#1
I feel like this is missing something obvious- (besdies title) any help? c4c thanks


A heavenly spotlight piercing through my window
frames an angel's face sharing my pillow, with
eyes that draw all in, even when they are closed
with power like a pair of starving black holes.
Laying beside her feeling natural as earth to stone
Still sleeping she forces her hand underneath my face
and gently began rubbing her feet against my own,
causing her breathing to soften to a safe like pace.
Feeling I needed another inch to complete this mile
I bridged our gap building a nose to nose connection
and studied her entirely, as my lips grew a smile
for her only fault had been corrected with perfection.
like the rock once thrown onto ice to test how thin
I was left without an option, I was going to fall in,
Seeming all too familiar I started prayin and hopin
she is not another dream when my lids dare to open
Last edited by mindtrek at Dec 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by mindtrek

eyes that draw all in even when they are closed
Comma after in?
with power much like a pair of starving black holes.
Get rid of much.
she slept,
Useless, we can already work out she's sleeping, with head on pillow, eyes closed.
while forcing her hand underneath my face
and gently began rubbing her feet against my own,
How is she doing this while asleep? Supergirl?
causing her breathing to soften to a safe like pace.
How can you describe a pace as "safe like"?
she is not another dream when my lids dare to open
Make this last word "opening" if you can, get that last rhyme in, and get the flow nailed in with a fitting ending.

That's all I got for improvements.



Brilliant, some great ideas here, you can quite clearly see the story, the characters... it's simple in it's subject, yet complex in it's description. Nice

C4C? Dear Diary, link in sig
#3
I like all the analogies used.
Very creative.
Something definitely seems missing though.
I agree with ginjaninja's improvements and reasoning.
But as for the pace part, I think it was meant to be place.
Is it meant to be a poem or a song, etc?

Comment song in my sig?
#4
Thank you both, will comment your pieces.

ginganinja (ha im a red head) - made your corrections thanks much but supergirl?
yes she is super but I thought everyone moved in there sleep, I know we do,
I act on more subconcious notioins then contious ones I believe. I'm always zoned out.
so I'm gonna leave that part but I like my motives to be questioned, thanks again
#5
Quote by mindtrek
I feel like this is missing something obvious- (besdies title) any help? c4c thanks


A heavenly spotlight piercing through my window
frames an angel's face sharing my pillow, with
Don't like the line break. I also wasn't keen on the rhythm of the two lines either.
eyes that draw all in, even when they are closed
with power like a pair of starving black holes.
Don't like the line break here either. I'm not overly keen on this opening, to be honest.
Laying beside her feeling natural as earth to stone
Full stop at the end of here? The flow once again is a little disconcerting, but it's a sweet sentiment so it's forgivable.
Still sleeping she forces her hand underneath my face
and gently began rubbing her feet against my own,
Are the tenses incorrect here? Shouldn't it be, 'and she gently begins rubbing her feet against my own' The idea of the forcing a hand underneath your skin, in this scene anyway, is a little violent and decrepit. It doesn't suit the piece, if you ask me.
causing her breathing to soften to a safe like pace.
Once again, I find myself destracted in a bad way by the odd word choices and discordant rhythm.
Feeling I needed another inch to complete this mile
This is the only line that allows the reader to slow down and take a breather. A place where you can regather your thoughts and concern yourself with the more important things, instead of the complicated wordings. It's a very sweet line.
I bridged our gap building a nose to nose connection
and studied her entirely, as my lips grew a smile
Comma after "smile", surely?
for her only fault had been corrected with perfection.
like the rock once thrown onto ice to test how thin
This line doesn't sound finished. It's a great line, just doesn't seem to be completed and the rough diction doesn't compliment the ideas and themes.
I was left without an option, I was going to fall in,
Seeming all too familiar I started prayin and hopin
Why is "Seeming" capitalized?
she is not another dream when my lids dare to open
The same problem I have has arose again. I just don't like the wording of this.


For a start, I don't like the line breaks. I think this piece would be better if it was spaced out better; if it had more room in it. It's too compact and tight. The punctuation and rhythm is so unreal that it makes it hard to attach yourself to the lovely sentiments that are clearly there, but not clearly shown.
Although I did enjoy this, unfortunately, it just didn't seem "finished" to me, and I therefore couldn't really get into it properly.

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