#1
Your ghost haunts this room
To me it fills and early tomb
One that I dug myself
You’d like that, I can tell
Even though no words were spoken
Our hearts are all but broken
And each other we barely knew
Now I’m blue, like you

These halls were brighter
They’re now dimmed all the slighter
Without you to follow
Never come, did tomorrow
There was no friendly exchange
But my life you did rearrange
You know I’d follow you through
Now I’m blue, like you


My voice makes no sound
I lay my ear to the ground
Your foot steps I hear
Makes my words seem clear
Your shadow I glance
There I see a second chance
There’s something that you do
That makes me blue, like you


Tell me what you think?
Last edited by Batts117 at Dec 10, 2008,
#3
the overall tone was good but sometimes the rhyming got a bit cumbersome. however, as a piece overall it was certainly bearable and definitely avoided most problems that i commonly see.

C4C? links in sig
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#4
Yeah i try to rhyme because it just sounds good to me. I can't seem to break myself from it.
I looked at the untitled and One Against in your sig. They were pretty nice.
#5
Quote by Batts117
Even though no words were spoken
Our hearts are all but broken
And each other we barely knew
Now I’m blue, like you

...

There was no friendly exchange
But my life you did rearrange
You know I’d follow you through
Now I’m blue, like you

Those two lines are kind of awkward, especially the second one; as a suggestion, 'but my life you rearranged' might flow better, although it makes the rhyme a little more forced.
#6
You changed the whole structure of sentences just to achieve a somewhat forced rhyme.

Horrible to see, for me, and anybody.


The tonality was pretty messed up too, the voicing of the narrator was all over the place. He was on about tombs, shadows, ghosts, dark hallways and so on, but then quite on the opposite side of the scale, he was cute, and childish with his "now im blue, just like you".
However, this was strangely attractive. My whole "overly critical-everything has a hidden meaning" side kicked in, and it made this interesting on a whole new level. I don't think everyone is like me though.

Could you look at mine? Dear Diary, in sih.