#1
New series I'm starting. it's super serious. hope you enjoy. Part two coming as soon as I can post another thread.



Polar Bear Chronicles (The First Snow part 1 [The Beginning])


Eggs were fried on sidewalks
Good Humor peddled ice
but you, locked in your burning cage
must not have felt so nice.

But polar bear
I saw you there,
back in the Portland zoo
though polar bear, the weather seemed
a wee bit hot for you.

And polar bear
I know that bees
are good in nice hot weather
they move faster like air molecules
and the honey they make tastes better.

And polar bear
I know that snakes
the ones from Africa at least
need heat to keep their cold blood in
and to kill so they may feast.

But polar bear
you do not fly
or have cold blood
or like post-humus meat
the longest your last meal was dead
was not more than a week.

So polar bear
I saw you there
completely out of place
your white fur, it looked mighty hot
sweat dripped slowly down your face.

And polar bear
it struck me odd
I was the only one
to notice you were in such pain
to see a plea for help, not fun.

Then polar bear
I hatched a plan
to sever you from hell
I would sneak at night to let you out
I would free you from your cell!
Last edited by #1 synth at Dec 9, 2008,
#2
I'm hanging myself now, Dyl. It's all your fault.

EDIT: For real though, black dot.

EDITEDIT:
Quote by #1 synth
New series I'm starting. it's super serious. hope you enjoy. Part two coming as soon as I can post another thread.



Polar Bear Chronicles (The First Snow part 1 [The Beginning])


Hey polar bear
I saw you there,
back in the Portland zoo
but polar bear, the weather seemed
a wee bit hot for you.

umm... cute and flows well. Interesting intro.

Eggs were fried on sidewalks
Good Humor peddled ice
but you, locked in your burning cage
must not have felt so nice.

LOL.

And polar bear
I know that bees
are good in nice hot weather
they move faster like air molecules
and the honey they make tastes better.

'warm' for the sake of not repeating 'hot'. And it sounds better, too.

And polar bear
I know that snakes
the ones from Africa at least
need heat to keep their cold blood in
and to kill so they may feast.

The flow broke here in the last two lines I think. Seemed like there were too many syllables somewhere.

But polar bear
you do not fly
or have cold blood
or like post-humus meat
the longest your last meal was dead
was not more than a week.

See where you're going with this but it just sounded horrible. Last two lines is TOO lame for me...

So polar bear
I saw you there
completely out of place
your white fur, it looked mighty hot
sweat dripped slowly down your face.

Would flow better with out 'it' before looked.

And polar bear
it struck me odd
I was the only one
to notice you were in such pain
to see a plea for help, not fun.

Last line bombed for me. Dun ask why, it just did.

Then polar bear
I hatched a plan
to sever you from hell
I would sneak at night to let you out
I would free you from your cell!

Ho-hum. It's an ending.


Entertaining piece. Reads like a storybook for kids. Have a nice day.
Last edited by kunvulshuns at Dec 9, 2008,
#3
And polar bear
I know that bees
are good in nice hot weather
they move faster like air molecules
and the honey they make tastes better.

And polar bear
I know that snakes
the ones from Africa at least
need heat to keep their cold blood in
and to kill so they may feast.

But polar bear
you do not fly
or have cold blood
or like post-humus meat
the longest your last meal was dead
was not more than a week.


Meh, didn't like this bit. Too long. Plus you're switching between tones in here. You talk about cold blooded snakes and post-humus meat, and yet the rest of the piece has this uppity bouncy feel to it. I can understand the thought and the idea, but the execution took too long for me to enjoy it. I'd like to see it cut down to two or one stanzas.


That said, I did enjoy the uppity feel of this piece. It was playful, despite the subject. Hope I helped.
#4
Cute!

K got my thoughts down and more, so there's nothing else for me to say.

I look forward to see where you go with this.
#5
i'm interested. is this supposed to be so cutesy, child story-book-esque? be careful if thats what you're going for, because this really rides the fine line between cute, and badly written/lame/whatever. There were a couple of points it crossed over, but kunvulshuns pointed them out. I'm interested to see what happens in the next one, though
#6
I enjoyed the whole thing, it seemed kinda upbeat.
Good theme and such I dont read about polar bears on ug often.

stop in and say hi i just posted rain rain rain