#1
*NOTE* I wrote this one awhile ago, but never posted it. As with most of my writing, I have music in mind for it but have yet to actually write it. Also, as usual, Crit4Crit*


This place in the wood,
is meant for the grieving.
Your intentions speak pages,
you must be leaving.
There is no rest here for the weary,
Hope comes here to die
Those shadows that you're fearing,
you should ask your soul why

We don't start new lives here
we just end the old
As life weighs you down heavier
you should have done what you were told

All hail the Killing Tree!
Standing tall in the grove of death.
Your name, carved in me,
longing for the life you left.
Our deal, sealed in blood,
you owe me your very existence.
Resist, you know you could,
I will still collect your penance.

Those that are still good,
arrive here screaming.
Falling to the ground where they stood,
to listen while he is speaking.
They come to realize their delusions
and recognize their fears.
Stay longer than they bargained,
Drowning in their own tears.

We can't save you from him,
stand and face your fate alone.
As life around you begins to dim,
Cry out to the breathing stone.

We hate the Killing Tree!
Absorbing our unworthy souls.
Our lives, sovereign in name,
stolen from our frozen hands.
The deal, broken again,
moving on to different lands.
Fight back, kill the immortal,
force time to heal our lives.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#2
Quote by sneyob
*NOTE* I wrote this one awhile ago, but never posted it. As with most of my writing, I have music in mind for it but have yet to actually write it. Also, as usual, Crit4Crit*


This place in the wood,
is meant for the grieving.
Your intentions speak pages,
you must be leaving.
There is no rest here for the weary,
I've heard this way too much
Hope comes here to die
Those shadows that you're fearing,
you should ask your soul why
I like most of the rhymes here, excpet the last one was pretty weak, a basic rhyme scheme is always nice but it can often bring a song down, in this case it's not too bad, but you could do better if you could think of something else to write

We don't start new lives here
we just end the old
As life weighs you down heavier
you should have done what you were told
short and sweet, best part so far, sticks to the basic rhyme scheme but still packs a punch!
All hail the Killing Tree!
Standing tall in the grove of death.
Your name, carved in me,
I would've thought it would be the other way around, that is what makes this a great line
longing for the life you left.
Our deal, sealed in blood,
you owe me your very existence.
Resist, you know you could,
I will still collect your penance.
breaking away from the rhyme scheme a bit, glad to see you not limit your thought as much here

Those that are still good,
arrive here screaming.
Falling to the ground where they stood,
to listen while he is speaking.
I assume "he" would be the killing tree?
They come to realize their delusions
and recognize their fears.
Stay longer than they bargained,
Drowning in their own tears.

We can't save you from him,
stand and face your fate alone.
As life around you begins to dim,
Cry out to the breathing stone.
this is kind of weak but not overly horiffic, just compared to the last four line stanza (maybe a prechorus?) this isn't as strong

We hate the Killing Tree!
Absorbing our unworthy souls.
Our lives, sovereign in name,
stolen from our frozen hands.
The deal, broken again,
moving on to different lands.
Fight back, kill the immortal,
force time to heal our lives.
ending is decent enough i suppose


there are some great lines here, you may of held yourself back a bit with the rhyme scheme but even with that you pulled off a pretty strong song, would love to hear it with music.

if you could take a look at my newest song i'd greatly appreciate, been trying to get some crits as I'm pretty proud of it.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1018590
thanks- Matlock
#3
This would be awesome for a melodic metal song if you could get te melody right... I had a cool melody for that kind of music for this when I read and it sounded awesome... but its a real cool piece I enjoyed reading it... keep it up and good luck to ya!
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!


#4
Thanks alot for the criticism!

Mlnwd: I do try and stay away from strict rhyme schemes, because I personally can't stand songs that rely on rhyme rather than wordplay.

Popeye100: As you can tell, this is a metal song. I haven't written the music to it yet thought.

I was thinking melodic metal, but I also derive influence from core bands like Killswitch Engage (although I hate the genre, but love the band)

I'll post an update if I ever record music for this
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#5
cool dude i was thinking more In Flames style, but good luck with it
Quote by cpt_pimp
my last fail was breaking up with my gf.

that's going to suck for a while


Quote by leg end
Well, not really haha!