#1
turn to look out at whales.
i've traveled depths to try and locate,
the treasure chest she holds close to hers.
missing coins when i opened it with a few persuasive words.
"beauty is common, but a positive outlook is rare"
began to row forward.
the only piece of coast visible, came through my telescope blurred.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#2
I don't really know what to think of this piece. I kind of like it, but it's a little confusing. I think the two themes (that I see- 'sea' and 'her') need to be tied together a little better... the second line seems completely unrelated to the first. I absolutely love he line "beauty is common, but a positive outlook rare".

Is this poem completed? If so, short and sweet, but if not there's room to expand.

Edit: got my words jumbled up
Last edited by Le_Bunny at Dec 11, 2008,
#3
man. I liked where you were going with this but to be honest it ended up being kind of a let down. I think your ideas are fairly interesting, but the execution is lacking. 4th line is wordy. 3rd line is a bit shaky but I wouldn't change it if you find a good follow-up.
I didn't like telescope here. It's a great great line. But it just doesn't fit in the piece.

This is a clumsy collage of great ideas. I wouldn't know what to make of it if I were you.
Good luck with it all.

mat
#4
this felt anti-climatic. You built up a story, a charcter, created tension, then it fizzled. I don't like fizzle, especially when everything before it was so good. I think this needs to be expanded and clarified
#5
I agree with mat very closely.

I almost really like this. But I just like it.

On another note, Your last piece was fantastic. I don't know if you would want me to bump it up so I figured I'd just say that here.

Maybe I'll come back. Sorry I got nothing right now.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me