#1
C4C (leave link)

I didn't write anything for more than 2 weeks, been kind of blacked out of criativity and stuff... Basically OTS


Was it just me last night,
or when you're fucking depressed,
uplifting shit just make you sicker ?

Because I am sick.

Sick of being dumped,
and putting my heart to songs
I'll never sing to your heart;
sick of spending another Christmas alone,
I guess I'll end up buying that scarf
that you'll wear just like anything else
that keeps your body warm
and your soul indifferent;
sick of the New Year's toast,
"To anything but love !",
and drowning my sorrows in cheap champagne
or anywhere I can scribble.

So, dear you,
tell me where the pills are
and if I should take them tonight;
I cannot sleep by myself
because I am too afraid
to lock myself in a dream
and not open my eyes,
by finding it much better
than life, as it is.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Dec 10, 2008,
#2
The start was pretty weak, and the rest was just ok. This was basically an OTS outpouring, and lacked your usual finesse and style. That being said, this is what it is, but that doesn't mean it has to be empty. Oh, who am i kidding, this reads like my usual ****. call me a hypocrit
#3
What on earth is that introduction?! You got some bloody great, raw stuff in there, but the way you laid it out is beyond on-the-spot writing. It just reads 'lazy' and could be easily changed and improved to a far more opulent and influential degree.

I've said this before that you sometimes have dull lines, but then will spark it up again with something great, which is very much evident in this if you pay attention to it. It gives your writing a real edge and rawness to it that is something no one else can do purposefully, it just has to happen; and that makes you unique.

- "I'll never sing to your heart;
sick of spending another Christmas alone,
"
- Being picky, I thought the transition between the first line here and the second line was a little cumbersome and broke the already rugged flow. Just something to look out for or maybe alter, depending on how you feel.

- "by finding it much better
than life, as it is."
- The ending doesn't have the 'umff' that you might of expected or planned. Probably due to the wordy and delicate way it's written. I've been trying to do the same thing; remove as many syllables as I can and let the powerful words control the excess baggage around the main points - if you catch my drift - but it's been very difficult and doesn't really feel like me. But I really do need to work on it as I do notice it's importance and I perceive that it will seriously help me develop more severe and vivid ideas.

Not much more else to add. I never really have anything entirely constructive for you because I adore your writing so much.

Very good work.

Digitally Clean
#5
I didn't like the first stanza. I think you should try to express your anger in a way other than swearing. i liked the second part. i thought it was very well written and very raw. the last stanza was a little cliche. i feel like ive heard that many times before. i think you should try to express your thoughts with a little more imagery and metaphor in the last stanza. it would really bring it together. but, again, i liked the rawness. not too many people write like that any more. just fix the first and the last stanzas. i liked the middle a lot. crit mine? its kinda the opposite of yours lol.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1020086

thx. Good job. Just fix up those spots and it'll be great. keep up the good work.