#1
Hello Everyone!

I'm a newbie here also to writing, so this is my first try.
It was intended for symphonic black or goth metal.

But first a little bit of how i got and why i'm here.

I've been googling for forums about songwriting and lyrics, that's how i got here.
I've been looking around and found the critics, lyrics and the atmosphere nice and inspiring.

Even i'm a drum beater, i thought to give it a try. I don't know if it's a problem, but if so, please let me know and i'll take my leave.

Thank You.
CloneZero

MY PLAGUE
Bent reality and a false masquerade,
i'm thinking about my fake possibilities,
between piles of my psychonuclear waste,
i hail the pollution while i slowly decay.

Death to my neurals,
I'm damaging my health,
Slashing sword of glory,
To the hell with myself!

I'm enchanting my dreams with our high times,
collecting your fireflies, the empty shells,
the decoration is nearly complete,
award winning coffin for the perfect plague.

Death to my future,
Damaging the past,
an awfull release,
my latest great act!

Here is your hanky,
the first row is yours,
enjoy the pathetic show,
my heart plague!
#2
first, no, its not at all a problem that you play skins, even though most of us here are strummin wires.

now about the lyrics
its a good idea, but it comes off as insincere because there's no available impetus in the piece for why you're feeling this way. ide say try to re-work it so that either a reason is given for all the images of death and decay, or so that it functions on a deeper level, i.e. to show what exactly it might all be a metaphor for
some of the lines seem tossed-in without proper explanation, like 'an awful release'. i think its a cool line. release is almost always beneficial, so its a great juxtaposition, but it honestly comes out of nowhere. also, im not sure what 'my neurals' or 'psychonuclear waste' are...
lastly (i swear) i like the image of a masquerade, people not being themselves. the idea seems to resurface in the last stanza with the image of a show, but i wish it continued in the middle verse. it might be more effective to take one idea and develop it completely than to toss a whole bunch of ideas up and hope a few stick.

as a first go, its good, and like anything, you get better at writing with practice, which is why its great to have forums like this where people can give you feedback. oftentimes here in S&L, we do something called C4C (crit for crit)- essentially, if a user critiques a piece, the author of that piece will in turn critique a work which that user has written. Ide very much like if you could give a bit of feedback on one of my more recent pieces
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=999460

well, welcome to the forum Clone. hope to be seeing you and more of your writing soon
~b
#3
i've reworked it

My beloved, your are sinfully betrayed,
my bent reality and false masquerade,
you were thinking about fake possibilities,
in black piles of my spiritual waste.

Death to my nerves,
I'm damaging my health,
Slashing sword of justice,
To the hell with myself!

hail my pollution, it's making me decay.
bleaching my mind, dead blood spilling from my vein,
carving runes of hope for a better change,
i've won a coffin for the lies i've made.

Death to my future,
Damaging the past,
an awful release,
my latest great step!

Here is your hanky,
the first row is yours,
you are the last,
victim of my plague!