#1
It's been a while since i've posted anything in here. I thank the American Educational System for that. Anyway, i wrote this for and about one of my ex's, who, at the moment, i am unsure of my feelings for. For the record, I don't like the way i set this up in all four-line stanzas, but it seemed to work best that way. I'm unsure of the melody or style that this song will have right now, but i plan on showing these lyrics to said ex by the end of the day tomorrow, or in school on thursday, depending on whether or not she can get on the internet. Any and all crit is appreciated. C4C, just give me the name or a link and i'll get back to you.

Vs.
Hearing those tunes
Your heroine breaks me to pieces. -(referring to our songs: Hero Heroine-BLG and Pieces-Red)
Undressing the wound,
renewing the pain.

Fear of not heeding
the emotions i feel inside me,
flows in my veins,
won't go away.

Wishing you here
knowing that you are unable.
But maybe you are...
But maybe you are...

Ch.
All this empty hope,
all these things i know,
keep me wondering
every day.

Could it ever be,
again you and me?
Hoping and praying
every day.

Vs.
Reviewing those films,
Treasured memories are covered with Ice. -(Referring to two movies we watched together: National Treasure 2 and Ice Age)
Severing my soul.
Unleashing my hate.

Emotions are few.
Wondering "What am i doing?"
Should I let go,
or keep up the chase?

Thinking of why.
Whatever happened between us?
Did I ever know?
Did I ever know?

Ch.
All this empty hope
all these things I know
keep me wondering
every day.

Could it ever be
again you and me?
None of this wishing
will go away.
Last edited by grevhead221 at Dec 10, 2008,
#2
I also have written a songtext with the title "Every Day". If You want to read my version I can post it to this forum or to your profile. The songtext is dedicated to the boredom.
#5
Not too sure how I feel about this one. It looks like you've run into a problem that's common (imo) when writing about something you feel so strongly about that's only recently happened... you're just writing what you're thinking without giving much thought to being creative. You gotta try to say what you want to say without actually saying it.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#6
Quote by grevhead221


Undressing the wound,
renewing the pain.
Don't like the repetition of "something-ing the something".
Maybe change L4 to "renews the pain".
I don't know.


knowing that you are unable.
Get rid of "that".

all these things i know,
Get rid of "all".

Unleashing my hate.
Hate to hatred?

Go over it for grammar (capitalizations).

A few quick fixes that I would recommend, but feel free to ignore.

As a piece, this was tremendously cliche, and the content was little.
Try some things like metaphors/similes etc to really get your point across.

C4C? Dear Diary, click sig.