#1
Made some edits, I'm debating whether to just put this into paragraph form or not. I feel that if I do this, it will lose sense of rhythm, but it will look better.
(Part I: Eating a Human and His Culture)

Anthropohpagia:
Ingest an entire civilization

Consume:
Eat the children first
They must not be able to learn from the old
Eat the workers next
With nobody to support the world
The foundation shall collapse
Leave those too tainted by tradition to rot

Defecate:
Expel anything that I do not want for myself
Shove it into a hole and call it something exclusive
The survivors will flock
To see this sort of sanctuary
But unknown to them, it is nothing special
It is all that isn't worthy

[Lust:
Putting anything I want into my mouth
While permitting subtle hints to protrude
(Similar to the way a prostitute makes her living
Though I'm not doing it out of necessity
Only to exploit the weak)]

Scorned:
I am often referred to as the scourge of humanity
I grow from your distress
I grow from your downfall
I grow from your fear
Though I enjoy the hunt
Please offer yourself to me
It will be easier this way
Feed yourself to me
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
Last edited by lordofthefood1 at Dec 12, 2008,
#2
Being honest, I can't give a proper critique on this, for the simple reason that it will be tainted by my tastes and I won't be able to use proper discretion. But, I won't use that as an excuse to avoid doing this because I want to say something on this as I liked it, and because you kindly spoke on mine.
Here goes - I will be as discriminating as I can be.

- "Bones, books, beliefs, and burial grounds"
- Don't like this line at all. I find it ruins the quirky and wacky nature of the first line and the one following what I just outlined. That is something I notice already about this piece: strong, dark humour. I think you should of stuck with that instead of being so dramatic. And as well, you could of touched on very human emotions and sad, kinda depressing stuff - I realise saying that in a very blasse way, but it's just for easy sakes.

- "Society will collapse with their demise
Leave the elders to rot
They are worthless and tainted anyway
"
- Now this is where I will be honest and just say that I find this to be cheesy. "Demise" is a bad word in general and in the situation it is in, it is made potently dramatic and over the top when it's not necessary to elevate it so much.

I enjoyed the second verse's discordant style, but I wasn't keen on the first two words, which is harping back to my style and favouritism.

I don't like the way you capitalize every line. I've always disliked it when writers do that. That's just a personal thing, though. Punctuation can add so many layers and if they're ignored, you're taking away something vital and important. And, you're actually adding the wrong sort of senses and ideas as well, let alone missing out on the good ones.

- "[Lust
Putting anything I want into my mouth
(Similar to the way a prostitute makes her living
Though I'm not doing it out of necessity
Only to exploit those who are weak)]
"
- This says too much. The first line on it's own speaks loudly enough without even mentioning why it is that they do it or that you will do it or whatever the hell you want to call it. Less is more in this circumstance. I liked the last line in this section, though. A bit dramatic but it has a more humanly touch that adds more depth and tuneful character to the piece, instead of dark humour.

I did quite like the last verse, but once again, the same issues arose. They're not major and someone else could really enjoy what I classify as faults, so don't take my word for it.

Thank you for getting to mine. I hoped I helped with this. Good stuff.

Digitally Clean
#3
Yeah, I was rushed for time and didn't do any editing
(notice how I use demise not once, but twice..)

I'll think about the actual written aspect of it later

(also, the bracket verse is the foreshadow to the next part ("On Perversion and Prostitution"))


I was torn on influences for the piece ('joking' Death metal vs a somewhat serious piece)
cheers!
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....