quote by jon93971


Half Completed Revolutions

As we sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’ll decide to flee
Guitars softly drift out into the night,
Along with comforting words that we’re gripping tight

This section. It fits the rhythm, but at the same time... it just doesn't seem mature enough it seems a bit over the top. May just be me... but especially the "who will flee" line.
(We only want a chance worth taking)

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
Today,
The insurrection* begins


Again, you end on a note of over-dramaticism. I'd prefer some low-key imagery here... something that doesn't pop out so much like its trying to make a big deal out of something. Let the content be the big deal... don't over-present it.

Intentions in your thoughts
As violent as the sea you sail upon
Constant threats from all directions like the lashing of rain
Close tight my eyes and think of better things,
Visions of home,
Out in the garden, it’s silent,
No gunfire to be heard


This was solid, but on the verge. It just sits on the edge of corny, if you see what I'm saying. Its hard to believe you aren't stretching out something minute into a big ordeal. The types of imagery you've presented don't convince me you are telling me absolute truth. So some of it just seems like the imagery is stretching out into a realm of grandeur that doesn't quite sit in the piece for me.


I think you get the idea, on second read its not as bad as I originally thought about doing that. The first time a lot of those lines popped out and screams "corny" to me. But on re-read its really pretty solid. Still, things to think about.


May just be me too, I've been known have different tastes than most.
#8
ah right, i get you now
Thanks a lot ZanasCross for both crits.
I'll pobably have time this weekend to have a look at some more of your stuff
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#9
Quote by jon93971

*=not keen/not sure about word
**=not keen/not sure about line

As we sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
Get rid of "still".
And who’ll decide to flee
Guitars softly drift out into the night,
Drift softly, not softly drift.
Along with comforting words that we’re gripping tight

(We only want a chance worth taking)

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,**
In your direction we march**
This is fine. I don't know why you're unsure about these lines, I guess you could feel that there should be something better.


Intentions in your thoughts
As violent as the sea you sail upon
Constant threats from all directions like persistent falling rain
Close tight my eyes and think of better things,
Visions of home,
Peaceful days I can't remember
Those memories I disowned
Fine.

To make space for these nightmares

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,**
In your direction we march**


Peaceful protests fail again,
Violent means reign ‘till the end
Like it.
A half completed revolution stands tall in its wake*
"stands tall in its wake" is the weaker part here.
While bullets will destroy the rest,*
I don't like this line either. It's weak, and the rhythm is forced.
A heart shaped fist pounds in my chest
Love it.
Repeated signs of life I hold,
In weathered hands,
To death exposed
Weirdly good.

The inconvenient truth passes you by,
You know what's going on,
But you choose not to act
The inconvenient truth passes you by,
You know what's going on,
But you choose not to act
Just sit there, high up in your throne**
The throne idea is cliched, and especially as it stands on its own. Get rid of it, maybe replace, I don't know.

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
We'll surface from the shadows by your feet
'Cause today,
Half completed revolutions will see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end



There isn't much for me to say on this, especially following Zach (kissarse, kissarse). He got everything nailed, and yeah, sorry this is it.

This is really, really different to what you first posted. I'm surprised you kept it in the same thread.
#10
Quote by jon93971

As we sit around the fire waiting to see
Who will still be there come dawn,
And who’ll decide to flee
Guitars softly drift out into the night,
Along with comforting words that we’re gripping tight
I understand that you wanted to maintain a rhyming scheme, but for me this was forced. "Gripping" is a horrible word to use, especially joined with "comforting". "Holding" would have been better, but cliché. See/flee wasn't good either. The idea behind the scene was actually interesting and I liked how you painted the moment, however I failed to see how it related to any of the rest of the stanzas. The whole piece was too broken for me and I'll talk about it more later in the critique.

(We only want a chance worth taking)

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,
In your direction we march

meh. This had absolutely no originality to it. Not in the sense that I've seen it before, but in the sense that it didn't there was nothing to make me say this belongs in this piece. There was nothing connecting it to this song and there was nothing that made me say, "ah this is the point he's trying to make in this piece". These are just words and sentences, that to be honest are a complete contradiction at times. The "stand up..." line was nice, but then came the weird imagery of "surface... by your feet" that's just wrong, by its own and with the previous line mentioned. Also the "here to stay"/"in your direction we march" - how are you staying when you're actually going somewhere? I know that it can still work, but I still maintain that you're using contradictory wording and elements.

Intentions in your thoughts
As violent as the sea you sail upon
Constant threats from all directions like persistent falling rain
Close tight my eyes and think of better things,
Visions of home,
Peaceful days I can't remember
Those memories I disowned
I don't understand how every stanza is talking about something completely different. It's too disjointed for me. One is talking about sitting around a fire and now we're sailing in the sea, leaving. I'm not following what this piece is about. The title is the only thing that can actually hint towards what you mean, but if I need the title to understand the piece... well, that's not good. It wasn't a bad stanza on its own.

To make space for these nightmares

We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
But surface from the shadows by your feet
We're here to stay,
In your direction we march

Did this.

Peaceful protests fail again,
Violent means reign ‘till the end
A half completed revolution,
Halfway there, still half to go
I will endure years spent oppressed,**
A heart shaped fist pounds in my chest
Repeated signs of life I hold,
In weathered hands,
To death exposed
All of a sudden you're talking about "I" instead of "we", now this can be a positive change if you kept it until the end of the piece, but you retreated to "we" once more and this puts this little change as an incoherent narration that only confused me further. Again, the stanza has no relation to any of the ones before, as we're now speaking about genocide and some other sentences you're throwing around that have nothing to do with this piece, in my opinion, though I couldn't tell you what this was about even if I tried. There are too many ideas, too many different wordings and themes running around free in this. Not good.

The inconvenient truth passes you by,
Reality hits hard,
Even you cannot deny
The inconvenient truth passes you by,
Ignored cries for help subside
Our fate in your control
As you contemplate genocide


We will stand up to you
On broken limbs and shattered hearts
Same stories we repeat,
No chance to win straight from the start
We won’t slip away
We'll surface from the shadows by your feet
'Cause today,
Half completed revolutions will see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end
You'll see the end


So yes, I didn't care for this piece at all, I'm sorry. You had too many ideas and imagery going around and nothing was connected. In small amounts you have good ideas, and each stanza could have probably been developed to a whole different piece, but like this... I'm just not getting it. The chorus could have been taken out of any song. It simply doesn't feel like it belongs in any specific piece, because it doesn't say anything that makes it belong.

For me, you need to work on how you build ideas and fully develop them one at a time.
This is not a pipe