#1
When the woods burned

It’s not my heart that broke in two
But the woods that burned but never grew
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
In the woods a man does creep

In the darkness he held a flower
And in his mind he built a tower
Kept a bed of white roses, bare
When the woods cracked, a girl so soft, so fair

Appeared and held out a hand
An aberration, a lie! Haunt me not
No sublime flower could I tend
And when the woods burned he fought


C4C as usual
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Dec 9, 2008,
#2
"When the woods cracked, a girl so soft so fair"
The changed flow of this line threw me off, and no matter how many times I read it, I still couldn't read it comfortably. I'd say reword this so it flows correctly, unless obviously it's meant to be read in a certain way.

I like the subject you used, and it evoked a good visual in my mind. So the subject matter I thought was great. I just think that although your rhymes flowed smoothly, I think they flowed TOO smoothly, and it doesn't sound "real", if that makes sense. I guess what I mean is that direct rhymes like that don't sound natural.

Could you crit one of the last two in my sig? Or the other ones too if you have the time!
#3
I suggest a change in line 2 to "But the woods that burned AND never never grew"
I think it would flow a little better...

I like the second stanza, I love the words.
I can see what your trying to do with that last line in the second stanza, how it leads off into the last one,
but as the other person said, it feels a little unnatural and illfitting to the overall structure.

I also like how the subject of the piece, the burning woods, are reffered to but never explained and how it's up to the audience to make the connection between the girl and the woods,
between the flower he picks up and the tower he had dreamed of building before this happened.

^ At least that's what I think.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#4
first stanza was solid but nothing special. second stanza went a bit too fantasy (but that's more my tastes than something wrong with it). third stanza was best - combined a great metaphor with subtle rhyming that didn't clash with the overall tone.
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#5
Quote by me<-needs help
When the woods burned

It’s not my heart that broke in two
But the woods that burned but never grew
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
In the woods a man does creep

In the darkness he held a flower
And in his mind he built a tower
Kept a bed of white roses, bare
When the woods cracked, a girl so soft, so fair

Appeared and held out a hand
An aberration, a lie! Haunt me not
No sublime flower could I tend
And when the woods burned he fought


C4C as usual



There's really nothing more I can say than what's been said. I too like the third stanza the best, it sounds like...Like Poe, almost. Just very reminiscent, haha. The only thing I'd recommend, is maybe re-wording the "In the woods a man does creep". It just sounds kinda....rushed, you know? Maybe it's just my taste getting in the way. That's all I've got to say for now! I liked it by the way, save for what I just mentioned.
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