#1
blood seeping through distrot walls
as the dead bodies fall
this world is what its not
a shade of grey for us all
and yet we wait
in your mess we crawl
searching for that gate
for which we fall

pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars

you insist we die
in this putrid hostel
why torchure so many
everynight i dream of the sky
woken by the screams of plenty

in this man made hell
no one hears our cry
where are we? i cant tell
just one thing before i die...

pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars

he goes home at night
thinks everythings alright
sleep tight
because i got out last night
kept you in site
now you turn out the light
its my turn tonight...
Last edited by J.Force at Dec 11, 2008,
#3
I love the title.
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You sir, are a genius.

I salute you.

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#6
Quote by J.Force
blood seeping through distrot walls
as the dead bodies fall
this world is what its not
a shade of grey for us all
intresting thought
and yet we we wait
in your mess we crawl
searching for that gate
for which we fall
the word fall was already used once before, the reptition of the rhyme here takes away from the true meaning, maybe you could find something else to rhyme instead of using fall twice

pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
a great example of how to use the same word but in a contrast, nicely done
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars
it's ok i guess

you insist we die
in this putrid hostel
why torchure so many
everynight i dream of the sky
woken by the screams of plenty
last line sounds a bit awkard to me

in this man made hell
no one hears our cry
where are we? i cant tell
just one thing before i die...
this has been said before in so many other songs
pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars
love this as a chorus

he goes home at night
thinks everythings alright
sleep tight
cuz i got out last night
kept you in site
now you turn out the light
its my turn tonight...
an alright ending I suppose


for the first thing you've posted here it is quite well done, especially liked that chorus, or at least i think its a chorus, whatever it is it's the best thing here, most of the rest is just alright, it's been done before. Also spelling errors should be looked at when you get the chance. That's about it, nice job, thanks for the crit on mine and welcome to the forum!- Matlock
#7
[quote="'Vicious [S7VN"]']Spelling is a little off here, but not too big of a deal.
This would be interesting to listen to.
What genre is it?
my band is melo-death metal
#9
Quote by J.Force
blood seeping through distrot walls
as the dead bodies fall
this world is what its not
a shade of grey for us all
and yet we wait
in your mess we crawl
searching for that gate
for which we fall

I thought the rhyme scheme was really cheesy and generic. Starting things with the word, "As" is becoming a bit too much of a trend, try something different.

The transition from line 5 to 6 was awkward to read, in my opinion. Try a different rhyme scheme as well. Poems do not have to rhyme.


pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars

I can't say I understand what you mean when you say, "Pleasure is an art", but being an abstract author myself, I'll interpret it as I choose. I felt this was the better part of the poem, as it flowed well. However, I felt the thought process was lost on line 3 to 4.

you insist we die
in this putrid hostel
why torchure so many
everynight i dream of the sky
woken by the screams of plenty

Spelling, spelling, spelling. Run it through a spellchecker, please.

Again, I felt like the thought process was lost in this stanza. You have a great idea at the start, but you jump from it to quickly. Let it develop more. I dig the last line.


in this man made hell
no one hears our cry
where are we? i cant tell
just one thing before i die...

Pretty stereotypical pessimist views here. Nothing I haven't heard before. Try rewording it, using a thesaurus to make it a bit more interesting to read.

pleasure is an art
pain is pleasure
taken too far
a desperate measure
with permenant scars

Read above comments.

he goes home at night
thinks everythings alright
sleep tight
because i got out last night
kept you in site
now you turn out the light
its my turn tonight...

I dislike the rhyme scheme of this stanza. It's too over-done, and you don't do much to make it interesting. Try changing it up again, and you'll get a better piece overall.

I like line 3, but I hate line 5. Breaks like this should be used sparingly, and shouldn't really rhyme with each other in my book. However, I'm no ace and I'm just trying to become a better writer myself. I don't think the overall ending of "Suicide" is really that great of a way to end the piece.

This whole piece needs a tune-up and some better vocabulary, and it would be much better.




C4C. Pick either of my pieces from my signature.
#10
its not really meant to be a poem, i know all songs are technically poems.. but the vocals of my band are strictly growling and metal.. i dont care much for changing it, its quite a popular song for us and it works they way it is...
#12
Question: why would you post the song here if you're not willing to change it based on others' suggestions?
#13
Quote by Hesh
Question: why would you post the song here if you're not willing to change it based on others' suggestions?


Maybe he posted it here to get people's opinions on the lyrics and not necessarily for suggestions on how to change it.

Anyway, it's pretty good. I'd have to hear it as a song before I can voice my final opinion on it. Spelling definitely needs to be revised before posting though. A few mistakes here and there are okay but yours is filled with em.
"Ignorance runs rampant through this virus we call life, dead one day, alive the next, never breaking a stride. As I take it all in and realize, nothing we do can stop it, I release the hatred from my eyes, only to feel it within."
#14
Love it. Shows abstract desolution.
not many death metal bands have rythme to its usually a type write scream not rythme or anything just same mid scream after mid scream.

Yeah im in a metalcore band so I hate that stuff...
#15
Quote by J.Force
its not really meant to be a poem, i know all songs are technically poems.. but the vocals of my band are strictly growling and metal.. i dont care much for changing it, its quite a popular song for us and it works they way it is...


it would be useful, if you put that in a preface or at the very end of your first post.


the default here is you post your piece to get advice
and you reply on others' pieces to give advice.
if you are only looking for overall comments, fine. you can do that.
but be polite and don't allow others to waste their time with a full crit, if you don't want one.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jan 9, 2009,