#1
Cause and effect piece, tried to be vague and not so straight forward. Crit for crit, it's for someone, so need some opinions

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Your pulse picks up in pace with each,
Beat between us that gets taken.
You won't see that this is coming,
So I will not be afraid then.

If intentions are still unclear
They hide behind pale complexions.
Call me crazy if it gets said
I could use your understanding.

CHORUS
You can push me in,
You can start to pull out,
Don't tell me that you're in need of time for yourself.
We can know it when,
Bodies start to give in,
Breathe deeply with me, this will change everything.

If tonight my words falter
Tomorrow we'll try it again
Oh how your stake in my strength
Has worn unusually thin

I can feel my subtle signs of
acting like you have previous.
Instant aches in my side say,
You won't ask my help for this.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
You don't have to need it
Don't have to say a thing,
Breathe deeply with me,
Breathe deeply with me,
I can change everything.

Your pulse picks up in pace with each,
Beat between us that gets taken.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Dec 23, 2008,
#2
I think your biggest difficulty in not making this poetic is the theme- it's hard to write about relationships/people without being obvious. In this case, good work. It's really a positive thing that you're trying to make your pieces subtle.

Anyway, honestly the verses are lacklustre, but this is made up for in the prechorus and chorus- which you did a good job on. The chorus especially has a really good rhythm to it, even without music! I can see this having a really great melody and being the hook to this song- yeah I really like the chorus.

Perhaps in the verses, if you were going to change them, you could use a metaphor or motif, or liken these feeings in something a bit abstract?

Good work! =]
#3
yeah, it was a little step out of my box, and I know the topic doesn't help things. Anything you want me to look at?
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
yeah, I haven't been posting much. But I might come back around, my circle of friends in real life are retarded when it comes to constructive criticism ...
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#6
Last time I'm bumping this one. Made some dramatic changes from an earlier version. Still waiting for a few full crits, I'm good for a return. View my history. --Jw.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#7
Quote by aksuperstar
Cause and effect piece, tried to be vague and not so straight forward. Crit for crit, it's for someone, so need some opinions

------------------------------------------------------------------

Your pulse picks up in pace with
every beat that gets taken.
I think you should break the line at pace, and put with on the next.
You won't see this is coming,
So I won't be afraid then.
I think this is worded quite strangely, or I am completely missing your intentions.

If intentions are still unclear
They hide behind pale complexions.
Doesn't really make sense. Change the if to the (or get rid of both if and they, and change hide to hiding).
Call me crazy if it's said
I could use your understanding.
Nice.

CHORUS
You can push me in,
You can begin pulling out, (Strange flow, or is it just me? Get rid of can in this line?
Don't tell me that you're in need of time for yourself.
We can know it when,
Bodies start to give in,
Breathe deeply with me cause this changes everything.
Great, nothing wrong here.

If tonight my words falter
Tomorrow we can try it again
Oh how your stake in my strength
Has worn unusually thin
Brilliant.

I can see your subtle signs of
acting like you have previous.
Instant aches in my side say,
You're not ready to end this.
Good.

CHORUS

BRIDGE
You don't have to need it
Don't have to say a thing
Breathe deeply with me,
Breathe deeply with me,
I can change everything.
I like this section, especially "breathe...", it's set up so onomatopoeically (word?).

Your pulse picks up pace with
every beat that gets taken.
Good final tie up.



It certainly got better as it progressed, and I actually really enjoyed it.

Also, tut tut, no bumping.
#8
hey Thanks for the crit, pretty sure I've gotten one of yours, but if not, link it for me.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5