#1
sort of on the spot, took the chorus I wrote a week or so ago and ran with it, c4c.


The truth of the matter is, I was another mouth
that needed to be fed and needed to be cleaned.
Every green for batter was more green missing
from the bag that takes his mind north from south.
I wonder if I learned to say father or dad
after or as, he left without a bag or a sigh,
and I wonder if I could of even waved goodbye
if I had known before, the low honk of the cab.


I'd spend a life filling ditches I've dug
For a handshake and a nickel, before I
asked that man to loan me a quarter.
Yes I'd smile while slowly dieing with
my insides burning to ash, before I
asked that man for half a glass of water.


I hate to complain or to frame them for others
because that man has bared more kids then hair.
It's these affairs that reason my lack for care, but
I just try to fare better then my bastard brothers.
Never there, called or cared, only left a breath
of stale air, and upon his dad's death sent to me
a family heirlume hand made from clay, this bowl
I packed and smoked, laughing- phf what a joke.

I'd spend a life filling ditches I've dug
For a handshake and a nickel, before I
asked that man to loan me a quarter.
Yes I'd smile while slowly dieing with
my insides burning to ash, before I
asked that man for half a glass of water.


One thing I want is one minute of one day so
from the blue I can say "Hey you, remember me?"
I'm sure he won't, but whether he does or don't
Ill thank him with a hit, harder then his first toke.
As I think of him and how were nothing alike
I light up a smoke, laughing with thoughts-
Like father like son, Yeah I've got your seeds
though you ditched town, as I fell from the tree
Last edited by mindtrek at Dec 10, 2008,
#2
Quote by mindtrek
sort of on the spot, took the chorus I wrote a week or so ago and ran with it, c4c.


I'd spend a life filling ditches I've dug
For a handshake and a nickel, before I
asked that man to spare me a quarter.
good start
Yes I'd smile while slowly dieing with
my insides burning to ash, before I
asked that man for half a glass of water.
another decent few lines here


The truth of the matter is, I was another mouth
that needed to be fed and needed to be cleaned.
Every green for batter was more green missing
from the bag that takes his mind north from south.
still keeping with the theme, good stuff
I wonder if I learned to say father or dad
after or as, he left without a bag or a sigh,'
these two lines tell it all, really got me into the piece, well done
and I wonder if I could of even waved goodbye
if I had known before, the low honk of the cab.


I'd spend a life filling ditches I've dug
For a handshake and a nickel, before I
asked that man to spare me a quarter.
Yes I'd smile while slowly dieing with
my insides burning to ash, before I
asked that man for half a glass of water.
i don't really like this as a chorus but maybe it works

I hate to complain or to frame them for others
because that man has bared more kids then hair.
great line above describing the father
It's these affairs that reason my lack for care, but
I just try to fare better then my bastard brothers.
Never there, called or cared, only left a breath
of stale air, and upon his dad's death sent to me
a family heirlume hand made from clay, this bowl
I packed and smoked, laughing- phf what a joke.
lots of emotion here, makes for a great read


I'd spend a life filling ditches I've dug
For a handshake and a nickel, before I
asked that man to spare me a quarter.
Yes I'd smile while slowly dieing with
my insides burning to ash, before I
asked that man for half a glass of water.


One thing I want is one minute of one day so
from the blue I can say "Hey you, remember me?"\
really powerful
I'm sure he won't, but whether he does or don't
Ill thank him with a hit, harder then his first toke.
more great stuff about the father
As I think of him and how were nothing alike
I light up a smoke, laughing with thoughts-
Like father like son, Yeah I've got your seeds
though you were cut down, as I fell from the tree


this was exceptionally well done, one of the better pieces I've read here, job well done!

if you wouldn't mind could you possibly crit my latest song I wrote about my mother I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks again

Peace out and keep on rocking- Matlock
#3
Thanks man appreciate it. Though I'm still not sure it reads or sounds like a song.

Iwill try to find your piece to crit.