#1
Krill


I'm told I have cancer,
and now,
everything backwards is forwards;
summers are cold and
winters, warming.
Yet, it doesn't bother me that the polar ice caps are melting
or that the ozone layer looks far reaching and empty.
Because that's not the reason why this season my bones will shake,
while my skin remains still, like any old grandma dead in her grave.
It's because of everyone,
everyone that I know
and either cherish,
or cherish the thought of killing:
They tell me things; small things; big things.
They point out the mistakes and smudge them away with their big coiled thumbs;
all the little nuances that makes up the minuscule universe that
one person has created in a pathetic piece of art.
They tell me that Krill are seriously important to the climate and
to the sea, which inadvertently effects us,
the larger, more dominant species.
And overall, like a bad reoccurring dream
one will always say one thing while
another will speak proudly of another.
I'm not a woman,
I can't drive the car and paint my toenails at the same time.
I'm a man, a confused little man unable to grow his own set of balls.
Don't expect me to notice my head facing South
when the iron in my blood is still trying to escape North.
I'm just a man without any sense of what the hell is going on,
and is positive that everything he does is in
no way connected or important to anything that has previously occurred
or will occur.
He just does his thing.


Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 12, 2008,
#2
I loved it except for a few things

"or that the ozone layer looks like a junkie has walked naked through the Alps."
Just kind of kills the mood for me

"I'm not a woman,
I can't drive the car and paint my toenails at the same time.
I'm a man, a confused little man unable to grow his own set of balls.
Don't expect me to notice my head facing South
when the iron in my blood is still trying to escape North.
I'm just a man without any sense of what the hell is going on,
and is positive that everything he does is in
no way connected or important to anything that has previously occurred
or will occur.

He just does his thang'."

I would honestly cut out the entire part
(but keep the italicized)
(though with this, the last line is anti-climatic
(but I think the current last line is more so))

hmm

The line about krill is my favorite, I can see why it is the title.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#3
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Krill


I'm told I have cancer;
cancer of the head:
I'd ditch the second line or change it. Cancer of the head is kind of a clumsy phrase. Killed the opener for me.

Words that are bleak, confusing and numbing,
not because I don't know what to expect,
but because I don't even know how to multiply when in consciousness,
let alone when in a state of quiet rapture, blindly
searching for a way out of a managers ass.
Not a sentence but you punctuate it like one and use it like one. This bothered me. Words that are bleak is the subject but the words don't do anything. Maybe words are bleak is what you meant to say.
This seemed to ramble on way more than necessary. I think you could compact this and make it more effective and less dragging. This section slowed down and diminished the quality if you ask me. This could be tighter I guess is what I'm saying.

Now, to mention why
everything backwards is now forwards;
Why summers are cold and
winters, warming.
Why it doesn't bother me that the polar ice caps are melting
or that the ozone layer looks like a junkie has walked naked through the Alps.
I'd try to think of a new, smoother way to say "now to mention why"
I didn't like it for some reason haha. The rest of this part is very nice except the alps line was kind of a below par line. I dislike it haha.

Because that's not the reason why this season my bones will shake,
while my skin remains still, like any old grandma dead in her grave.
It's because of everyone,
everyone that I know
and either cherish,
or cherish the thought of killing:
They tell me things; small things; big things.
They point out the mistakes and smudge them away with their big coiled thumbs;
all the little nuances that makes up the minuscule universe that
one person has created in a pathetic piece of art.
This is getting better as we go
They tell me that Krill are seriously important to the climate and
the word seriously doesn't add much, I'd say. Maybe a better word or none at all.
to the sea, which inadvertently
effects us, the larger, more dominant species.
And overall, like a bad reoccurring dream
one will always say one thing while
another will speak proudly of another.
brushed on being clumsy but not bad by any means
I'm not a woman,
I can't drive the car and paint my toenails at the same time.
I'm a man, a confused little man unable to grow his own set of balls.
It sounds like you are trying to be obtuse to be obtuse. It just doesn't seem warranted to use this tone here without building to it.
Don't expect me to notice my head facing South
when the iron in my blood is still trying to escape North.
I'm just a man without any sense of what the hell is going on,
repetition of I'm a man made me shudeer a bit haha just kidding. I didn't like it so much though.

and is positive that everything he does is in
no way connected or important to anything that has previously occurred
or will occur.
He just does his thang'.

almost really like the ending. The last line is just a touch offputting. It just didn't feel quite right. I'd try to think of a way to reword it to be honest.


Digitally Clean



word. So I liked this but think the nitpickings I pointed out could be brushed up to make this way more solid. Nice read. Very enjoyable.


~jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
A great read with vivid images that kept me interested throughout and unsure of what was being said overall (which I enjoy) untill the end. I loved the ties with todays debated topics and the little haha's but Id have to agree with the above, the very last line should be reworded, or just the last word, I didnt like thang at all. it was like a fart at the end of a beautiful accoustic solo. Overall I really enjoyed it as usual.

a word on "that leaf" if possible.
#5
I'll be back if you want me to be.
I didn't see the man stuff coming, and I didn't really like it. Didn't connect enough for me with myself or the rest of the piece.
This left me feeling something. I liked it. Well done, love
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
They tell me that Krill are seriously important to the climate and
to the sea, which inadvertently
effects us, the larger, more dominant species.

Hated line break after inadvertently. So unnatual.

Loved the iron in my blood lines. Pretty much all of the ending save for the word "thang'" was gorgeous. I'd drop that, it sticks out in an ugly way, sort of trashes the point you'er making.

I loved the rest of it. This is the Dan I love. Confusing as all hell on earth, with weird images but... delicious.

Oh yeah, I hated the alps image too... need either another step beyond running naked... something more "connecting" to a broken Ozone or shortened to a punchy image.
#7
Wow, thanks Zach, that's just the comment I was hoping for. You've made my day lovey'!

And yes, the "Alps" line was very on-the-spot and I wasn't satified with it, but I had no real alternative so I just posted it as it was; just to get a clearer picture on what I may needed to do to improve it.

I don't know why people didn't like "thang'", that's one of my favourite bits. I'll change it though, I trust you more than I trust myself.

Jimmy, I see what you are saying and I'll try and smoothen some of the overly rough edges in this as best I can.
#8
I'll be back to do this mother justice. I will say that this has more heart and soul than anything else you've ever written, but has several technical gaffs to prevent it from being stratospherically good.

Keep writing like this, though.