#1
i remember,
i picked you up from school on the last day of fall semester.
it was the coldest day of the year,
you said your fingers couldn't brave the frostbite on the mile walk back to your house.
it's okay, i said,
i understand, i said.
it was no inconvenience,
no skin off my back (hahaha),
i would have done anything for you then.
you talked about your exams, final projects, teachers who hated you and
teachers who loved you.
it was okay, i thought,
i understood, i thought.
i was on my way to the theater with lydia,
we had tickets for some sold out flick with schwartzman and hoffman and whalberg,
we had to buy the tickets weeks in advance,
it was okay though,
you said she'd understand.
i dropped her off and told her my mother was in the hospital and
i came to pick you up on the coldest day of the fu.cking year.
you talked about your study habits and books you wanted to read,
something oprah said in the news and something something something else.
you talked about all of this in the five minute drive to your house.
you didn't mention the inconvenience,
or me and you or the possibility of some sort of relationship,
you didn't ask me in for coffee or tell me you'd call me on the phone,
you just said thank you and that you had to take a bath and sleep.
it was okay, i thought,
i understood, i thought.
i drove off, my car finally starting to heat up,
windshield wipers that are always too fast or too slow,
brakes that wouldn't brake and an engine that barely turned over.
i drove to the theater confused and alone and
caught what was left of the movie.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 11, 2008,
#2
Brilliant, as per usual.

Only thing I didn't like was the "(hahaha)". Felt horribly out of place.
#3
yeah. i think the hahaha was mainly me outside the poem laughing at how much i hate the expression 'no skin off my back'. id like to change it, i will soon. and thank you very much.


the last few pieces and this one are part of a story im trying to put together. its all in sorts/out of order right now. we'll see how it goes.
#5
This is probably one of the most relatable pieces I've ever read on here, and that's a big plus for me. That's what I look for in a piece.

This was quite good.

Personally, I liked the (hahaha). It gives you insight into the though process of the narrator, and kind of adds another little dimension to it.
#6
I thought that was pretty damn good
I liked the idea behind the "hahaha" part, although I don't really think it fitted all that well here.
The imagery was excellent IMO, as I was reading it, I had these really clear pictures in my head of what was going on the the poem (?). Although that may be helped by the fact that this is so easy to relate to as well
All in all, an excellent piece
Although I havn't given much constructive crit here, a quick look at 'Half Completed Revolutions' (sig) and a brief comment would be much appreciated Thanks
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#7
I liked the hahaha.

I enjoyed reading this, sir. Thank you for sharing.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#8
from now on, i'm simply reading your stuff and enjoying it. No critting from me. Hurry up and get published so i can buy your stuff
#12
the ending imagery was stellar. I thought the rest was ok, it was good. That's about it. Liked the car imagery at the end though like I said. It was clever ...
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#13
Very good work. I might be back to nit pick later because, for once, I actually think some things could be changed for the better. Just maybe....

For now, I need to sort my bank out, I've been working for six weeks and have only been paid for two.