#1
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and has just got out of surgery, she has some more surgery to go and this has been a tough time for our family, so I wrote this song for her.

Take everything I am
All of my hopes and dreams
And hang them by a drawstring
That’s exactly what I’m feeling
For you are down but not out
But if you were I know
I’d be lost in the moment
No place left for me to go

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself

If music is my life
And you bought me my first guitar
Words cannot express my gratitude
I’ll let the melody speak my heart
You are the one hit wonder
On my album full of bores
Girls may come and go
But you, I’ll always adore

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In this doubt

The day that you step down
Is the day I must step up
I don’t think I’m ready
I just want to grow up

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself
In this doubt
In your memory
Last edited by Mlnwd at Dec 10, 2008,
#2
Powerful imagery!

The altered last chorus lines really work well, each matching the other in meaning and strength.

You create a clear picture of her being the only thing connect you to the outside, without which you merely fall into the endlessness that is your own mind.

I can feel the depression and respect you are trying to convey, and I think you have done it very effectively.

My suggestion:
I would edit the last line of the third stanza to read "But you, I'll always adore"
I think it means the same and it fits better into the structure

That's really the only thing I could find that I didn't agree with.

Hope I'm helpful,
and goodluck and best wishes for you and your family
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#3
Really good, man. Way to take something negative in your life and makes something out of it. Not many people can do that.

I especially liked the whole, "You bought me my first guitar" bit. Very nicely done.
If you were a man I would punch you. I would punch you right in the mouth.
#4
Quote by Mlnwd
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago and has just got out of surgery, she has some more surgery to go and this has been a tough time for our family, so I wrote this song for her.

Take everything I am
All of my hopes and dreams
And hang them by a drawstring
That’s exactly what I’m feeling
For you are down but not out
But if you were I know
I’d be lost in the moment
No place left for me to go
first four lines are good openers the last lack the spark.

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself
the bridge idea is kinda cliche but you made it work

If music is my life
And you bought me my first guitar
Words cannot express my gratitude
I’ll let the melody speak my heart
You are the one hit wonder
On my album full of bores
Girls may come and go
But you, I’ll always adore
I like the idea but need to express it better.

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In this doubt

The day that you step down
Is the day I must step up
I don’t think I’m ready
I just want to grow up
Didnt like this. the last two lines dont add up for me

You are the bridge that connects me
To all of my surroundings
And the day you close, god only knows
How I’ll face my fear of drowning
In myself
In this doubt
In your memory
liked the idea of changing the chorus but needs a bigger punch



Overall I liked the theme of the piece and some of the lines, but
the flow and imagery of the piece is very rocky and needs smoothing.
Thanks for the crit.